This is day 4 since I've revealed my intentions for you. I hope you'd never come here and read.
my last 3 posts were hell and crap, admist confusion. There's still a bit of residual crap at the end here though.
But thinking on the bus ride home, I wanted to take a final stand on this issue.
I think I know what to do:
1) I will stop whining and be a man.
2) I will not withdraw my support for you as a friend (that is my commitment to every friend I have).
3) I will try to put you out of my mind for the time being, since it has become a frightful obsession. I will not feed those feelings unless necessary; because you serve as a valuable source of inspiration for me - let me be as hardworking and bright as you are!
4) I can't put you out of my mind completely. My feelings for you have not changed, and I will continue to prove myself.
5) Life goes on as usual and I will stay true to myself (not for you, or anyone).
* * *
I can count the number of friends I have with my 10 fingers. (Tell me, what's the difference between a friend and an acquaintance? Am I right to make clear distinctions between the two?) I hate it when I can't connect deeply with anyone. Shit. It makes me feel so worthless. I can't stand firmly rooted to the ground. I suppose if I don't change my personality now, I will never make it through life. No more fussy-picking amongst friends. (Yet, what's important to me? I'm just so damn serious about everything.)
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Applied Principles of Effective Living.
have u ever invested too much of your feelings in someone and yeah, like the person just doesn't accept your feelings.
You just don't know what to do. Should I just get carried on by the life current, or persist and believe.
I wish I knew who I was... The people around you, you meet, define who you are. I can't define myself. Not even with a mirror, because then, I would be laterally inverted. It's best to base it on other's judgement.
Music doesn't appeal to my senses anymore.
You're not me. and I chose my friends because I thought they formed a reflection of myself. - Chapterhouse Dune
A few random thoughts:
I need to remember, and live by a strong sense of purpose in life, or I'd get swayed by the wind, carrying other people's ideas.
And 'life is transient', and all that. Therefore, I should be happy. Let me be at peace and tranquility, or at least most of the time, until the end of my days.
Let me be never resentful of hardship, nor of the hurt unknowingly caused by other people. Let me understand people, before getting myself understood, lest causing unneccessary harm to other people.
You just don't know what to do. Should I just get carried on by the life current, or persist and believe.
I wish I knew who I was... The people around you, you meet, define who you are. I can't define myself. Not even with a mirror, because then, I would be laterally inverted. It's best to base it on other's judgement.
Music doesn't appeal to my senses anymore.
You're not me. and I chose my friends because I thought they formed a reflection of myself. - Chapterhouse Dune
A few random thoughts:
I need to remember, and live by a strong sense of purpose in life, or I'd get swayed by the wind, carrying other people's ideas.
And 'life is transient', and all that. Therefore, I should be happy. Let me be at peace and tranquility, or at least most of the time, until the end of my days.
Let me be never resentful of hardship, nor of the hurt unknowingly caused by other people. Let me understand people, before getting myself understood, lest causing unneccessary harm to other people.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
All I ever wanted
... was just 'some commitment' in myself, to stick to the track I carved out for myself.
And I can't believe I'm crawling here & there, miniscule, going the wrong way, getting lost in the towering mounds of soil. Like an earthworm rolling in a mudpath.
I think I must have betrayed myself in many ways. No way for me to be 'pure' anymore.
My inner child, protect me from my adult self... That which screams hate and distrust at anything, and anyone I see. No. I have a confused identity now. Hurt? Do I feel that? I'm nothing. Why should I feel hurt? Emotions gone awry.
Tell me who I am? No one around me can help me with this. Self-hypnosis, brainwash yourself, bombard with positive feelings everyday, awake in the morning with an aura of energy.
And die out feebly when the night comes...
Jason, I believe in your words more than ever. It's up to 'me' to 'complete the sacrifice'. The 'selfless' me. If the world is but a ball of clay, let us plunge our hands into the ball and shape it into whatever we desire; after all, no pain, no gain.
* *
This lack of communication from you is killing me inside. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to break the silence. I'm not sure whether I'm still depressed. I got myself into this shit in the first place. I'm so pathetic... pathetic, pathetic!
* *
God, let me become an angel soon, I want to help others who feel the same way, let alone others who can't begin to help themselves, who are in a worse plight than me. Let's make the world a happier place. (Well, if I can't make the top anyway...)
Yes. Based on my speculations, God exists within me, as a product of my imagination. Its all in the mind. Same as my imagined fears - the concept of divine being was acquired by 'thought'. It was designed in order to enforce social order. To fight my fears, to keep the rich from sucking the poor dry, to banish slavery, to instil conformity, to appreciate life... etc.
And I can't believe I'm crawling here & there, miniscule, going the wrong way, getting lost in the towering mounds of soil. Like an earthworm rolling in a mudpath.
I think I must have betrayed myself in many ways. No way for me to be 'pure' anymore.
My inner child, protect me from my adult self... That which screams hate and distrust at anything, and anyone I see. No. I have a confused identity now. Hurt? Do I feel that? I'm nothing. Why should I feel hurt? Emotions gone awry.
Tell me who I am? No one around me can help me with this. Self-hypnosis, brainwash yourself, bombard with positive feelings everyday, awake in the morning with an aura of energy.
And die out feebly when the night comes...
Jason, I believe in your words more than ever. It's up to 'me' to 'complete the sacrifice'. The 'selfless' me. If the world is but a ball of clay, let us plunge our hands into the ball and shape it into whatever we desire; after all, no pain, no gain.
* *
This lack of communication from you is killing me inside. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to break the silence. I'm not sure whether I'm still depressed. I got myself into this shit in the first place. I'm so pathetic... pathetic, pathetic!
* *
God, let me become an angel soon, I want to help others who feel the same way, let alone others who can't begin to help themselves, who are in a worse plight than me. Let's make the world a happier place. (Well, if I can't make the top anyway...)
Yes. Based on my speculations, God exists within me, as a product of my imagination. Its all in the mind. Same as my imagined fears - the concept of divine being was acquired by 'thought'. It was designed in order to enforce social order. To fight my fears, to keep the rich from sucking the poor dry, to banish slavery, to instil conformity, to appreciate life... etc.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
It's a merry-merry day.
Atheist ->
GOD does not exist. He lives within us. The existence of a divine being is simply the product of human imagination. After all, species learn to live by their worst fears - eg. encountering a predator, anticipation of environmental changes, taking a turn down the wrong alley - a survival instinct they keep within themselves. We learn to fight our worst fears by conjuring up other mythical beings to fight them. In our society now, the mythical being that counteracts religious truth is science. And science begs for reason, and understanding, above anything else.
If I'd never get to announce the following, nor make the speech, I suppose I could fantasise about it or post it in my blog?
(update 29/11 : I sent a crap email to the choir committee, and some disagreed. For me, I just don't see why! It ran on the same basis in Patricia's time, there was some form of order, why the hell does it have to be so damn lax now? Can't you all see that discipline is direly in demand? Especially since our group doesn't have a conductor to take charge? Continue this laissez-faire leading, and see where it gets you! You don't even consult my opinion on things, I don't see why the hell am I still around, seriously ...)
** BEGIN TRANSCRIPT*
The time is 7 pm.
Hey people, gather & listen up. I am going to deliver a short speech.
We can't give everyone complete freedom here - the same goes for singing. When people carry around the attitude that they just can't be bothered, it gets infectious. For example, turning up when you want to, without providing a good explanation.
During practices, pls switch your handphones to the silent mode, unless you're expecting a very important call, (the committee will listen to your reason and review whether it is valid).
Let me revise the ground rule here. When someone is standing in front and talking. Pls give him/her ur attention. Pls be CONSIDERATE & minimise talking when you are expected to do so.
Like I said last time around, discipline has been really lax. What I'm saying is, we are a TEAM - we have to be serious enough to sit back and review our progress. We can't have interruptions for our own selfish reasons - seeking attention. We have to respect the ground rules here, and balance work & play. If we have come so far and have achieved nothing, we're really failures.
From now on, pls do not take your friend standing next to you for granted. We're all here for a reason. We're here because we love to sing and make music together. Please love & respect each other, and the time they are willing to fork out each week to come here. I'm here to make sure that everyone enjoys and gets to benefit from our practices. (Choir needs a QA/QC team).
I shall now distribute a few copies of ground rules...
Let's have a brand new start this term, a few New Year resolutions. I hope choir can start pulling in guys who have the interest and vocal quality, and ensure our survival. I hope that everyone gets to benefit from practices; no last min cancelling of practices; practices with specific goals in mind (improve efficiency of practices).
I want everyone to think for Choir, what kinds of things they want to achieve.
Please be realistic. Set goals that we can achieve.
I shall not be around here for very long, so I'll do what I can when I'm still here...
Firstly, I shall do a simple survey. How many of you all still want to have physical warm-ups? We shall spend 5 mins on them prior to the start of every practice, as we did before... =)
*** end of transcript *
What the hell do I think about choir and music anyway?
I repeatedly question myself, why had I wanted to join choir anyway? Perhaps I've gotten too comfortable in it, from sec 1.
Singing unlocks the soul. Honestly, I don't give a damn whether the pitching is on or off. I just want to feel. In an acapella song, when u've never heard of it, the lyrics are all that you hear. And I suppose that fuzzy stuff involving harmonics or all, is what professionals are listening for. But to the audience/ commoner, when something has no heart in it, it's worthless. I suppose I just don't have that listening ear... It's so damn obvious to me when everytime I am asked to comment, I can't tell anything for sure. Like I can't even remember how everyone sang.
I think I'm starting to lose heart already. Humph. I can't begin to feel what all the others are feeling. Choir is not a good place for me to stay in. There's no bonding there. It's sad, it's unhealthy. It's time for me to go. Though I doubt I can belong anywhere, I shall keep on looking. Why didn't I join track & field? Don't 'ooh- ahh' and say what I don't want to hear. The thing is, I have a passion for training & over-exertion. It really gives me a high. If it's anything, I wish I could die early (due to overexhaustion) and get off the face of this cruel world. I can't take anymore of this shit.
I wish I had something/ someone to believe in. ?? believe in yourself? Let me be all that I can be, and live life to the fullest. I've never felt the need to express myself so crudely. Damn it. If you're uncomfortable, just get the hell out of my diary.
I will not make any empty promises to myself. I hope to become stronger; but until that day where I'd finally achieve something in life that I could be proud of, I will keep on running. That's what I'm looking for. Now, to be realistic... It's time to practise what I preach, and concentrate on my efforts. Goodbye blog.
GOD does not exist. He lives within us. The existence of a divine being is simply the product of human imagination. After all, species learn to live by their worst fears - eg. encountering a predator, anticipation of environmental changes, taking a turn down the wrong alley - a survival instinct they keep within themselves. We learn to fight our worst fears by conjuring up other mythical beings to fight them. In our society now, the mythical being that counteracts religious truth is science. And science begs for reason, and understanding, above anything else.
If I'd never get to announce the following, nor make the speech, I suppose I could fantasise about it or post it in my blog?
(update 29/11 : I sent a crap email to the choir committee, and some disagreed. For me, I just don't see why! It ran on the same basis in Patricia's time, there was some form of order, why the hell does it have to be so damn lax now? Can't you all see that discipline is direly in demand? Especially since our group doesn't have a conductor to take charge? Continue this laissez-faire leading, and see where it gets you! You don't even consult my opinion on things, I don't see why the hell am I still around, seriously ...)
** BEGIN TRANSCRIPT*
The time is 7 pm.
Hey people, gather & listen up. I am going to deliver a short speech.
We can't give everyone complete freedom here - the same goes for singing. When people carry around the attitude that they just can't be bothered, it gets infectious. For example, turning up when you want to, without providing a good explanation.
During practices, pls switch your handphones to the silent mode, unless you're expecting a very important call, (the committee will listen to your reason and review whether it is valid).
Let me revise the ground rule here. When someone is standing in front and talking. Pls give him/her ur attention. Pls be CONSIDERATE & minimise talking when you are expected to do so.
Like I said last time around, discipline has been really lax. What I'm saying is, we are a TEAM - we have to be serious enough to sit back and review our progress. We can't have interruptions for our own selfish reasons - seeking attention. We have to respect the ground rules here, and balance work & play. If we have come so far and have achieved nothing, we're really failures.
From now on, pls do not take your friend standing next to you for granted. We're all here for a reason. We're here because we love to sing and make music together. Please love & respect each other, and the time they are willing to fork out each week to come here. I'm here to make sure that everyone enjoys and gets to benefit from our practices. (Choir needs a QA/QC team).
I shall now distribute a few copies of ground rules...
Let's have a brand new start this term, a few New Year resolutions. I hope choir can start pulling in guys who have the interest and vocal quality, and ensure our survival. I hope that everyone gets to benefit from practices; no last min cancelling of practices; practices with specific goals in mind (improve efficiency of practices).
I want everyone to think for Choir, what kinds of things they want to achieve.
Please be realistic. Set goals that we can achieve.
I shall not be around here for very long, so I'll do what I can when I'm still here...
Firstly, I shall do a simple survey. How many of you all still want to have physical warm-ups? We shall spend 5 mins on them prior to the start of every practice, as we did before... =)
*** end of transcript *
What the hell do I think about choir and music anyway?
I repeatedly question myself, why had I wanted to join choir anyway? Perhaps I've gotten too comfortable in it, from sec 1.
Singing unlocks the soul. Honestly, I don't give a damn whether the pitching is on or off. I just want to feel. In an acapella song, when u've never heard of it, the lyrics are all that you hear. And I suppose that fuzzy stuff involving harmonics or all, is what professionals are listening for. But to the audience/ commoner, when something has no heart in it, it's worthless. I suppose I just don't have that listening ear... It's so damn obvious to me when everytime I am asked to comment, I can't tell anything for sure. Like I can't even remember how everyone sang.
I think I'm starting to lose heart already. Humph. I can't begin to feel what all the others are feeling. Choir is not a good place for me to stay in. There's no bonding there. It's sad, it's unhealthy. It's time for me to go. Though I doubt I can belong anywhere, I shall keep on looking. Why didn't I join track & field? Don't 'ooh- ahh' and say what I don't want to hear. The thing is, I have a passion for training & over-exertion. It really gives me a high. If it's anything, I wish I could die early (due to overexhaustion) and get off the face of this cruel world. I can't take anymore of this shit.
I wish I had something/ someone to believe in. ?? believe in yourself? Let me be all that I can be, and live life to the fullest. I've never felt the need to express myself so crudely. Damn it. If you're uncomfortable, just get the hell out of my diary.
I will not make any empty promises to myself. I hope to become stronger; but until that day where I'd finally achieve something in life that I could be proud of, I will keep on running. That's what I'm looking for. Now, to be realistic... It's time to practise what I preach, and concentrate on my efforts. Goodbye blog.
Yet again.
I wish I'd never have to fall in love again.
Love is not a requirement for many. When you'd had it, it ain't exactly the best feeling in the world either. Sometimes, when it's not going well at all, you'd wish you could curl up into a ball and die.
I bought you a present today, and didn't manage to give it to you. I don't know, I wanted to stay friends, but another part of me disagreed. I'm turning schizo... But I have to be realistic. There's this huge gap between us I feel nothing can bridge. I want to prove myself, but I couldn't do so... I admire you deeply and I would never harm you. Perhaps I brainwashed myself to fall in love with you? How I hate this feeling.
Some people are born lonely. I wish I could have a strong purpose in life to fight that loneliness. How I wish I could succeed and take pride in myself. But it's been a long time...
Where will I go next? Some people say I have to take things one step at a time; yet, have I not set realistic goals for myself? Am I too unfocused in academics?
I hate undefined relationships. Just draw the line and wake me up from my daydream.
What the hellllllllll.........
Love is not a requirement for many. When you'd had it, it ain't exactly the best feeling in the world either. Sometimes, when it's not going well at all, you'd wish you could curl up into a ball and die.
I bought you a present today, and didn't manage to give it to you. I don't know, I wanted to stay friends, but another part of me disagreed. I'm turning schizo... But I have to be realistic. There's this huge gap between us I feel nothing can bridge. I want to prove myself, but I couldn't do so... I admire you deeply and I would never harm you. Perhaps I brainwashed myself to fall in love with you? How I hate this feeling.
Some people are born lonely. I wish I could have a strong purpose in life to fight that loneliness. How I wish I could succeed and take pride in myself. But it's been a long time...
Where will I go next? Some people say I have to take things one step at a time; yet, have I not set realistic goals for myself? Am I too unfocused in academics?
I hate undefined relationships. Just draw the line and wake me up from my daydream.
What the hellllllllll.........
Monday, October 31, 2005
Feeble attempts at an Entry.
I think I've had it. My latest thoughts. I've not been experimenting throughout life, trying to discover what it holds for me; but instead, I formulated many groundless theories based on weak assumptions... Throwing excessive caution against the wind; like timid grass hiding under an upturned rock. I hate the sense of no-direction I feel at times. And no one to guide me along, it's a wonder I remain a free-thinker (not interested in religions either). No wonder, lately I feel that I've been wandering like a lost soul... (kEane : Everybody's changing)
Though I bet everyone (some teenagers around my age) feels the same: I'm not an isolated case.
Youth has come and gone too soon! What are the things I'd like to do before I'm eighteen?
The memory of being onstage and singing that dreadful song suddenly appears in my mind. Not that I'd think about it these days. I've given up all thought on a singing carreer. I can't stand being pretentious anymore... standing onstage and singing songs about the same things. I don't think I'm cut out to be an entertainer. =)
A long period of inactivity brings about unrest and depression. Taking away your leisure time can mean taking away your soul... My studies; rob me of my soul? I haven't been enjoying them much as I thought I would. The usual... lack of concentration.
Depression results from not using your brain actively at tasks you enjoy. It's wasting away in a room without windows. Never touching sunlight, never feeling the warmth of kind word from a friend. The worst thing is when you shut yourself in and prepare to die. The clocks stop and dust settles unto to floor.
Many thanks to a friend who helped (in a sort of way) to keep these maddening thoughts at bay. Strange how new wisdom can be derived from reading funny books like Harry Potter... =) See you on MSN.
Set out in their imaginary world, Rowling does a terrific job of conjuring up impressive stories set around a growing boy.
*Checks time - 35 mins have elapsed.*
Ok. back to reading. =)
Though I bet everyone (some teenagers around my age) feels the same: I'm not an isolated case.
Youth has come and gone too soon! What are the things I'd like to do before I'm eighteen?
The memory of being onstage and singing that dreadful song suddenly appears in my mind. Not that I'd think about it these days. I've given up all thought on a singing carreer. I can't stand being pretentious anymore... standing onstage and singing songs about the same things. I don't think I'm cut out to be an entertainer. =)
A long period of inactivity brings about unrest and depression. Taking away your leisure time can mean taking away your soul... My studies; rob me of my soul? I haven't been enjoying them much as I thought I would. The usual... lack of concentration.
Depression results from not using your brain actively at tasks you enjoy. It's wasting away in a room without windows. Never touching sunlight, never feeling the warmth of kind word from a friend. The worst thing is when you shut yourself in and prepare to die. The clocks stop and dust settles unto to floor.
Many thanks to a friend who helped (in a sort of way) to keep these maddening thoughts at bay. Strange how new wisdom can be derived from reading funny books like Harry Potter... =) See you on MSN.
Set out in their imaginary world, Rowling does a terrific job of conjuring up impressive stories set around a growing boy.
*Checks time - 35 mins have elapsed.*
Ok. back to reading. =)
Friday, October 28, 2005
My dementors (demons).
Yesterday, I woke up at 4 AM in the morning, and I could not get myself back to sleep. Then I went to read Harry Potter - Prisoner of Azkaban. I've been thinking about things I wonder I ought to think about... Because those questions are so personal, they can't be revealed here in any fashion.
It will be mediocre stuff to all. Like, how come people have already read Harry Potter, watched the latest anime, while I chose not to believe in such stuff as a waste of time. I could think of the excuses that go along the lines of "too busy..." but that wouldn't explain my grades. Now I feel cornered by peer pressure. I feel a growing sense of inferiority when I compare myself to those around me. I seem to shrink into the size of a tiny mothball, and repel the smelliest cockroach. Then the next day, I spent a day floating around in reality, almost posting an entry about, "What is love?" when I stopped myself in the last minute.
People like me don't deserve love. We are self-loathing in our own right. We steal energy from others. We are slaves to the society, only to be manipulated and used throughout life. People who deprive themselves of the means to become successful, partly due to lack of self-confidence, life chances, or unfortunate circumstances.
(here I see for myself that my thoughts have made a cynical turn)
I swear I'm suffering from mild depression, and I doubt I can express positive confidence for 10 hours in a day. I'm troubling myself with things that take a toll on my energy. I can't believe how much I don't understand of myself. I can't believe I get overwhelmed by frustrations, so many times in a day. Life is a wreck, and I look heading for nervous breakdown. I'm not exaggerating, I tell you...
I need some goddamn distraction.
And yesterday, I quarrelled with my brother. I can't stand how he can express his anger unto others, behave in such a haphazard way to the family he should love and respect. I can't stand his normal behavior, to me or my parents, and I remembered I shouted at him to "GO TO HELL..." He really pissed me off, by thinking that he could mutiliate other people's property (he forcefully smashed a container of Aloe vera gel on the floor, breaking the cap) to vent his anger, and think he could get away with it. He's like a little child.
We don't talk normally like angelic siblings on TV. Everyday experiences I tolerate, such as his tauntings to go into a fight. He would throw punches in the air around me, kicking around with a menacing stare... At dinner, he would be most noisy, and exhibit boorish, contemptible behaviour on the table. He had forgotten how 2 years ago, I'd chosen to ignore him with silent treatment for a year - for a fight he enticed, ending up with him giving me a kick in the stomach... but I received pain around my groin instead. Clearly. The world was made this way, unfair, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Subsequently, during the cold war, it felt like the end of the world. I had to glare at him whenever he was around. Give a sullen look at the dining table. Because he never sincerely apologised for what he did, and whether he was going to be the same way the next day. But at the same time, there was no one I could talk to; my infectious mood of a boiling kettle had spread to my daily behaviour too. I had no permanent friends I could keep in contact with in my secondary school. As my social circle closed down on me, I had no mood throughout my O'Levels, Sec 3 and 4. No emotional support from busy parents, and nothing to look forward to.
Somebody rid me of my brother for God's sake! People in choir probably noted my lack of concentration yesterday, when the practice started intitially. My voice was hoarse from shouting. I apologise. In no way was I showing my attitude towards Joel.
What's escapism?
Spending too much time thinking, and not making any action.
Hoping the world would slow down for me. Hopeful that I can increase my vocabularly and pursue a career in the literary arts. -.- Hopeful that I can understand, I'm not as retarded as I think I am. Hopeful that people will make allowances, and give me some space to breathe, so I don't need to be so frustrated with myself all the time. Hopeful that I can immerse myself in reliable friendships to help me through my tough times.
And what's wishful thinking? That's asking too much.
*
This blog is turning out more to be a diary than any communication tool. I am so shy; I bet, people just come in here and feel embarrassed at all the private thoughts I'm revealing. Maybe, I'll frighten them away and they'll never come back. =) There ain't no room for Macho-ism here. Maybe not just yet. Someday, when I'm stronger.
*
Actually, the advantage of blog is that it gives me time to think and voice out things I think I've missed out. I'm unsure of my own opinions, until I've heard others, and gathered sufficient data. A catalyst for bringing out what I've always thought about.
I would leave this blog for awhile, until my mood gets better. You don't know how much time I have to spend to cough out some content. And I don't entertain people with it anyway. Damn. It's depressing.
Thinking about what reuben commented about God Emperor last night kept me thinking. Well, so the Tyrant's Golden Path forcing evolution by stifling the population... In my opinion, it's a fascinating tale. So fascinating that I just passed it like a train roaring across the landscape of a countryside. -_- I didn't remember the underlying moral behind the story. But I liked the characters pretty well.
It will be mediocre stuff to all. Like, how come people have already read Harry Potter, watched the latest anime, while I chose not to believe in such stuff as a waste of time. I could think of the excuses that go along the lines of "too busy..." but that wouldn't explain my grades. Now I feel cornered by peer pressure. I feel a growing sense of inferiority when I compare myself to those around me. I seem to shrink into the size of a tiny mothball, and repel the smelliest cockroach. Then the next day, I spent a day floating around in reality, almost posting an entry about, "What is love?" when I stopped myself in the last minute.
People like me don't deserve love. We are self-loathing in our own right. We steal energy from others. We are slaves to the society, only to be manipulated and used throughout life. People who deprive themselves of the means to become successful, partly due to lack of self-confidence, life chances, or unfortunate circumstances.
(here I see for myself that my thoughts have made a cynical turn)
I swear I'm suffering from mild depression, and I doubt I can express positive confidence for 10 hours in a day. I'm troubling myself with things that take a toll on my energy. I can't believe how much I don't understand of myself. I can't believe I get overwhelmed by frustrations, so many times in a day. Life is a wreck, and I look heading for nervous breakdown. I'm not exaggerating, I tell you...
I need some goddamn distraction.
And yesterday, I quarrelled with my brother. I can't stand how he can express his anger unto others, behave in such a haphazard way to the family he should love and respect. I can't stand his normal behavior, to me or my parents, and I remembered I shouted at him to "GO TO HELL..." He really pissed me off, by thinking that he could mutiliate other people's property (he forcefully smashed a container of Aloe vera gel on the floor, breaking the cap) to vent his anger, and think he could get away with it. He's like a little child.
We don't talk normally like angelic siblings on TV. Everyday experiences I tolerate, such as his tauntings to go into a fight. He would throw punches in the air around me, kicking around with a menacing stare... At dinner, he would be most noisy, and exhibit boorish, contemptible behaviour on the table. He had forgotten how 2 years ago, I'd chosen to ignore him with silent treatment for a year - for a fight he enticed, ending up with him giving me a kick in the stomach... but I received pain around my groin instead. Clearly. The world was made this way, unfair, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Subsequently, during the cold war, it felt like the end of the world. I had to glare at him whenever he was around. Give a sullen look at the dining table. Because he never sincerely apologised for what he did, and whether he was going to be the same way the next day. But at the same time, there was no one I could talk to; my infectious mood of a boiling kettle had spread to my daily behaviour too. I had no permanent friends I could keep in contact with in my secondary school. As my social circle closed down on me, I had no mood throughout my O'Levels, Sec 3 and 4. No emotional support from busy parents, and nothing to look forward to.
Somebody rid me of my brother for God's sake! People in choir probably noted my lack of concentration yesterday, when the practice started intitially. My voice was hoarse from shouting. I apologise. In no way was I showing my attitude towards Joel.
What's escapism?
Spending too much time thinking, and not making any action.
Hoping the world would slow down for me. Hopeful that I can increase my vocabularly and pursue a career in the literary arts. -.- Hopeful that I can understand, I'm not as retarded as I think I am. Hopeful that people will make allowances, and give me some space to breathe, so I don't need to be so frustrated with myself all the time. Hopeful that I can immerse myself in reliable friendships to help me through my tough times.
And what's wishful thinking? That's asking too much.
*
This blog is turning out more to be a diary than any communication tool. I am so shy; I bet, people just come in here and feel embarrassed at all the private thoughts I'm revealing. Maybe, I'll frighten them away and they'll never come back. =) There ain't no room for Macho-ism here. Maybe not just yet. Someday, when I'm stronger.
*
Actually, the advantage of blog is that it gives me time to think and voice out things I think I've missed out. I'm unsure of my own opinions, until I've heard others, and gathered sufficient data. A catalyst for bringing out what I've always thought about.
I would leave this blog for awhile, until my mood gets better. You don't know how much time I have to spend to cough out some content. And I don't entertain people with it anyway. Damn. It's depressing.
Thinking about what reuben commented about God Emperor last night kept me thinking. Well, so the Tyrant's Golden Path forcing evolution by stifling the population... In my opinion, it's a fascinating tale. So fascinating that I just passed it like a train roaring across the landscape of a countryside. -_- I didn't remember the underlying moral behind the story. But I liked the characters pretty well.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Dinner?
(Currently reading: Heretics of Dune) "We go with god!... God will judge us in this hour!..." Religious fanaticism...
I doubt my skills to hold a decent conversation over dinner.
I don't know the subject of matter, and of course I refuse to speak. Waiting for an opening in the subject, I gotta be a genius to identify all those points. Or you'd say, needs more practice.
And for all those who don't know, I have a damn quiet personality no one would touch... akin to a hedgehog armed with spikes. Almost a psychopath.
As usual, after this remonstrance, I have to reassure myself, and put on a new facade.
Perhaps, I need to fall in love with my dinner companions, or I just need to fall in love with myself.
I feel I'm caught again, in the larger scheme of things. Lost again. (pre-emptory measure... to seize control of my life)
Ah! I just want to go along the line of NERD... Scholar... Why ain't it possible?
It just requires practise.
With no one to talk to, the contents in my blog are true. No more denial. Sad sad me.
Admit thy mistakes, and move on to correct them! *slaps thyself*
I doubt my skills to hold a decent conversation over dinner.
I don't know the subject of matter, and of course I refuse to speak. Waiting for an opening in the subject, I gotta be a genius to identify all those points. Or you'd say, needs more practice.
And for all those who don't know, I have a damn quiet personality no one would touch... akin to a hedgehog armed with spikes. Almost a psychopath.
As usual, after this remonstrance, I have to reassure myself, and put on a new facade.
Perhaps, I need to fall in love with my dinner companions, or I just need to fall in love with myself.
I feel I'm caught again, in the larger scheme of things. Lost again. (pre-emptory measure... to seize control of my life)
Ah! I just want to go along the line of NERD... Scholar... Why ain't it possible?
It just requires practise.
With no one to talk to, the contents in my blog are true. No more denial. Sad sad me.
Admit thy mistakes, and move on to correct them! *slaps thyself*
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Of all the days...
Waiting for the bus. alone.
felt like 'why the hell do I put up with this shit'? All along.
After attending a what-you-call-it...
And experiencing a you-know-what...
Thoughts raced thru my brain. It just wasn't me at that time, living between the shadow of my eyes. It wasn't me living within this skull. For I was fed destructive thoughts by the minute.
I want to quit. I want to be somewhere where I'd be valued and not abused. Sheesh...
Days I wished would come to an end... wish that humankind will come to a sudden painless end. not just me.
This gives me a headache.
Waiting for the bus is a test of patience. How many times do you have to wait for one in your life? Then on the bus, life seems to go smoother, and races before your eyes.
felt like 'why the hell do I put up with this shit'? All along.
After attending a what-you-call-it...
And experiencing a you-know-what...
Thoughts raced thru my brain. It just wasn't me at that time, living between the shadow of my eyes. It wasn't me living within this skull. For I was fed destructive thoughts by the minute.
I want to quit. I want to be somewhere where I'd be valued and not abused. Sheesh...
Days I wished would come to an end... wish that humankind will come to a sudden painless end. not just me.
This gives me a headache.
Waiting for the bus is a test of patience. How many times do you have to wait for one in your life? Then on the bus, life seems to go smoother, and races before your eyes.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Thoughts on The Pianist (2002)
After watching the horror movie, The Pianist Szpilman running around the warzone, bullets racing after him, and escaping from flamethrowers, I had an uneasy feeling in the stomach.
I want to forget, as if none of this ever happened. Unfortunately, this is not a shock film, but part of world history. It showcases the madness brought on by war - the soldiers behave barbarically.
* 'Soldiers' are a bad word in the context of peace. It was philosophically addressed in God Emperor of Dune that Males generally could never fully appreciate the value of human life, as they can NEVER get pregnant, or witness the birth of life within themselves... Females are a better choice as they have an intrinsic ability to build rapport among the civillian populace. *
To demonstrate the Nazis' blatant disregard for human life: (1) a young Nazi officer executes Jews as they lay pinned face down on the floor one by one. (2) Nazis interrupt a family's last dinner in the Warsaw Ghetto, and subsequently kills all of them, lifting a wheelchair-bound grandparent over a balcony, shooting them as they run down the street. (3) A sealed train filled with screaming Jews departs to hell... luckily enough, they didn't show any Mass burial/ gas chamber, or I'm going to get sick. THE HORROR.
Apparently the Jews, as a minority race, could do nothing to stop their treatment. They had put up little resistance, as it was all too late.
I wonder if Asians can relate to this Western film? In WWII, closer to home, we have the Sook Ching Op. (Changi beach, Jap firing squad and the Chinese), but the Nazi Genocide was simply blown out of proportions.
I often wondered what happened in my early childhood, to make me inspired by war and action films. Probably by the little green toy soldier figures, 'GI Joe' cartoons, some action films, and playing computer games that are so-called 'Real-time strategy' or Counterstrike... Forget it boys, war is a terrible thing. Propaganda such as caricature portraying the enemies as 'evil', monsters or less than human, makes them more 'killable' and just spurs you on to commit evil acts that would give you nightmares (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) for the rest of your life. I think I'd understand why some people oppose war so much, to the extent of refusing to enlist in NS. When you take your position as sniper, would you even flinch as you pull the trigger? The sound of gunfire is probably the most sick/cruel noise in the world.
Perhaps I am fortunate enough to be born in peaceful times, but how peaceful can it get, when half the world lives in the fear of terrorism? A second Bali bombing... Well, it's hard to explain these things.
There has to be more sensibilities in our age, about the diverse cultures around the world. Maybe the treatment of Jews during WWII warrant the need for human rights in the modern world. These are the lessons that should be brought home from history. Probably, I could increase my understanding of these by watching 'Band of Brothers'.
I want to forget, as if none of this ever happened. Unfortunately, this is not a shock film, but part of world history. It showcases the madness brought on by war - the soldiers behave barbarically.
* 'Soldiers' are a bad word in the context of peace. It was philosophically addressed in God Emperor of Dune that Males generally could never fully appreciate the value of human life, as they can NEVER get pregnant, or witness the birth of life within themselves... Females are a better choice as they have an intrinsic ability to build rapport among the civillian populace. *
To demonstrate the Nazis' blatant disregard for human life: (1) a young Nazi officer executes Jews as they lay pinned face down on the floor one by one. (2) Nazis interrupt a family's last dinner in the Warsaw Ghetto, and subsequently kills all of them, lifting a wheelchair-bound grandparent over a balcony, shooting them as they run down the street. (3) A sealed train filled with screaming Jews departs to hell... luckily enough, they didn't show any Mass burial/ gas chamber, or I'm going to get sick. THE HORROR.
Apparently the Jews, as a minority race, could do nothing to stop their treatment. They had put up little resistance, as it was all too late.
I wonder if Asians can relate to this Western film? In WWII, closer to home, we have the Sook Ching Op. (Changi beach, Jap firing squad and the Chinese), but the Nazi Genocide was simply blown out of proportions.
I often wondered what happened in my early childhood, to make me inspired by war and action films. Probably by the little green toy soldier figures, 'GI Joe' cartoons, some action films, and playing computer games that are so-called 'Real-time strategy' or Counterstrike... Forget it boys, war is a terrible thing. Propaganda such as caricature portraying the enemies as 'evil', monsters or less than human, makes them more 'killable' and just spurs you on to commit evil acts that would give you nightmares (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) for the rest of your life. I think I'd understand why some people oppose war so much, to the extent of refusing to enlist in NS. When you take your position as sniper, would you even flinch as you pull the trigger? The sound of gunfire is probably the most sick/cruel noise in the world.
Perhaps I am fortunate enough to be born in peaceful times, but how peaceful can it get, when half the world lives in the fear of terrorism? A second Bali bombing... Well, it's hard to explain these things.
There has to be more sensibilities in our age, about the diverse cultures around the world. Maybe the treatment of Jews during WWII warrant the need for human rights in the modern world. These are the lessons that should be brought home from history. Probably, I could increase my understanding of these by watching 'Band of Brothers'.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
September blues
Read the newspapers today. It is futile.. to ponder about life. All of us continue to seek meaning behind the purpose of our lives... It is not only a novel idea, but it makes life so much simpler for us, rather than understanding the complexities of 'how' and 'why'.
You can't be a conductor, a violinist, cellist, percussionist, singer, a doctor, priest, engineer, businessman, sportsman, politician, novelist... at any one time in life. Unless you're an actor.. but that's just play-acting, and not fulfilling the true job scope.
To be pragmatic, it is better to pick a few.
Life has its limits, you can't go on choosing a vocation forever... and that's why I've got to make a choice. Do I want to drift on through life my own way, or steer the ship by the wheel?
I've been staying away from the piano and the guitar. I ask myself why? At the same time, I asked myself if I wanted to perform in front of an audience... If I wanted take exams and raise my musical skills. But somehow, I don't know why I would want to do that. I'm unmotivated and lazy. No way!
But I love the music that I hear evey single day. It beckons me to try, to be just as good as the experienced players. I think it fulfills my other part of the soul and can play a role to the balance of energy.
I may even perform better at school, and be a happier person.
I wished that life was so much more. But do I have the guts to put myself to the challenge, and practise what I preach...?
That aside, I have decided to impress someone, to show that I'm not just a nobody, drifting through life. Yeah, as usual, I can't seem to swallow my pride.
You can't be a conductor, a violinist, cellist, percussionist, singer, a doctor, priest, engineer, businessman, sportsman, politician, novelist... at any one time in life. Unless you're an actor.. but that's just play-acting, and not fulfilling the true job scope.
To be pragmatic, it is better to pick a few.
Life has its limits, you can't go on choosing a vocation forever... and that's why I've got to make a choice. Do I want to drift on through life my own way, or steer the ship by the wheel?
I've been staying away from the piano and the guitar. I ask myself why? At the same time, I asked myself if I wanted to perform in front of an audience... If I wanted take exams and raise my musical skills. But somehow, I don't know why I would want to do that. I'm unmotivated and lazy. No way!
But I love the music that I hear evey single day. It beckons me to try, to be just as good as the experienced players. I think it fulfills my other part of the soul and can play a role to the balance of energy.
I may even perform better at school, and be a happier person.
I wished that life was so much more. But do I have the guts to put myself to the challenge, and practise what I preach...?
That aside, I have decided to impress someone, to show that I'm not just a nobody, drifting through life. Yeah, as usual, I can't seem to swallow my pride.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I'm artistic.
STAIRWELL TO INFINITY (a bleak outlook on life)
IN THE ENCLOSED STAIRWELL, there are no windows, you can't tell day from night. Surrounded by walls, and locked in from the outside world, there is a sense of disorientation in all of its inhabitants. The key issue is, the inhabitants NEVER meet each other. You can only proceed in a vertical direction. Up or down? You begin to make your choices.
ASCENDING TOWARDS AN IMAGINARY HEAVEN? Or downwards into the murky depths of despair? There are cameras rigged up at the corner of every ceiling, every 2 turns on the flight of stairs. Who's watching? No one knows. Sometimes you find mysterious scratches on the wall, that look like symbols or even words. But no obvious sign that anyone was there.
IN THE BEGINNING, YOU TREAD CAREFULLY, worried about your safety, worried that you are not alone. Worried for trapdoors. Worried to wake that imagined creature resting deep below. You inhale and feel the cold air rising from the depths, smothering your lips. Sweat glistens on your forehead. You had it figured out before, this chamber was ventilated by thin plastic tubes in the walls, yet the air grows stale with each passing hour. On some days you find food lying around in the chamber. No insects are seen crawling about. You tap on the concrete walls to detect hollow areas. No, nothing. An echo sounds. You shout at the top of your voice until it grows hoarse. You knock until your knucles turn black, and they bleed.
You find tears rolling down your cheeks. What's there to cry for? Who will empathise with you? The situation you're in - a captive held for unknown purpose - warrants that you break down and cry. You starve for the entire day.
FOOD AND DRINK comes to you just when you needed it the most. It miraculously appears out of nowhere as you climb up to the next corner of the staircase. You decide to pull yourself together, and stop throwing kiddie tantrums or cry. You start to conserve your body moisture. Once, there was a blackout - all the lights on the ceilings went out. For a long while, you slept through it. When you woke up, a magnificent feast was laid before you. You ate well that day, for it was a banquet for the gods, and dreamt about imminent release from the tower. But not too long, you viewed it as a sadistic joke, for you were left to starve 2 days after. You start to pray and give thanks to the mysterious food...
(Author's analysis: up to here so far, it conveys the perspective of a caged animal, like how the hell does it feel to be one? How does it feel for a mature adult to lose all his social connections? In this fourth dimension... )
STUPID, but it took a while for you to mature and adjust. Obviously, you are in some perverse scientific experiment. You start to ration the last bits of food from every meal. 'They' are monitoring your progress. God knows who. You forgotten how you came here. Who tricked you into giving up your freedom?
FEARFUL of the monster in the deep, you chose to ascend the staircase. Some days, the air vents introduce clouds and fogged air, so you don't know how high up you are. Your senses are confused. It gets tiring...
Wrought with fatigue from climbing, you lose your way and go downwards instead. The light intensity is reduced to a dreadful low, and you wandered as if you are deep underground. The word here is 'Catacombs'. You wonder how's the world outside, and who locked you up in this colossal maze of undetermined length. When you find your way out of here, surely you must see it as a magnificent structure? A breakthrough in architecture... A neverending staircase?
FACED with the COLD, HARSH REALITY, you break down and cry. You starve, and to you, imminent death is such an omnious, frightful feeling. You treat each day with uncertainty. You dunno if you'd wake up tomorrow. There's nothing to look forward to in life. Absoluely true. You know this - in your blood, as you pluck out your hair to express the pain you feel inside. Your muscle aches as you continue your journey. Hunger pangs come to you.
You are done for. Mad. A raving lunatic! You are sure of it. You know this as you urinate on areas in the staircase, but find them disappearing with a returning glance. Surely, there's an end to the suffering in this staircase?
4 alternate endings...(for the believers and the non-believers, and the dreamers)
#1
Life fades out for you and you no longer exist. You now belong to a spirit in the walls of the tower. You see a new candidate being chosen for the experiment. You see how it is done. You're trapped in these walls forever, and you scream out in torment to your predecessors as you see them in the same sorry plight. In your eternal dream, you're still alive. You've returned as a test candidate somehow, and you don't realise it. Why do your memories of this place accumulate with each experience? With each passage of time here?
#2
God was watching you all the time. At the end of the stairwell, the Almighty has come to set you free. He rationalises the need to test people on varying degrees of faith. Many decide to give up halfway, but the ones who deeply believe will receive his greatest honour. The Almighty holds you up with a palm. Like a singing bird young and free, you grow wings and emerge out of the single, uppermost window of a tower to meet the day... With your wings outstretched, you flew on towards the heavens. You have passed the mandatory test requirement for becoming an angel.
#3 (a horrible sci-fi ending - Mature 18 rating: skip through to read at the next asterisk * )
One day, while you're hunting for food, the staircase suddenly gives way beneath you. Screaming forever, you plunge into the depths.
You find yourself sucked out of the structure into space.
Zero-gravity. At one with the universe.
It was cold out there. It felt as if you were falling forever into a bottomless pit... No, you musn't struggle.. and your ears don't hear a single thing.
For a moment, you felt so light and happy to meet the stars. You ignored the aching discomfort around your skull, limbs, all over... Yet, nothing else compares to the sight before you a view of the universe.. the stars shining brightly in the distance.. with too many to count... and others blinking at you. No human probably lived to see this.
As you spun around, you catch a glimpse of the disintegrating debris. You fought out the shivering cold, and suppressed the struggle within. Delirious, you felt someone reaching for you.. a loved one.. so comfortable in her arms.. heaven! In her embrace, you were suffocated while your lungs collapsed. In an instant, your soul leaves your physical form for the last time, and you chose to be happy in departure.
Meanwhile, the solitary lifeless body remains suspended in space, tossing and turning in between the stars.. making somersaults over distances. The body desiccates as volumes of air and fluids are spun out from within, causing a frozen, crystallised exterior to emerge... For a long time after you slipped out of consciousness, the remnants of your physical form were charred by a nearby star in a few seconds.
SO MUCH for God's private experiment... It was decided that it was time for the human dream of space colonisation to be realised. Hence, the Almighty tested out the best of human efforts to sustain life in space. Apparently, the gravitational field in the space station broke down, and the longest vessel (space station) in outer space disintegrated; when God turned his back to give attention to the existing problems on planet earth.
* * *
#4
PSYCHOLOGISTS are testing the performance of a batch of human clones strain #62U by assessing their intelligence and emotional responses to cope with long-term solitude in certain conditions. This study of human behaviour is a joint project between several developed nations and private companies. This investment aims to draw out the most conclusive findings on the subject of human behaviour. Months ago, a sizeable facility was designed and constructed entirely in cyberspace. Privileged visitors to the facility will report of the claustrophobia associated with movement around the narrow staircases. Unpleasant experiences felt by the clone are deleted and introduced with the safest techniques in cyberbrain engineering...
Remember the basic techniques of primitive networking? One may enchance his/her networking experience using an internet browser, by clicking on what was known as the 'refresh' button. In a similar fashion, any unpleasant emotional experiences encountered during your stay there will be deleted by the server itself...
The scientists hope that this would prove a safe haven for human strains with a long-life span, to help them get through old-age retirement and health syndromes. It has been popular opinion that this could help lighten the societal responsibility of towards care-giving for the aged.
Alternatively, it could be exploited for realistic issues such as containing dangerous criminals, or providing humane avenues to execute criminals... This would help rid society of another burden.
* * *
NOTE:
This ficticious passage was inspired by many wanderings up and down the creepy staircase of Temasek Polytechnic Library.
Ending #1 was inspired by Final Fantasy VII, the Gaia theory. It deals with mystical beliefs.
(Religions are the product of man's imagination... infatuation with the mystical and phenomenal, will ultimately lead us to develop reason, and our own unprovable theories. How can there be such a thing as 'unquestionable truth' when all the truth we cherish in our modern world right now, are theories handed over the centuries from our forefathers? Our minds work like fluid, and as a collective society, we treasure beliefs; things that are commonly accepted, and will continue thus to be accepted, necessary for the continual existence of mankind.)
IN THE ENCLOSED STAIRWELL, there are no windows, you can't tell day from night. Surrounded by walls, and locked in from the outside world, there is a sense of disorientation in all of its inhabitants. The key issue is, the inhabitants NEVER meet each other. You can only proceed in a vertical direction. Up or down? You begin to make your choices.
ASCENDING TOWARDS AN IMAGINARY HEAVEN? Or downwards into the murky depths of despair? There are cameras rigged up at the corner of every ceiling, every 2 turns on the flight of stairs. Who's watching? No one knows. Sometimes you find mysterious scratches on the wall, that look like symbols or even words. But no obvious sign that anyone was there.
IN THE BEGINNING, YOU TREAD CAREFULLY, worried about your safety, worried that you are not alone. Worried for trapdoors. Worried to wake that imagined creature resting deep below. You inhale and feel the cold air rising from the depths, smothering your lips. Sweat glistens on your forehead. You had it figured out before, this chamber was ventilated by thin plastic tubes in the walls, yet the air grows stale with each passing hour. On some days you find food lying around in the chamber. No insects are seen crawling about. You tap on the concrete walls to detect hollow areas. No, nothing. An echo sounds. You shout at the top of your voice until it grows hoarse. You knock until your knucles turn black, and they bleed.
You find tears rolling down your cheeks. What's there to cry for? Who will empathise with you? The situation you're in - a captive held for unknown purpose - warrants that you break down and cry. You starve for the entire day.
FOOD AND DRINK comes to you just when you needed it the most. It miraculously appears out of nowhere as you climb up to the next corner of the staircase. You decide to pull yourself together, and stop throwing kiddie tantrums or cry. You start to conserve your body moisture. Once, there was a blackout - all the lights on the ceilings went out. For a long while, you slept through it. When you woke up, a magnificent feast was laid before you. You ate well that day, for it was a banquet for the gods, and dreamt about imminent release from the tower. But not too long, you viewed it as a sadistic joke, for you were left to starve 2 days after. You start to pray and give thanks to the mysterious food...
(Author's analysis: up to here so far, it conveys the perspective of a caged animal, like how the hell does it feel to be one? How does it feel for a mature adult to lose all his social connections? In this fourth dimension... )
STUPID, but it took a while for you to mature and adjust. Obviously, you are in some perverse scientific experiment. You start to ration the last bits of food from every meal. 'They' are monitoring your progress. God knows who. You forgotten how you came here. Who tricked you into giving up your freedom?
FEARFUL of the monster in the deep, you chose to ascend the staircase. Some days, the air vents introduce clouds and fogged air, so you don't know how high up you are. Your senses are confused. It gets tiring...
Wrought with fatigue from climbing, you lose your way and go downwards instead. The light intensity is reduced to a dreadful low, and you wandered as if you are deep underground. The word here is 'Catacombs'. You wonder how's the world outside, and who locked you up in this colossal maze of undetermined length. When you find your way out of here, surely you must see it as a magnificent structure? A breakthrough in architecture... A neverending staircase?
FACED with the COLD, HARSH REALITY, you break down and cry. You starve, and to you, imminent death is such an omnious, frightful feeling. You treat each day with uncertainty. You dunno if you'd wake up tomorrow. There's nothing to look forward to in life. Absoluely true. You know this - in your blood, as you pluck out your hair to express the pain you feel inside. Your muscle aches as you continue your journey. Hunger pangs come to you.
You are done for. Mad. A raving lunatic! You are sure of it. You know this as you urinate on areas in the staircase, but find them disappearing with a returning glance. Surely, there's an end to the suffering in this staircase?
4 alternate endings...(for the believers and the non-believers, and the dreamers)
#1
Life fades out for you and you no longer exist. You now belong to a spirit in the walls of the tower. You see a new candidate being chosen for the experiment. You see how it is done. You're trapped in these walls forever, and you scream out in torment to your predecessors as you see them in the same sorry plight. In your eternal dream, you're still alive. You've returned as a test candidate somehow, and you don't realise it. Why do your memories of this place accumulate with each experience? With each passage of time here?
#2
God was watching you all the time. At the end of the stairwell, the Almighty has come to set you free. He rationalises the need to test people on varying degrees of faith. Many decide to give up halfway, but the ones who deeply believe will receive his greatest honour. The Almighty holds you up with a palm. Like a singing bird young and free, you grow wings and emerge out of the single, uppermost window of a tower to meet the day... With your wings outstretched, you flew on towards the heavens. You have passed the mandatory test requirement for becoming an angel.
#3 (a horrible sci-fi ending - Mature 18 rating: skip through to read at the next asterisk * )
One day, while you're hunting for food, the staircase suddenly gives way beneath you. Screaming forever, you plunge into the depths.
You find yourself sucked out of the structure into space.
Zero-gravity. At one with the universe.
It was cold out there. It felt as if you were falling forever into a bottomless pit... No, you musn't struggle.. and your ears don't hear a single thing.
For a moment, you felt so light and happy to meet the stars. You ignored the aching discomfort around your skull, limbs, all over... Yet, nothing else compares to the sight before you a view of the universe.. the stars shining brightly in the distance.. with too many to count... and others blinking at you. No human probably lived to see this.
As you spun around, you catch a glimpse of the disintegrating debris. You fought out the shivering cold, and suppressed the struggle within. Delirious, you felt someone reaching for you.. a loved one.. so comfortable in her arms.. heaven! In her embrace, you were suffocated while your lungs collapsed. In an instant, your soul leaves your physical form for the last time, and you chose to be happy in departure.
Meanwhile, the solitary lifeless body remains suspended in space, tossing and turning in between the stars.. making somersaults over distances. The body desiccates as volumes of air and fluids are spun out from within, causing a frozen, crystallised exterior to emerge... For a long time after you slipped out of consciousness, the remnants of your physical form were charred by a nearby star in a few seconds.
SO MUCH for God's private experiment... It was decided that it was time for the human dream of space colonisation to be realised. Hence, the Almighty tested out the best of human efforts to sustain life in space. Apparently, the gravitational field in the space station broke down, and the longest vessel (space station) in outer space disintegrated; when God turned his back to give attention to the existing problems on planet earth.
* * *
#4
PSYCHOLOGISTS are testing the performance of a batch of human clones strain #62U by assessing their intelligence and emotional responses to cope with long-term solitude in certain conditions. This study of human behaviour is a joint project between several developed nations and private companies. This investment aims to draw out the most conclusive findings on the subject of human behaviour. Months ago, a sizeable facility was designed and constructed entirely in cyberspace. Privileged visitors to the facility will report of the claustrophobia associated with movement around the narrow staircases. Unpleasant experiences felt by the clone are deleted and introduced with the safest techniques in cyberbrain engineering...
Remember the basic techniques of primitive networking? One may enchance his/her networking experience using an internet browser, by clicking on what was known as the 'refresh' button. In a similar fashion, any unpleasant emotional experiences encountered during your stay there will be deleted by the server itself...
The scientists hope that this would prove a safe haven for human strains with a long-life span, to help them get through old-age retirement and health syndromes. It has been popular opinion that this could help lighten the societal responsibility of towards care-giving for the aged.
Alternatively, it could be exploited for realistic issues such as containing dangerous criminals, or providing humane avenues to execute criminals... This would help rid society of another burden.
* * *
NOTE:
This ficticious passage was inspired by many wanderings up and down the creepy staircase of Temasek Polytechnic Library.
Ending #1 was inspired by Final Fantasy VII, the Gaia theory. It deals with mystical beliefs.
(Religions are the product of man's imagination... infatuation with the mystical and phenomenal, will ultimately lead us to develop reason, and our own unprovable theories. How can there be such a thing as 'unquestionable truth' when all the truth we cherish in our modern world right now, are theories handed over the centuries from our forefathers? Our minds work like fluid, and as a collective society, we treasure beliefs; things that are commonly accepted, and will continue thus to be accepted, necessary for the continual existence of mankind.)
Sunday, September 18, 2005
9 to 5 till I'm 95?
Dun get a Job. It sucks the marrow out of life. Every single drop of blood that you have will be used to grow money (yours and other people's), the root of all evil. Now that you realise how expendable you are in society, where's your noble purpose in being born into this world? =(
My father is now working as a taxi cab driver. Taxis are rented from the cab company. You'd have to work in a partnership to maximise profits, and leisure time. He works the morning shifts. Apparently, he complains that the working conditions are tough. He has to work 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was much worse than my experience @ McDonalds. Sitting in a cab all day long means immobilisation, causing his backside to hurt much. It's a dog's life!
The old generation wants to complain to the government. WTF. Dun just think about the young as the ultimate source of new ideas. The old are deep troughs of wisdom.
So what would happen when MY GENERATION gets old? A new generation of leaders take over, and we see the same thing happening again. Late retirement age - but no chance of getting another job if you're retrenched/fired, when you're above 50. Because people think you're too old, and young people can be molded. Because they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...
So WTF, is that bad policy or what? Let's bring down the government.
I read the news today, oh boy. It seems that more and more blogs are being dealt with for writing inflammatory remarks. They are currently centred on racist remarks, but lets hope it doesn't go further, and regard every domestic complaint as treason. Where would be our freedom of speech? Big brother is watching.
Suddenly, I recall the movie Animal Farm...
* * *
Back to teen angst...
I have this friend in Temasek Poly that I cherish a lot. I thought we hit off well in the beginning. Well, we're always talking to each other on the bus, on the way home. We live near each other. But well, she seems to think otherwise. When the holidays come, I just get ignored. Ignored. and ignored... (play LINKIN PARK song!!)
In the previous term holiday, I've suggested, 'how about we go out and have fun' - since it ain't fun ghosting about the streets alone anymore. Well, it seems that she's not interested in hanging out with me, because she'd rather be with her other friends. Or like Hideki (Chobits) would say, "she probably thinks I'm a pervert". =)
What's this? I thought we were friends. At least, reserve some time for me? Even though we're of opposite sex, we could at least be good friends with each other. But apparently, our interests diverge. Because you seem to be the only friend I can count on, and maybe, share problems with. She was the first real friend I made in TP.
Well... that's tough! I'm listening to find ways to disappear completely, since the world is such a cruel place. So where do I find friends nowadays? I'm suppressing the impulse to talk to strangers, a rather complex issue, I thought. How many people would answer you? What did I think this was? IRC? The real world had its limits...
But I can't help it sometimes. I see students in Chung Cheng High School Main uniform, and I try very hard to shut up. Damn. Those were the days. I miss my misspent days in Secondary School. Instead of studying alone, I could have been flirting around, scoring goals, and making the most of life.
This is my cartoon:
But well, here I am.
Half the road left behind,
mountains to scale up ahead.
A ten foot truck roars past,
and the occupants inside make fun of me;
"Yo.. loserrr!"
They laugh and kick up the dust as they disappear into the distance
Looks like I can draw out a spongebob movie.
My father is now working as a taxi cab driver. Taxis are rented from the cab company. You'd have to work in a partnership to maximise profits, and leisure time. He works the morning shifts. Apparently, he complains that the working conditions are tough. He has to work 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was much worse than my experience @ McDonalds. Sitting in a cab all day long means immobilisation, causing his backside to hurt much. It's a dog's life!
The old generation wants to complain to the government. WTF. Dun just think about the young as the ultimate source of new ideas. The old are deep troughs of wisdom.
So what would happen when MY GENERATION gets old? A new generation of leaders take over, and we see the same thing happening again. Late retirement age - but no chance of getting another job if you're retrenched/fired, when you're above 50. Because people think you're too old, and young people can be molded. Because they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...
So WTF, is that bad policy or what? Let's bring down the government.
I read the news today, oh boy. It seems that more and more blogs are being dealt with for writing inflammatory remarks. They are currently centred on racist remarks, but lets hope it doesn't go further, and regard every domestic complaint as treason. Where would be our freedom of speech? Big brother is watching.
Suddenly, I recall the movie Animal Farm...
"ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL... but SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS."
* * *
Back to teen angst...
I have this friend in Temasek Poly that I cherish a lot. I thought we hit off well in the beginning. Well, we're always talking to each other on the bus, on the way home. We live near each other. But well, she seems to think otherwise. When the holidays come, I just get ignored. Ignored. and ignored... (play LINKIN PARK song!!)
In the previous term holiday, I've suggested, 'how about we go out and have fun' - since it ain't fun ghosting about the streets alone anymore. Well, it seems that she's not interested in hanging out with me, because she'd rather be with her other friends. Or like Hideki (Chobits) would say, "she probably thinks I'm a pervert". =)
What's this? I thought we were friends. At least, reserve some time for me? Even though we're of opposite sex, we could at least be good friends with each other. But apparently, our interests diverge. Because you seem to be the only friend I can count on, and maybe, share problems with. She was the first real friend I made in TP.
Well... that's tough! I'm listening to find ways to disappear completely, since the world is such a cruel place. So where do I find friends nowadays? I'm suppressing the impulse to talk to strangers, a rather complex issue, I thought. How many people would answer you? What did I think this was? IRC? The real world had its limits...
But I can't help it sometimes. I see students in Chung Cheng High School Main uniform, and I try very hard to shut up. Damn. Those were the days. I miss my misspent days in Secondary School. Instead of studying alone, I could have been flirting around, scoring goals, and making the most of life.
This is my cartoon:
But well, here I am.
Half the road left behind,
mountains to scale up ahead.
A ten foot truck roars past,
and the occupants inside make fun of me;
"Yo.. loserrr!"
They laugh and kick up the dust as they disappear into the distance
Looks like I can draw out a spongebob movie.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Waiting for someone to wake me up!
The time has now come for radical change. I'm not happy where I am, and that's MY problem. Perhaps we never get satisfied with what each of us have: there would always be room for improvement...
We never get satisfied with our time on earth; so how long do we have? The hols..
I'm as backward as the Soviet Union. Recently I discovered I know nuts about Jap anime and manga. Okay, I'm obviously lying. I've watched Chobits, Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex, Full Metal Alchemist, Full Metal Panic... Still recovering from the comic character Hideki; he's a pervert and all other characters say he's a good man. Well, that solves it - perverts can be kind in nature. Help me - the pop culture shared among young people these days are so diversified, it's hard to predict what would become the next topic of conversation (because I ain't very streetsmart).
And guitar; I haven't picked it up since.. no, I can't bring myself to play the songs.
The tv-watchers??? (Now, I don't believe anyone out there watches 'Heartlanders'; simply because it looks so 'been there, done that'. 'Full circle' - I'll yawn to all singapore documentaries). Singaporean tv ain't good anymore.
The past few days, besides watching Chobits, I watched Animal Farm, Final Fantasy VII, Les Choristes. Pretty much a couch potato eh? Well I swam this afternoon and got sunburnt.
Nowadays you dunno what people are talking about... You're a ghost on the internet... forums. Be proactive... haunt; or walk the streets. I've discovered that I've been living life inside a bubble. My social circle is caving in. Hahaha. What nonsense. May be denial.
I'm a failure at everything I do, where have I succeeded? I need countless of affirmations to keep my engine running; or at least, stop putting myself down. Argh. I hate to admit it, but recently, there has been a lack of 'peer support'... I dunno where my friends are. *listens to depressing Radiohead songs* YEAH. I'M JUST UPTIGHT... Back from 1997. I was still in primary school singing... J/K
Come to think of it, I have stagnated, due to my reluctance to accept new ideas. Damn, my conservative nature prevents me from adapting to social circumstances! Take for example, I now think that most pop music is worthless. I reject everything with prejudice, except RH and Coldplay. Songs from the last century... Damn, I suck. I'm growing mosquitoes...
I'm preparing to go for training at the ice cream factory. Why does the sense of trepidation appear when I decide to round the corner? Looks like a blind corner to me.
Obviously, this has to be the most messed-up post in my blog. I doubt people still have interest in a failure. I'm a dead end.
I'm at POINT A and I'm waiting to travel to POINT B. Just that I got stuck on the bus with tv mobile, and dammit, it seriously screws me up. How many times can the ads repeat themselves? Freaking operator. Every 10 mins Men In Black are back... LOST - guys... where are we? Ajisen dining...I wish I had a filter for useless knowledge... If only we had cybernetic brains... like Ghost in the Shell. Then, I can configure mine to erase the unnecessary information. Heck. That's idealistic.
We never get satisfied with our time on earth; so how long do we have? The hols..
I'm as backward as the Soviet Union. Recently I discovered I know nuts about Jap anime and manga. Okay, I'm obviously lying. I've watched Chobits, Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex, Full Metal Alchemist, Full Metal Panic... Still recovering from the comic character Hideki; he's a pervert and all other characters say he's a good man. Well, that solves it - perverts can be kind in nature. Help me - the pop culture shared among young people these days are so diversified, it's hard to predict what would become the next topic of conversation (because I ain't very streetsmart).
And guitar; I haven't picked it up since.. no, I can't bring myself to play the songs.
The tv-watchers??? (Now, I don't believe anyone out there watches 'Heartlanders'; simply because it looks so 'been there, done that'. 'Full circle' - I'll yawn to all singapore documentaries). Singaporean tv ain't good anymore.
The past few days, besides watching Chobits, I watched Animal Farm, Final Fantasy VII, Les Choristes. Pretty much a couch potato eh? Well I swam this afternoon and got sunburnt.
Nowadays you dunno what people are talking about... You're a ghost on the internet... forums. Be proactive... haunt; or walk the streets. I've discovered that I've been living life inside a bubble. My social circle is caving in. Hahaha. What nonsense. May be denial.
I'm a failure at everything I do, where have I succeeded? I need countless of affirmations to keep my engine running; or at least, stop putting myself down. Argh. I hate to admit it, but recently, there has been a lack of 'peer support'... I dunno where my friends are. *listens to depressing Radiohead songs* YEAH. I'M JUST UPTIGHT... Back from 1997. I was still in primary school singing... J/K
Come to think of it, I have stagnated, due to my reluctance to accept new ideas. Damn, my conservative nature prevents me from adapting to social circumstances! Take for example, I now think that most pop music is worthless. I reject everything with prejudice, except RH and Coldplay. Songs from the last century... Damn, I suck. I'm growing mosquitoes...
I'm preparing to go for training at the ice cream factory. Why does the sense of trepidation appear when I decide to round the corner? Looks like a blind corner to me.
Obviously, this has to be the most messed-up post in my blog. I doubt people still have interest in a failure. I'm a dead end.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
SEX (and reproduction)
Dr Jason Chang was making a funny statement in lecture this morning (24/8), giving me a kick-start to funny ideas:
No sex = no life?
Westerners seem to get on with sex all the time (and see what they get: Sexually transmitted dses. Herpes Simplex Virus, Human Papilloma Virus, AIDs, Hepatitis B,) Now, this may be my ethnocentric view of them - they don't practise abstinence (as influenced by hollywood).
On the other extreme, in our normally conservative Singaporean society, adults don't talk openly about sex (except bloggers like Xia Xue, new age deviants/ sexually deprived teens). Imagine the likelihood of 2 people of different genders discussing over the issue seriously, without squirming in discomfort; or light-heartedly; making small jokes over a cup of tea or laughing all over the couch in a talk show. I would say, unlikely - due to body consciousness among both genders.
In Malaysia, measures are being introduced to prevent off-colour jokes, obscene hand signals, vulgarities, sexual harassment, from polluting the workplace environment. However, it was stressed that an open discussion of sex during meetings, and shaking hands were deemed to be okay.
Currently, our society is having 'livestrong' bands, and teens swearing oaths of "no sex, before marriage". I wonder how many would live by that oath.
Firstly, all living things know that sex (reproduction) is neccesary for the continual introduction of species into 'the game'. Fluctuations in the genetic stock are experienced all the time (mutants with extra / messed up DNA). Evolution is a theory that implies, we are improving all the time, adapting to environmental conditions. But one fundamental question remains to be addressed in Darwin's theory: accelerating towards what end? We can only begin to speculate.
MY THOUGHTS:
Who the hell's playing us around? Are we in a genetic experiment? (God Emperor of Dune / 'The Island'.. never watched the movie, but may be similar) Is there limited time for the human race? (concept of Apocalypse) What's existence more than a big game? How do we know that life goes on in us after we're gone? How do we know that our religions teach us truth, and are not brainwashing us all the time, the social bodies growing power in membership? How much truth can we argue about over a religion?
MY QUESTIONS:
How does a pig know that he is being raised for ham and pork sausages?
How does a hen know that her life would be one of monotony, in a chicken coop?
How does a dog know that he will forever be a domesticated slave?
How does a chimpanzee knows he is being kept alive for an experiment?
Why do bacterial E. Coli colonies keep growing on a batch culture, if they know that nutrients will be exhausted, and time would run out for them, literally killed by their own excrement?
How does a human know when the end of life will come? 46... unsolvable! (coincidently, the # of human chromosomes)
Truth is, they don't know (functionalist perspective: why would they need to know?) This facilitates our power and continual exploitation over them. Unless you put it nicely, as top predators, we provide protection over these lesser beings from other predators... (their awareness of their plight might make them depressed, give them no reason to live, or they might rebel against the system - conflict perspective).
I started thinking about how the possible fates in life development narrow as time passes, relating to what I've learnt from Cell Biology.
Optimists in this life often see life as the road to infinity (infinite possibilites). In God Emperor of Dune, Moneo keeps looking on to Lord Leto for instructions. He has already lost all direction in his life. So if you were a Christian, would you believe in everything that your religion advocates? Or would you only pick and apply principles to your life that you agree with? I believe that religions do teach good stuff, designing various lifestyles/ philosophies to live by. They are cultures. And cultures must adapt to times, so as to prevent the erosion of societal values (cultural-leveling) and culture-shocks within a given population.
The theory of biogenesis states that all beings are created by god. This can be exemplified by a game of 'Monopoly'. God decides which players are in, which are out, what the moves are, by 'randomly' manipulating throwing dice. However, there's no way we can see god. God would be the 'top predator' if he does actively participate in our system. There's no way to find out, and no reason to speculate.
From a sociological perspective, we are part of a larger society (sociobiology, perhaps). Humans practise abstinence, because we are at the top of the food chain (we only get murdered by one another). Animals mate and reproduce all the time, in the wild, fighting for their territory and mating privileges. Cause if they don't, we'd all be vegetarians; or indirectly, there would be too high a level of oxygen on earth (because the growth of plants are not checked by herbivores); and the latter, carnivores in the food chain.
* * *
Basically, sex (male/female) is really just a label for us to identify with whilst we play 'the game'. Gender roles are society's form of order. Why do you think Muslim women are so disadvantaged (the fuss of wearing a tudung (headscarf/veils) all the time - although) in contrast to men? Certain measures are put in place to strike a balance in society (not egalitarian, but to achieve functionality). Put it this way, I speculate it is some form of social control. Women in modern societies have to doll up their faces, maintain their shapely bodies; while some men can look shit and scold vulgarities. This is clearly 'unfair'.
Why are women at a comparative disadvantage and demand for women's rights all the time? From young, they are socialised to their gender roles, until we have recently introduced new forms of culture (ie. meritocracy), such that women can achieve the same status in society... In our fair Singaporean society, women are protected by the law. Damsels may shout molest in public places, making heads turn; or in divorces, women would get custody of children, and a higher amount of compensation as compared to males. Concerning education, women get into universities 2 years earlier than their male counterparts which serve mandatory NS.
They are not just set rules of engagement in 'the game'. They may act to influence our body consciousness, our behaviour and interaction in society.
* * *
[Symbolism : The obvious reason why Coldplay's new album was named X & Y was because Males have the XY chromosome, and Coldplay is a fully male band. Presenting a view from a feminist perspective, Coldplay are trying to emphasise their male superiority (see following post).] In another sense, fertilisation: X + Y (gametes) -> Z (zygote)
Scientific knowledge has opened up new frontiers for human asexual reproduction - clones. The main concerns - think about it - if cloning procedures were made readily available to the public, we might just exhaust our wealth of natural resources on earth, just like E. coli in a batch culture; unless nutrients are continually being replenished.
There has got to be some control over the population. If God is present, we will be punished. If we deal out punishment amongst ourselves, we risk more reckless killing in dense, compact, overcrowded populations (US school shootings). Bacteria may synthesise antibiotics in a closed culture system; while we take up firearms and promote barbaric behaviour. (Ask yourself: what happens in a war? Other than computer simulations, it can't be too good in reality. There is too much anger, sadness, shame, and human pain (deaths) to bear and the effects will last for generations.)
* * *
As our storehouse of knowledge grows day by day, we seek to make sense of disparate facts; assembling pieces of information-jigsaw together, and apply them to explain the phenomenal daily life. In my opinion, if I don't put what I've learnt into practice as a student, I will not be fully utilising my available resources. In short, let me make my amateur analysis!!
Personally, I've came up with a new attitude towards life:
Life is not worth living, until you've discovered a dream worth living for.
"The A in apurinic means - no purine... just like Asexual reproduction = no sex... (pauses) uh.. nonono... just because I said no sex, I've got this whole bunch of teenagers half-awake now waking up."Hilarious. =)
No sex = no life?
Westerners seem to get on with sex all the time (and see what they get: Sexually transmitted dses. Herpes Simplex Virus, Human Papilloma Virus, AIDs, Hepatitis B,) Now, this may be my ethnocentric view of them - they don't practise abstinence (as influenced by hollywood).
On the other extreme, in our normally conservative Singaporean society, adults don't talk openly about sex (except bloggers like Xia Xue, new age deviants/ sexually deprived teens). Imagine the likelihood of 2 people of different genders discussing over the issue seriously, without squirming in discomfort; or light-heartedly; making small jokes over a cup of tea or laughing all over the couch in a talk show. I would say, unlikely - due to body consciousness among both genders.
In Malaysia, measures are being introduced to prevent off-colour jokes, obscene hand signals, vulgarities, sexual harassment, from polluting the workplace environment. However, it was stressed that an open discussion of sex during meetings, and shaking hands were deemed to be okay.
Currently, our society is having 'livestrong' bands, and teens swearing oaths of "no sex, before marriage". I wonder how many would live by that oath.
Firstly, all living things know that sex (reproduction) is neccesary for the continual introduction of species into 'the game'. Fluctuations in the genetic stock are experienced all the time (mutants with extra / messed up DNA). Evolution is a theory that implies, we are improving all the time, adapting to environmental conditions. But one fundamental question remains to be addressed in Darwin's theory: accelerating towards what end? We can only begin to speculate.
MY THOUGHTS:
Who the hell's playing us around? Are we in a genetic experiment? (God Emperor of Dune / 'The Island'.. never watched the movie, but may be similar) Is there limited time for the human race? (concept of Apocalypse) What's existence more than a big game? How do we know that life goes on in us after we're gone? How do we know that our religions teach us truth, and are not brainwashing us all the time, the social bodies growing power in membership? How much truth can we argue about over a religion?
MY QUESTIONS:
How does a pig know that he is being raised for ham and pork sausages?
How does a hen know that her life would be one of monotony, in a chicken coop?
How does a dog know that he will forever be a domesticated slave?
How does a chimpanzee knows he is being kept alive for an experiment?
Why do bacterial E. Coli colonies keep growing on a batch culture, if they know that nutrients will be exhausted, and time would run out for them, literally killed by their own excrement?
How does a human know when the end of life will come? 46... unsolvable! (coincidently, the # of human chromosomes)
Truth is, they don't know (functionalist perspective: why would they need to know?) This facilitates our power and continual exploitation over them. Unless you put it nicely, as top predators, we provide protection over these lesser beings from other predators... (their awareness of their plight might make them depressed, give them no reason to live, or they might rebel against the system - conflict perspective).
I started thinking about how the possible fates in life development narrow as time passes, relating to what I've learnt from Cell Biology.
"From the first line of the first page, to the end of the last page..."a nice lyric by Coldplay.
Optimists in this life often see life as the road to infinity (infinite possibilites). In God Emperor of Dune, Moneo keeps looking on to Lord Leto for instructions. He has already lost all direction in his life. So if you were a Christian, would you believe in everything that your religion advocates? Or would you only pick and apply principles to your life that you agree with? I believe that religions do teach good stuff, designing various lifestyles/ philosophies to live by. They are cultures. And cultures must adapt to times, so as to prevent the erosion of societal values (cultural-leveling) and culture-shocks within a given population.
The theory of biogenesis states that all beings are created by god. This can be exemplified by a game of 'Monopoly'. God decides which players are in, which are out, what the moves are, by 'randomly' manipulating throwing dice. However, there's no way we can see god. God would be the 'top predator' if he does actively participate in our system. There's no way to find out, and no reason to speculate.
From a sociological perspective, we are part of a larger society (sociobiology, perhaps). Humans practise abstinence, because we are at the top of the food chain (we only get murdered by one another). Animals mate and reproduce all the time, in the wild, fighting for their territory and mating privileges. Cause if they don't, we'd all be vegetarians; or indirectly, there would be too high a level of oxygen on earth (because the growth of plants are not checked by herbivores); and the latter, carnivores in the food chain.
* * *
Basically, sex (male/female) is really just a label for us to identify with whilst we play 'the game'. Gender roles are society's form of order. Why do you think Muslim women are so disadvantaged (the fuss of wearing a tudung (headscarf/veils) all the time - although) in contrast to men? Certain measures are put in place to strike a balance in society (not egalitarian, but to achieve functionality). Put it this way, I speculate it is some form of social control. Women in modern societies have to doll up their faces, maintain their shapely bodies; while some men can look shit and scold vulgarities. This is clearly 'unfair'.
Why are women at a comparative disadvantage and demand for women's rights all the time? From young, they are socialised to their gender roles, until we have recently introduced new forms of culture (ie. meritocracy), such that women can achieve the same status in society... In our fair Singaporean society, women are protected by the law. Damsels may shout molest in public places, making heads turn; or in divorces, women would get custody of children, and a higher amount of compensation as compared to males. Concerning education, women get into universities 2 years earlier than their male counterparts which serve mandatory NS.
They are not just set rules of engagement in 'the game'. They may act to influence our body consciousness, our behaviour and interaction in society.
* * *
[Symbolism : The obvious reason why Coldplay's new album was named X & Y was because Males have the XY chromosome, and Coldplay is a fully male band. Presenting a view from a feminist perspective, Coldplay are trying to emphasise their male superiority (see following post).] In another sense, fertilisation: X + Y (gametes) -> Z (zygote)
Scientific knowledge has opened up new frontiers for human asexual reproduction - clones. The main concerns - think about it - if cloning procedures were made readily available to the public, we might just exhaust our wealth of natural resources on earth, just like E. coli in a batch culture; unless nutrients are continually being replenished.
There has got to be some control over the population. If God is present, we will be punished. If we deal out punishment amongst ourselves, we risk more reckless killing in dense, compact, overcrowded populations (US school shootings). Bacteria may synthesise antibiotics in a closed culture system; while we take up firearms and promote barbaric behaviour. (Ask yourself: what happens in a war? Other than computer simulations, it can't be too good in reality. There is too much anger, sadness, shame, and human pain (deaths) to bear and the effects will last for generations.)
* * *
As our storehouse of knowledge grows day by day, we seek to make sense of disparate facts; assembling pieces of information-jigsaw together, and apply them to explain the phenomenal daily life. In my opinion, if I don't put what I've learnt into practice as a student, I will not be fully utilising my available resources. In short, let me make my amateur analysis!!
Personally, I've came up with a new attitude towards life:
Life is not worth living, until you've discovered a dream worth living for.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Sea breeze
This morning, I was jogging along East Coast Beach... when I saw a beautiful girl. Haha! J/K.
Tired with plodding on, I chanced upon a spot on the beach that was heavily eroded by the waves. East Coast Park (Marine Parade) is a destructive beach. That's why it's so clean all the time - all the trash gets washed out to the sea. The gradient of Singapore beaches are steep (that's why surfing and surf boards are not applicable here), and that's why the eddies form below the water and draw sand, sort of undercutting our coast.
* Here's a free visualisation exercise =)
I saw a small round outcrop of green grass above the sand. It was supported by roots of the mangrove tree, like an island on its own, separated from the rest of the land. I ventured across the gap, to stand above it. The mangrove roots were protruding from the edges
As my heart rate slowed to normal, I listened to the rhythm of the crashing waves. The breeze soothed my feelings. The sunlight was warm and the weather was cool. What a view! I could see the ships docked far away, and the sides of the beach. A coconut rolled along the sand as the waves crashed around it.
I turned around to examine the beach. People had pitched small tents around this area. I saw a grandmother rise up from the nearest tent. I looked at the natural colours, of lines layering the layers of rock.
I stood there for 15 minutes, arms folded like Sir Stamford Raffles. Perspiration evapourated from my skin.
I tried my hand at recalling geography - so is it a sea breeze or land breeze? I determined which direction the wind was blowing - it was from the sea to the land. Hence it was a sea breeze.
(1) During the day, sunlight shines and land heats up faster than the sea.
(2) Hot air above the land rises directly (by conduction of heat) as land gets heated up, forming an area of low air pressure.
(3) Whereas seawater heats up slower (experiences underwater convection currents), and cooler air above the sea sinks, forming an area of high air pressure.
(4) Since air moves from an area of higher air pressure to an area of lower air pressure, wind blows from the sea to the land, just like an energy (pressure) gradient.
The above paragraph was for personal interest only, and for anyone who might want to know. Not show-off lah!
Tired with plodding on, I chanced upon a spot on the beach that was heavily eroded by the waves. East Coast Park (Marine Parade) is a destructive beach. That's why it's so clean all the time - all the trash gets washed out to the sea. The gradient of Singapore beaches are steep (that's why surfing and surf boards are not applicable here), and that's why the eddies form below the water and draw sand, sort of undercutting our coast.
* Here's a free visualisation exercise =)
I saw a small round outcrop of green grass above the sand. It was supported by roots of the mangrove tree, like an island on its own, separated from the rest of the land. I ventured across the gap, to stand above it. The mangrove roots were protruding from the edges
As my heart rate slowed to normal, I listened to the rhythm of the crashing waves. The breeze soothed my feelings. The sunlight was warm and the weather was cool. What a view! I could see the ships docked far away, and the sides of the beach. A coconut rolled along the sand as the waves crashed around it.
I turned around to examine the beach. People had pitched small tents around this area. I saw a grandmother rise up from the nearest tent. I looked at the natural colours, of lines layering the layers of rock.
I stood there for 15 minutes, arms folded like Sir Stamford Raffles. Perspiration evapourated from my skin.
I tried my hand at recalling geography - so is it a sea breeze or land breeze? I determined which direction the wind was blowing - it was from the sea to the land. Hence it was a sea breeze.
(1) During the day, sunlight shines and land heats up faster than the sea.
(2) Hot air above the land rises directly (by conduction of heat) as land gets heated up, forming an area of low air pressure.
(3) Whereas seawater heats up slower (experiences underwater convection currents), and cooler air above the sea sinks, forming an area of high air pressure.
(4) Since air moves from an area of higher air pressure to an area of lower air pressure, wind blows from the sea to the land, just like an energy (pressure) gradient.
The above paragraph was for personal interest only, and for anyone who might want to know. Not show-off lah!
Monday, September 12, 2005
Imagine.. (analogies.)
**I lost this long post i made. So I'm re-typing it. =(
* * * (10/9)
Well, went to the SUNTEC National Healthy Lifestyle Campaign exhibit today. Went to ask around the various booths.
Chanced upon some upper body stretches that can be used for choir physical warm-ups (in fact, they should be done regularly, as much as 3 times a day). Neck rotation (clockwise/anticlockwise) was found to be counterproductive - may cause injury, so next time I'm not going to use it. Neck stretching relaxes the scalpular muscles (recommended to hold in position for 5s intervals). Upper Trapezius stretch involves tilting your head 45 degrees downwards to look at the sides.
In fact, these simples exercises actually sort of prevent the discs on the upper spinal cord (vertebra) from being compressed, in such a way that may result in the nerves sandwiched in between from degenerating - thanks to the explanation by the Neuroscience institute staff. Far from trying to impress them as a know-it-all FPATH student, I discovered the things I didn't understand. Lung cancer, followed by colorectal cancer, liver ca, lymphoma ca are more likely to occur in males in our population. Females are more susceptible to breast ca & osteoporosis...
Besides the free 'body fat' checkup, (which uses expensive new equipment) I also gained a lot of knowledge of pathology (but let's not discuss about that here). It turns out that some of the hospitals in Singapore were specialised (Tan Tock Seng travel clinic having the most variety of vaccinations; or so they said).
I visited the booth at Institute of Mental Health, promoting their 'Sayang Wellness Centre'. I inquired with the staff over 'burnout' and stuff, since the booth appears to be the most deserted (no freebies). It turns out that a large proportion of mental patients suffer from Stress and Depression. It was said that NUS lecturers go there for therapy. Mental patients come from you and me. Prevention was going for therapy (but that's their side of the story).
Well, I got away with a yellow Cellulite wristband. I also bought a "Where is the fat" cookbook, written by dieticians and nutritionalists of SGH. I was intrigued by using kikkoman soy sos, saki, teryaki sauce (boiled brown sugar, ginger, and onions) to cook teriyaki chicken. I'm intending on brushing up my cooking skills this holiday. No more wasting away.
* * * (10/11)
I was writing something about, imagining I was an E. Coli cell that divides every 20 mins (like agent smith. would that be cool or what?)
* * * (10/9)
Well, went to the SUNTEC National Healthy Lifestyle Campaign exhibit today. Went to ask around the various booths.
Chanced upon some upper body stretches that can be used for choir physical warm-ups (in fact, they should be done regularly, as much as 3 times a day). Neck rotation (clockwise/anticlockwise) was found to be counterproductive - may cause injury, so next time I'm not going to use it. Neck stretching relaxes the scalpular muscles (recommended to hold in position for 5s intervals). Upper Trapezius stretch involves tilting your head 45 degrees downwards to look at the sides.
In fact, these simples exercises actually sort of prevent the discs on the upper spinal cord (vertebra) from being compressed, in such a way that may result in the nerves sandwiched in between from degenerating - thanks to the explanation by the Neuroscience institute staff. Far from trying to impress them as a know-it-all FPATH student, I discovered the things I didn't understand. Lung cancer, followed by colorectal cancer, liver ca, lymphoma ca are more likely to occur in males in our population. Females are more susceptible to breast ca & osteoporosis...
Besides the free 'body fat' checkup, (which uses expensive new equipment) I also gained a lot of knowledge of pathology (but let's not discuss about that here). It turns out that some of the hospitals in Singapore were specialised (Tan Tock Seng travel clinic having the most variety of vaccinations; or so they said).
I visited the booth at Institute of Mental Health, promoting their 'Sayang Wellness Centre'. I inquired with the staff over 'burnout' and stuff, since the booth appears to be the most deserted (no freebies). It turns out that a large proportion of mental patients suffer from Stress and Depression. It was said that NUS lecturers go there for therapy. Mental patients come from you and me. Prevention was going for therapy (but that's their side of the story).
Well, I got away with a yellow Cellulite wristband. I also bought a "Where is the fat" cookbook, written by dieticians and nutritionalists of SGH. I was intrigued by using kikkoman soy sos, saki, teryaki sauce (boiled brown sugar, ginger, and onions) to cook teriyaki chicken. I'm intending on brushing up my cooking skills this holiday. No more wasting away.
* * * (10/11)
I was writing something about, imagining I was an E. Coli cell that divides every 20 mins (like agent smith. would that be cool or what?)
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Regret
Stricken with regret. I am an old man.
Well, once you've had these feelings, you will be feeling damn tired.
I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe the air-con temperature was adjusted too high. I'm going to have insommnia. After all the 'mugging' and all. Frankly speaking, I dun even call it studying. It's just daydreaming sometimes. If I had electrodes attached to my brain to show any unusual activity of brainwaves, it's in lala-land. Well, (insert bad word here) it, why can't we all study when the time arises? Why can't we be prepared for an emergency? How can we be so susceptible to environmental fluctuations? Like the chinese saying goes: wind blows, stirring grass. We're not E. coli in a culture medium, but we are living things.
Here I go spouting nonsense again; this ain't gonna help one bit.
I hope next time I could settle down and study, and dun just stone away in lala-land.
***
After all my exams, I went straight home. I knew I was doing a stupid thing. It was last min studying. I had to use the hints from the lecturers, but it turned out that the ones that I did study, did not appear on the exam script. My stamina for exams was extremely low. 10 mins into the exam and I'm already stressed up. I thought I had survived the tests, hence I would survive the exams. I was wrong. I
I came in the exam hall last min (I'm going to break this new habit). Next time, my planning would have to be day by day, instead of doing 'random/chance' studying - this would help me allocate time for each subject. And give myself some time to relax instead.
I don't want to rattle on on how much I've thought about studying, since I was never a good example of exam-readiness. I suck at it. My GPA is stagnant at 2.7. I'm hoping it doesn't drop any further.
Well, once you've had these feelings, you will be feeling damn tired.
I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe the air-con temperature was adjusted too high. I'm going to have insommnia. After all the 'mugging' and all. Frankly speaking, I dun even call it studying. It's just daydreaming sometimes. If I had electrodes attached to my brain to show any unusual activity of brainwaves, it's in lala-land. Well, (insert bad word here) it, why can't we all study when the time arises? Why can't we be prepared for an emergency? How can we be so susceptible to environmental fluctuations? Like the chinese saying goes: wind blows, stirring grass. We're not E. coli in a culture medium, but we are living things.
Here I go spouting nonsense again; this ain't gonna help one bit.
I hope next time I could settle down and study, and dun just stone away in lala-land.
***
After all my exams, I went straight home. I knew I was doing a stupid thing. It was last min studying. I had to use the hints from the lecturers, but it turned out that the ones that I did study, did not appear on the exam script. My stamina for exams was extremely low. 10 mins into the exam and I'm already stressed up. I thought I had survived the tests, hence I would survive the exams. I was wrong. I
I came in the exam hall last min (I'm going to break this new habit). Next time, my planning would have to be day by day, instead of doing 'random/chance' studying - this would help me allocate time for each subject. And give myself some time to relax instead.
I don't want to rattle on on how much I've thought about studying, since I was never a good example of exam-readiness. I suck at it. My GPA is stagnant at 2.7. I'm hoping it doesn't drop any further.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Heaven is to steer. Hell is to drift.
I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again
I've been taking the game too seriously...
things at face value...
I thought I didn't know where I was going...
I thought I didn't know how far I was gone.
BRAIN - CLEAR UP.
Life is not a game. It's what it is.
I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again
I've been taking the game too seriously...
things at face value...
I thought I didn't know where I was going...
I thought I didn't know how far I was gone.
BRAIN - CLEAR UP.
Life is not a game. It's what it is.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Musings (Seize the Day!)
I'll be putting a halt to my weekly guitar lessons in a week's time. My teacher said he's sorry to see me go, because he takes care of every student like plants, like flowers (in a cynical way, he's losing a certain source of income). I empathise with how he feels, but I can't stay - the fees are too high. I feel bad draining off my parents' hard-earned money.
I remembered the time I stopped piano lessons because I felt I was progressing very slowly, and had to deal with studies. Now, I find myself back in square one. Perhaps now I can devote more time to my choral activities?
Some people invest a lot of time while they were young to learn skills. Accomplished pianists can play any song you throw at them... I wish I had practised hard...
* * *
*drifting off in my thoughts...*
The first skill I've learnt was swimming. When I was young, I would spend over 2 hours on Saturday afternoon, doing many laps of breaststroke. Sometimes, being suspended in the water felt like you were dead. I thought I was in a floating coffin, drifting in the middle of an ocean. I'm dead. Free from the physical pain in this world. Otherwise, I felt like I was a submarine... :)
... So that was a skill I invested in, and gave enormous payback.
* * *
Sometimes I have a lot of ideas in my head. The air is full of ideas. I'd like to think about them, but I'll forget the next instant, like the passing breeze.
I just watched the Dead Poet's Society, which I actually did so by the recommendation of a friend (or as discussed in her blog) "Gather rosebuds while yo may..." Carpe Diem. From my perspective, the young boys in the movie have developed a wrong interpretation of their teacher's unconventional teaching. It was true that they were impressionable. Seize the day! as the film depicts, means making use of all the available opportunities in life. Misguided, they were. They did not see the big picture, that they were part of society.
It made me think about whether conformity would be best for our lives. As matured adults, we should take our actions into consideration and think of how we interact in society. But when I applied the concept to my daily life, it gave me adrenalin rushes. I was rushing for buses, asking lecturers questions, talking to strangers, etc.. I also wondered if any careperson in our poly was going to impress on their students: "make your lives extraordinary!!"
Currently, I see life as the pathway to infinity. The road of endless possibilities. I think that youths must be encouraged to step forward and challenge the future. The chicks must emerge from the nest and venture carefully. // Yet the eagle swoops above, circling for an opportunity. If by any chance, you get picked up by predator selection... most unfortunate. What are we living for anyway? Ourselves. But that's the hard and fast rule of life. How many people may make it, the amount of people who get distinction, there are the limits. As always, I have to remind meself that life is a big game.
I remembered the time I stopped piano lessons because I felt I was progressing very slowly, and had to deal with studies. Now, I find myself back in square one. Perhaps now I can devote more time to my choral activities?
Some people invest a lot of time while they were young to learn skills. Accomplished pianists can play any song you throw at them... I wish I had practised hard...
* * *
*drifting off in my thoughts...*
The first skill I've learnt was swimming. When I was young, I would spend over 2 hours on Saturday afternoon, doing many laps of breaststroke. Sometimes, being suspended in the water felt like you were dead. I thought I was in a floating coffin, drifting in the middle of an ocean. I'm dead. Free from the physical pain in this world. Otherwise, I felt like I was a submarine... :)
... So that was a skill I invested in, and gave enormous payback.
* * *
Sometimes I have a lot of ideas in my head. The air is full of ideas. I'd like to think about them, but I'll forget the next instant, like the passing breeze.
I just watched the Dead Poet's Society, which I actually did so by the recommendation of a friend (or as discussed in her blog) "Gather rosebuds while yo may..." Carpe Diem. From my perspective, the young boys in the movie have developed a wrong interpretation of their teacher's unconventional teaching. It was true that they were impressionable. Seize the day! as the film depicts, means making use of all the available opportunities in life. Misguided, they were. They did not see the big picture, that they were part of society.
It made me think about whether conformity would be best for our lives. As matured adults, we should take our actions into consideration and think of how we interact in society. But when I applied the concept to my daily life, it gave me adrenalin rushes. I was rushing for buses, asking lecturers questions, talking to strangers, etc.. I also wondered if any careperson in our poly was going to impress on their students: "make your lives extraordinary!!"
Currently, I see life as the pathway to infinity. The road of endless possibilities. I think that youths must be encouraged to step forward and challenge the future. The chicks must emerge from the nest and venture carefully. // Yet the eagle swoops above, circling for an opportunity. If by any chance, you get picked up by predator selection... most unfortunate. What are we living for anyway? Ourselves. But that's the hard and fast rule of life. How many people may make it, the amount of people who get distinction, there are the limits. As always, I have to remind meself that life is a big game.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Things I don't understand
how tides control the sea
and what becomes of me
how little things can slip out of your hands
how often people change
no two remain the same
why things dont always turn out as you plan
these are things that i dont understand
yea these are things that i dont understand
and i cant decide
wrong from right
oh my day from night
oh the dark from light
but i love this life
how infinite is space
and who decides your fate
why everything will dissolve into sand
how to avoid defeat
where truth and fiction meet
why nothing ever turns out as you plan
these are things that i dont understand
yea these are things that i dont understand
and i cant decide
wrong from right
oh my day from night
oh the dark from light
but i love this life
Coldplay r getting better at their lyrics. =)
and what becomes of me
how little things can slip out of your hands
how often people change
no two remain the same
why things dont always turn out as you plan
these are things that i dont understand
yea these are things that i dont understand
and i cant decide
wrong from right
oh my day from night
oh the dark from light
but i love this life
how infinite is space
and who decides your fate
why everything will dissolve into sand
how to avoid defeat
where truth and fiction meet
why nothing ever turns out as you plan
these are things that i dont understand
yea these are things that i dont understand
and i cant decide
wrong from right
oh my day from night
oh the dark from light
but i love this life
Coldplay r getting better at their lyrics. =)
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Zero Tolerance
I am so pissed OFF today.
I was tired, after studying last minute for FPATH. Then, a 'friend' approached me under the guise of studying. Firstly, I was annoyed when he started asking me irrelevant questions about the subjects already tested. When I started reading my notes, he was glossing over teen magazines.
I told him I was out rushing last minute work, but he kept disturbing me again and again with handphone SMSes. I'm so fucked up, I swear I'm not studying with him AGAIN! He doesn't know anything, but making a fool of himself. And I think he's just out to make trouble for me. I can see he's trying to influence me to STOP studying. He thinks I have it all in my head, but no - I know nothing!
Have you met a personality like that in your life?
15 mins before the paper. I still can't absorb anything with him playing the fool. I think I'm dead for sure, I just wanted to be left alone. He wants me to FAIL the paper with him, to do as bad as him. Some friends I have!
I f*ing swear - i'm not going to study with people like this anymore. I had spent the weekend preparing my notes for the subject, until this irritating fellow comes along and makes my day! (I don't care about your feelings - I'm just f* pissed off with what you have done to me. I can't believe how selfish you are! I needed time to revise and u just... I just want to die)
Some things, you've just got to do it on your own. I don't need anybody telling me to relax when I know how to. You'll need stress when the situation arises. I blame myself for not having the foresight, that this would happen.
PTC - one paper WASTED. That one's going down pretty bad.
Ah! I'm done for.
I was tired, after studying last minute for FPATH. Then, a 'friend' approached me under the guise of studying. Firstly, I was annoyed when he started asking me irrelevant questions about the subjects already tested. When I started reading my notes, he was glossing over teen magazines.
I told him I was out rushing last minute work, but he kept disturbing me again and again with handphone SMSes. I'm so fucked up, I swear I'm not studying with him AGAIN! He doesn't know anything, but making a fool of himself. And I think he's just out to make trouble for me. I can see he's trying to influence me to STOP studying. He thinks I have it all in my head, but no - I know nothing!
Have you met a personality like that in your life?
15 mins before the paper. I still can't absorb anything with him playing the fool. I think I'm dead for sure, I just wanted to be left alone. He wants me to FAIL the paper with him, to do as bad as him. Some friends I have!
I f*ing swear - i'm not going to study with people like this anymore. I had spent the weekend preparing my notes for the subject, until this irritating fellow comes along and makes my day! (I don't care about your feelings - I'm just f* pissed off with what you have done to me. I can't believe how selfish you are! I needed time to revise and u just... I just want to die)
Some things, you've just got to do it on your own. I don't need anybody telling me to relax when I know how to. You'll need stress when the situation arises. I blame myself for not having the foresight, that this would happen.
PTC - one paper WASTED. That one's going down pretty bad.
Ah! I'm done for.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Recovered post. too long.
Lately I've been mumbling to myself, "I hate my life!" And I believe more of it everyday. Put yourself in my shoes, and use the sociological imagination to try to understand.
Quiz week is over and I barely survived. I bombed 2 quizzes out of 3. I'll say it out loudly and proudly: f*. Who the hell imposed on me/us a quiz week! Today I realised I had 2 tutorial pop quizzes. 5 tests in a day, and put my head to rest. I'm swearing all the time!
When I'm not stoning, I'm making a run for it. I'm in the music comm. of choir, had a weekend ARTS camp last week, (attributed to me not having time to study) adding up to my list of duties. I have relationship problems - I don't have a girlfriend... Not that it matters of course. I would certainly abuse her by giving her loads of problems. So.. seek to handle thyself before thou handle thy enemy... I must manage myself capably first.
I must complain about the school! The schoolwork is a burden; they just don't give it a rest. I feel my school fees have been thoroughly misspent. I want more term-time and less rushing in academics. School should be made enjoyable above other things and not a drag!
I'm f*d asking too much. No one listens and shit happens. Well, damn them. I know the reason why people commit suicide. I take sociology, and it's because they can't take it - they can't socialise - they don't adapt to circumstances. Circumstances make it so - and that's just the way the world runs!
I want to make singers out of the ppl in choir. People notice nothing but big gestures in reality. I was throwing a bottle in the air and catching it. You'd make a few misses, but then you'd get the hang of it. Dexterity counts. Practise. Launching the bottle at an angle, begin with the end in mind. Concentrate. You exert more control over the object, rather than fumbling with the inanimate object. Begin with the end in mind. Practise. Feel the weight of the bottle. Feel how the water goes back and forth. Inertia. Launch it, and practise, practise, practise...
and practise makes things perfect.
Visualise things in your head - plans, outcomes, aims. Realise them. One thing after the next. Tick them off the checklist. You've become a planner for life.
Quiz week is over and I barely survived. I bombed 2 quizzes out of 3. I'll say it out loudly and proudly: f*. Who the hell imposed on me/us a quiz week! Today I realised I had 2 tutorial pop quizzes. 5 tests in a day, and put my head to rest. I'm swearing all the time!
When I'm not stoning, I'm making a run for it. I'm in the music comm. of choir, had a weekend ARTS camp last week, (attributed to me not having time to study) adding up to my list of duties. I have relationship problems - I don't have a girlfriend... Not that it matters of course. I would certainly abuse her by giving her loads of problems. So.. seek to handle thyself before thou handle thy enemy... I must manage myself capably first.
I must complain about the school! The schoolwork is a burden; they just don't give it a rest. I feel my school fees have been thoroughly misspent. I want more term-time and less rushing in academics. School should be made enjoyable above other things and not a drag!
I'm f*d asking too much. No one listens and shit happens. Well, damn them. I know the reason why people commit suicide. I take sociology, and it's because they can't take it - they can't socialise - they don't adapt to circumstances. Circumstances make it so - and that's just the way the world runs!
I want to make singers out of the ppl in choir. People notice nothing but big gestures in reality. I was throwing a bottle in the air and catching it. You'd make a few misses, but then you'd get the hang of it. Dexterity counts. Practise. Launching the bottle at an angle, begin with the end in mind. Concentrate. You exert more control over the object, rather than fumbling with the inanimate object. Begin with the end in mind. Practise. Feel the weight of the bottle. Feel how the water goes back and forth. Inertia. Launch it, and practise, practise, practise...
and practise makes things perfect.
Visualise things in your head - plans, outcomes, aims. Realise them. One thing after the next. Tick them off the checklist. You've become a planner for life.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Bad week
I suspect this might be the beginning of a lousy week.
On the contrary, I'm afraid to think that way becos it might turn out to be a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY.
I just seriously f*ed up a tutorial. I know it's not the end of the world, but I JUST FEEL DAMN LOUSY. It's like boiling water beneath the surface. Pressure is building up. Beneath a cavern, an icy subterranean lake. I need to let off some steam!
Listening to classical music dissolves some. Writing here expresses cracks on the solid ice surface. Reading my notes, and thinking about the subject draws out my steaming FURY. I'm not depressed! I never expected the type of questions to come out.
It's frustration. How am I supposed to score for this subject?
ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Expletives won't help.
* * *
I indulge in all the good things in life. What kind of hardship have I known? Eat Ice-cream, must be 'Ben & Jerry'. Home-made sandwiches must have ingredients: lettuce, tomato, ham (except picnic ham) and Cheese (must not be GM). All food must not contain MSG(explicitly stated). Movies, must watch the best - the meaningful ones. Study, must be in a noise free environment. Must pick the best seats in a lecture hall. I'm damn particular...
I can't stop this madness in life. Where will it take me?
'Great expectations' can be used to describe me.
On the contrary, I'm afraid to think that way becos it might turn out to be a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY.
I just seriously f*ed up a tutorial. I know it's not the end of the world, but I JUST FEEL DAMN LOUSY. It's like boiling water beneath the surface. Pressure is building up. Beneath a cavern, an icy subterranean lake. I need to let off some steam!
Listening to classical music dissolves some. Writing here expresses cracks on the solid ice surface. Reading my notes, and thinking about the subject draws out my steaming FURY. I'm not depressed! I never expected the type of questions to come out.
It's frustration. How am I supposed to score for this subject?
ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Expletives won't help.
* * *
I indulge in all the good things in life. What kind of hardship have I known? Eat Ice-cream, must be 'Ben & Jerry'. Home-made sandwiches must have ingredients: lettuce, tomato, ham (except picnic ham) and Cheese (must not be GM). All food must not contain MSG(explicitly stated). Movies, must watch the best - the meaningful ones. Study, must be in a noise free environment. Must pick the best seats in a lecture hall. I'm damn particular...
I can't stop this madness in life. Where will it take me?
'Great expectations' can be used to describe me.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Weirdo.
I went to NYJC's choir concert today; the first I've heard in a long time.
I could never stand for commenting about the songs. I did not hear most of them anyway. I seem to think the ones I sang in were better. This means I'm biased.
I may be sick of hearing the songs tt I sang before. I couldn't decide whether to close my eyes and listen, or to open and find out where the sound is coming from.
Anyway, I felt so diam today that I just kept quiet throughout the concert, and after it. As if I can't find anything to say to old friends.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the concert. It was anti-stress therapy. But I formulated some theories about my relationships.
I scratch my head thinking about shallow relationships and their 'hi-bye' limitations, and of deep, real friends that you can talk to on the same wavelength.
I thought to myself. Don't bother thinking. Just stone. "Don't worry because everything's gonna be all right!" - courtesy of a friend.
My studies are driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else.
Friends drive me crazy too.
===
Well, I got to thank Shanyu for treating me to a free show. :) OOPS.
At first I couldn't recognise you with long hair. Well, I hope you get better soon, and I'm sorry I couldn't pay you for it.
lawrence, yan ming, yan ren, huiling, jason, xuhao... My former classmates. See, I remember all of you! I really didn't expect the turnout. Well, all the best to all in life. Don't know when will we meet again...
I could never stand for commenting about the songs. I did not hear most of them anyway. I seem to think the ones I sang in were better. This means I'm biased.
I may be sick of hearing the songs tt I sang before. I couldn't decide whether to close my eyes and listen, or to open and find out where the sound is coming from.
Anyway, I felt so diam today that I just kept quiet throughout the concert, and after it. As if I can't find anything to say to old friends.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the concert. It was anti-stress therapy. But I formulated some theories about my relationships.
I scratch my head thinking about shallow relationships and their 'hi-bye' limitations, and of deep, real friends that you can talk to on the same wavelength.
I thought to myself. Don't bother thinking. Just stone. "Don't worry because everything's gonna be all right!" - courtesy of a friend.
My studies are driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else.
Friends drive me crazy too.
===
Well, I got to thank Shanyu for treating me to a free show. :) OOPS.
At first I couldn't recognise you with long hair. Well, I hope you get better soon, and I'm sorry I couldn't pay you for it.
lawrence, yan ming, yan ren, huiling, jason, xuhao... My former classmates. See, I remember all of you! I really didn't expect the turnout. Well, all the best to all in life. Don't know when will we meet again...
Saturday, May 14, 2005
has spoken 13th May.
I saw a customer blogging away with a laptop in the restaurant lobby. It reminded me to brush away the cobwebs here and update my little corner on the internet.
The truth is, I can't quit so early... (in less than a month)
I lied to the manager, and my integrity is compromised! I'm no longer hungering for more job experience. The manager has spent some time training me, the money paid for Typhrix injection. So through negotiation, I got shorter working hours, and a promise of staying away from stressful counter work. I negotiated too, to resign by June, 2 weeks after sch reopen. I think it is inevitable of me to resign.
I got a shock when I handled the computers at the counter. With the customers' orders running through my mind and all the 60s service... It was easy for me to refuse the challenge.
Promises of higher salary in temp. jobs are driving me crazy!
I keep challenging myself at work to perform better. Carrying as many trays as possible. As clean and fast as possible. Hi-efficiency. But sometimes, I think... why bother.
When time is a circle. (see Alan Lightman's 'Einstein's Dreams')
Look no further than the first one:
After clearing hundreds of trays in the lobby, I can agree with that. I don't even keep track of the number - the number of times you check the toilet and mop it up. The number of times you look at the clock to see whether time has passed. The number of times you scan the floor. The number of times you look out through the glass windows. The number of times you open the glass door for every customer. (you'd still have to throw away rubbish and organic material)
Not to mention collecting cigarette butts in the parking lot...
A very interesting book... The concepts of time are illustrated vividly in various scenarios. The book illustrates the above by saying couples keep on making love, like they did it for the first time... Thus, they can never get sick of it.
The human race and the cycle of wars... Breakdown of organised governments, restructuring, times of chaos (war), times of relative peace. (But it can't be described in a linear fashion!) I can't even begin to understand the complexity of where we're going as a race. Maybe it's evolution, but does it really matter in the end? You know life is so short.
And once your time is over, maybe u would go away and the world would cease to exist for you. Everything in life was just a dream. Everyday you greet friends, worry over things in a waking dream...
Once you savoured the bottom-line, you plan not to waste another day.
There was a song by the rock band Hoobastank, which said we're all going in the same direction. Where else could we go in the end? Attain immortality? and I'm not talking about Elvis.
I was thinking about people who opt for having cyberbrains, like Ghost in the Shell (jap anime). Would such an existence have meaning?
Precisely, it has no meaning, and it is out to take the (money) time away from productive individuals like me! Oops. *BHB. Which means I am feeling to full of myself.*
But who wants to be a hopeless kid rotting away, and growing mould in one corner? And not to mention collecting dust. (a term coined from a teacher I love)
(I want my managers and colleagues to stop nagging at me. The frying machines to stop beeping noisily. Some peace in the working life. That's what I strive for. I want to do it right. I want to earn rightfully $3.5 an hour, live up to my principles, and a full working day's experiences.)
* * *
I'm reading 'Lord of the Flies' now. Ralph is wondering what he should do about the beast. And the reader keeps thinking: "Damn. Why can't he see that it's a dead pilot instead of a beast."
I remember the cover of the book. A smart classmate of mine was reading it in a Secondary 1 class. So that's what modern literature is... And the writer - one of the best too - received a Nobel Prize.
The truth is, I can't quit so early... (in less than a month)
I lied to the manager, and my integrity is compromised! I'm no longer hungering for more job experience. The manager has spent some time training me, the money paid for Typhrix injection. So through negotiation, I got shorter working hours, and a promise of staying away from stressful counter work. I negotiated too, to resign by June, 2 weeks after sch reopen. I think it is inevitable of me to resign.
I got a shock when I handled the computers at the counter. With the customers' orders running through my mind and all the 60s service... It was easy for me to refuse the challenge.
Promises of higher salary in temp. jobs are driving me crazy!
I keep challenging myself at work to perform better. Carrying as many trays as possible. As clean and fast as possible. Hi-efficiency. But sometimes, I think... why bother.
When time is a circle. (see Alan Lightman's 'Einstein's Dreams')
Look no further than the first one:
"Time is a circle; individual experience endlessly repeats itself"
After clearing hundreds of trays in the lobby, I can agree with that. I don't even keep track of the number - the number of times you check the toilet and mop it up. The number of times you look at the clock to see whether time has passed. The number of times you scan the floor. The number of times you look out through the glass windows. The number of times you open the glass door for every customer. (you'd still have to throw away rubbish and organic material)
Not to mention collecting cigarette butts in the parking lot...
A very interesting book... The concepts of time are illustrated vividly in various scenarios. The book illustrates the above by saying couples keep on making love, like they did it for the first time... Thus, they can never get sick of it.
The human race and the cycle of wars... Breakdown of organised governments, restructuring, times of chaos (war), times of relative peace. (But it can't be described in a linear fashion!) I can't even begin to understand the complexity of where we're going as a race. Maybe it's evolution, but does it really matter in the end? You know life is so short.
And once your time is over, maybe u would go away and the world would cease to exist for you. Everything in life was just a dream. Everyday you greet friends, worry over things in a waking dream...
Once you savoured the bottom-line, you plan not to waste another day.
There was a song by the rock band Hoobastank, which said we're all going in the same direction. Where else could we go in the end? Attain immortality? and I'm not talking about Elvis.
I was thinking about people who opt for having cyberbrains, like Ghost in the Shell (jap anime). Would such an existence have meaning?
Precisely, it has no meaning, and it is out to take the (money) time away from productive individuals like me! Oops. *BHB. Which means I am feeling to full of myself.*
But who wants to be a hopeless kid rotting away, and growing mould in one corner? And not to mention collecting dust. (a term coined from a teacher I love)
(I want my managers and colleagues to stop nagging at me. The frying machines to stop beeping noisily. Some peace in the working life. That's what I strive for. I want to do it right. I want to earn rightfully $3.5 an hour, live up to my principles, and a full working day's experiences.)
* * *
I'm reading 'Lord of the Flies' now. Ralph is wondering what he should do about the beast. And the reader keeps thinking: "Damn. Why can't he see that it's a dead pilot instead of a beast."
I remember the cover of the book. A smart classmate of mine was reading it in a Secondary 1 class. So that's what modern literature is... And the writer - one of the best too - received a Nobel Prize.
Monday, May 02, 2005
I quit
I'm sick of my job. Don't ask why.
I can't cope with the job - long working hours and low pay. after considering the opportunity cost; trading leisure time for menial, physically/mentally straining job was no doubt foolish.
Today I fell sick after clearing the rubbish and frying hashbrowns. Yesterday, I walked home in the rain, thinking over my decision.
The demand for hashbrowns overshot supply. I kept getting scoldings. It gets so routine after 3 weeks.
I wasted 9 grilled chicken patties when I mistook them for breakfast sausages.
It's a sick job. and I can't understand why people work there. Why people are so lazy and cannot cook nutritious food for themselves. Happy meal for the kids? Some people study in the air-conditioned environment with the sublimal messaging - advertisements over the radio...
I heard that the tasty KFC whipped potato sauce is derived from excess fried-chicken crumbs! Sick. Horrible fast food. No more will I succumb to temptations of any fast-food chain when faced with a choice!
Back to the valued hawker centres of old.
Lesson reaped: I must study hard and get a good job in future.
I can't cope with the job - long working hours and low pay. after considering the opportunity cost; trading leisure time for menial, physically/mentally straining job was no doubt foolish.
Today I fell sick after clearing the rubbish and frying hashbrowns. Yesterday, I walked home in the rain, thinking over my decision.
The demand for hashbrowns overshot supply. I kept getting scoldings. It gets so routine after 3 weeks.
I wasted 9 grilled chicken patties when I mistook them for breakfast sausages.
It's a sick job. and I can't understand why people work there. Why people are so lazy and cannot cook nutritious food for themselves. Happy meal for the kids? Some people study in the air-conditioned environment with the sublimal messaging - advertisements over the radio...
I heard that the tasty KFC whipped potato sauce is derived from excess fried-chicken crumbs! Sick. Horrible fast food. No more will I succumb to temptations of any fast-food chain when faced with a choice!
Back to the valued hawker centres of old.
Lesson reaped: I must study hard and get a good job in future.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Absence; and the limitations of blogging
I came here to explain my absence, though I'm not terribly apologetic.
Rule of thumb: I'm not under any obligation to blog away bits of my life Blogging is my past-time. However, I understand the feeling: sometimes you click on a blog for curiousity's sake, and find... ANNOYING! The thing ain't updated! It's like a goddamn waste of time... ;-) It's like having been cheated of your feelings. And how everyone else is cheating your feelings... Who would be sincere to you, out there in the real world?
The cynical me is acting up. It occurs when nobody talks to you, and you're getting antisocial and depressed; but you're secretly hoping your friends would have telepathy of some sort, and think about how you're getting along, and give you a call or so. Just think about it. In a moment they would be there; and we can crack silly jokes and laugh at each other. In a moment we would be happy.
But sadness is infinite! It has infinite dimensions. To take a detour from depression, you channel sadness to brush against anger, you obtain cynicism... (a belief that everyone is out to make your life difficult) You shut yourself in a protective shell and trade for some time alone. Some time to reinvent yourself - a house undergoing renovations. And when it's done, you'll be sturdy. You'll be stronger.
* * *
Now, as if I'm going to issue a stern warning...
Try not to use my raw essay... as your own stuff... I mean, now, come on. The most important thing, is to be true to yourself. (If you had any kind of code of conduct/morals by which you abide) I thought about this with my narrow-minded linear train of thought. In your opinion, thought-provoking? Simple-minded? I'd say I was under-read.
I'm stupid enough to write an essay for somebody else who will read, take credit/use it and absorb more through his own learning experiences and will never share them with me. But damn! Zhaong has published something for the masses. And the masses are a sea, threatening to drown and swallow him in the murky depths of knowledgable individuals.
CONTROVERSIAL:
(The occurrence of foul language here is neccessary to a limited extent; because I wanted to express my emotions quickly, and naturally understood by most people.) Like the quick knife tasting blood; one could use expletives in text to express an exclaimation. To make it jump out at the eyes. Or maybe not.
* * *
WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO
The past few weeks, I found my job at McD's. In the quiet restaurant, people come and go. The salary, you ask? $3.50 an hr. I see past teachers from Chung Cheng High (Main), friends from my class, and choir.
Of course I met with problems during the job. The rapidness and quality of fast food chain can be acknowledged. Yet the nutritional concerns must be addressed too.
McSpicy Double patties clearly contain Monosodium Glutamate. I'm not sure about the others. I know most foodstuffs are cooked in partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. Especially French Fries. * Implication: Unhealthy TRANS FATS. We pack french fries and some customers just leave out a lot of them...
The Lobbyist
They don't finish...
their nuggets, mcwings and dippers.
Drink their coke half-way.
What can we do but throw them away?
Rule of thumb: I'm not under any obligation to blog away bits of my life Blogging is my past-time. However, I understand the feeling: sometimes you click on a blog for curiousity's sake, and find... ANNOYING! The thing ain't updated! It's like a goddamn waste of time... ;-) It's like having been cheated of your feelings. And how everyone else is cheating your feelings... Who would be sincere to you, out there in the real world?
The cynical me is acting up. It occurs when nobody talks to you, and you're getting antisocial and depressed; but you're secretly hoping your friends would have telepathy of some sort, and think about how you're getting along, and give you a call or so. Just think about it. In a moment they would be there; and we can crack silly jokes and laugh at each other. In a moment we would be happy.
But sadness is infinite! It has infinite dimensions. To take a detour from depression, you channel sadness to brush against anger, you obtain cynicism... (a belief that everyone is out to make your life difficult) You shut yourself in a protective shell and trade for some time alone. Some time to reinvent yourself - a house undergoing renovations. And when it's done, you'll be sturdy. You'll be stronger.
* * *
Now, as if I'm going to issue a stern warning...
Try not to use my raw essay... as your own stuff... I mean, now, come on. The most important thing, is to be true to yourself. (If you had any kind of code of conduct/morals by which you abide) I thought about this with my narrow-minded linear train of thought. In your opinion, thought-provoking? Simple-minded? I'd say I was under-read.
I'm stupid enough to write an essay for somebody else who will read, take credit/use it and absorb more through his own learning experiences and will never share them with me. But damn! Zhaong has published something for the masses. And the masses are a sea, threatening to drown and swallow him in the murky depths of knowledgable individuals.
CONTROVERSIAL:
(The occurrence of foul language here is neccessary to a limited extent; because I wanted to express my emotions quickly, and naturally understood by most people.) Like the quick knife tasting blood; one could use expletives in text to express an exclaimation. To make it jump out at the eyes. Or maybe not.
* * *
WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO
The past few weeks, I found my job at McD's. In the quiet restaurant, people come and go. The salary, you ask? $3.50 an hr. I see past teachers from Chung Cheng High (Main), friends from my class, and choir.
Of course I met with problems during the job. The rapidness and quality of fast food chain can be acknowledged. Yet the nutritional concerns must be addressed too.
McSpicy Double patties clearly contain Monosodium Glutamate. I'm not sure about the others. I know most foodstuffs are cooked in partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. Especially French Fries. * Implication: Unhealthy TRANS FATS. We pack french fries and some customers just leave out a lot of them...
The Lobbyist
They don't finish...
their nuggets, mcwings and dippers.
Drink their coke half-way.
What can we do but throw them away?
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Job-Hunting (a long story)
Okay. I shall begin with a long intro. This entry is shamelessly disorganised. Somehow I felt I should let go, and produce an outpouring of thoughts.
You know I really love my classmates. Sometimes I can feel their warmth, but what do they think about it anyway. Does saying that make them happy?
You know I don't give a damn whether all of you play pool, or that I can't play pool well; but you're my classmates and I should have known all of you better in the first place. Gen was right - relationship is give and take (and simple enough, like cell-cell interaction). The fault lies within me alone and I can't blame anyone.
Watched Victor's fave character 'Alucard' in Japanese anime Hellsing. Thought he looked like Carmen Sandiego (BBC Cartoon Criminal). Thought nothing great about the fighting scenes, and it ain't funny; they look hideous... Vampiric stories disturb my mind. This has sparked my interest in anime though. It's the unique way they delay scenes to draw out feelings.
In addition, I bought 'Ghost In the Shell Stand Alone Complex [01]', courtesy of Eric and Victor's advice.
If you guys don't want to be mentioned in the blog, tell me about it, okay?
* * *
I spent my morning eating breakfast at McD's. Woah boy. After reading the article about TRANS-FAT... I try to avoid eating McD's since it has been declared a known poison in the sacred, knowledgable tome of human health (that book does not exist, but it would be nice to have one).
When I encountered the morning-staff auntie, she said morning, welcome to McD's... and I said, Hotcake with Sausage ONLY, having here, no meal please! I thought about having Tea to go along... But in all, it added to 5.40!! I was thinking... Sher, but the Hotcake w/ sausage meal would cost only 5.30. The only difference between my order and the meal, was the deep-fried golden Hashbrown.
In my dictionary, deep-fried equals oily and bad. Moreover, Gold seems to be indigestible. So face the facts! If you exclude the Hashbrown - known poison - you pay an extra 10 cents!
Whether or not you like the Hashbrown, you'd have to eat it all the same, to save your hard-earned money. So much for avoiding trans-fat...
I'm thinking about working in McD's. In my observation today, it's not as easy as it seems. Macromanagement is key. You cannot be the cashier only. You must shuttle back and forth, switching between stations. You must shout clipped army-like commands: "Hotcake sausage!" For 1), you must know where to put your hands. Grab the serviettes, grab the chilli sauce... 2) You must greet all customers w/o fail. These come as basic requirements. Unless you greet them, they wouldn't come shuffling to your counter begging for food. 3) The Manager opens the door for customers and he's the multifaceted captain... The totipotent cell. I had not enough courage to walk to him and ask the QUESTION. Because I'm not sure how to ask it.
* * *
A sweet shop at Marine Parade was looking for assistant storekeepers. He rejected me straight away because he needed staff in the long-run, and I could only work for 2 months. At my Grandma's house, I flipped open the CLASSIFIEDS, and chanced upon a "SINGERS NEEDED". On singing, I went for audition @ 'Backstage'. I opened the door of a 2nd storey shophouse, to find a STUDIO... A director's black-plastic chair was laid in the centre, a few other people, also trying to audition were present. The staff was Amber, a woman in black. She told me to take off my shoes. She talked a lot of mandarin to other people on audition, and demonstrated various ways of singing, and their effects, e.g. SHE - Selina's voice is slightly nasal, Hebe has a chest voice... And she talked a lot about LIVE PERFORMANCES. I suddenly realised that I might be in the wrong place. Later, I sang a few lines from "The Scientist". She said my vocal projection was good, but my tone should vary throughout the song. She said I should consider performing since I possess a unique voice. I bought that compliment for a moment, and felt proud of myself, with the world smiling down on me. I looked so reserved before I was asked to sing. Perhaps I have given her a shock!
Actually, I thought it was a venue for recording artistes. I thought I could become like OCEAN. Oops there - I discovered my secret fantasy... My problem was, I only know Coldplay songs and a select few rock songs I like. Somehow, I'm disgusted with mainstream pop. Why can't people sing songs with a lower vocal range... It really discourages me!
Another woman came after me, Huang Pei Tse. She sang a Cantonese song very well with variations in pitch and tone. She said she was from H206. The 2 women kept talking about a local band called mu chuan (wooden boat?).
I thought when I sang Coldplay songs true to the fashion of Chris Martin, I couldn't possibly showcase my individuality. And I would be marked down as pretentious. So I thought: "hey Zhong hao, time to hit the guitar and piano... You're only Grade 2 going on 3, on both instruments. It's not Maturity time yet. You still have a CCA called choir."
I thought 'live performances' (reduced to gigs) were a big challenge. It was like doing presentations all over again. The main reasons for my reluctancy was 1) I'm uncomfortable with my limited vocal range 2) I have a phobia of performing due to past experience 3) My vocal techniques are not polished 4) I need more self-confidence. 5) I wish my voice instructors could have told me what was wrong!! I look up to Reuben and Albert. How do I sing the high notes without straining? Do I use the diaphragm in pop singing? Am I using the chest voice? All those questions unanswered, BECAUSE I DIDN'T DARE TO ASK! And now I might never have the chance again, I'm slapping myself in the face.
I'm a music-lover, not a performer. (You can say the same for soccer fans, they love watching the pawns move across the checkerboard - maybe not such a good description; but they love a heck of chaos. Controlled chaos that is, in the form of rules and referees, physical conditions, variables here and there relating to team physique... ART!) And maybe I should just shut up and slap myself for talking crap... HAHAHA... this is bloody disorganised! A form of art! My dream, is to compose simple songs for the ones around me.
I'm sad that I lost the namecard on the bus. I'm always losing things... Her name was Amber. That dashed my dreams. That's why I'm so mad now. Stricken with regret...
You know I really love my classmates. Sometimes I can feel their warmth, but what do they think about it anyway. Does saying that make them happy?
You know I don't give a damn whether all of you play pool, or that I can't play pool well; but you're my classmates and I should have known all of you better in the first place. Gen was right - relationship is give and take (and simple enough, like cell-cell interaction). The fault lies within me alone and I can't blame anyone.
Watched Victor's fave character 'Alucard' in Japanese anime Hellsing. Thought he looked like Carmen Sandiego (BBC Cartoon Criminal). Thought nothing great about the fighting scenes, and it ain't funny; they look hideous... Vampiric stories disturb my mind. This has sparked my interest in anime though. It's the unique way they delay scenes to draw out feelings.
In addition, I bought 'Ghost In the Shell Stand Alone Complex [01]', courtesy of Eric and Victor's advice.
If you guys don't want to be mentioned in the blog, tell me about it, okay?
* * *
I spent my morning eating breakfast at McD's. Woah boy. After reading the article about TRANS-FAT... I try to avoid eating McD's since it has been declared a known poison in the sacred, knowledgable tome of human health (that book does not exist, but it would be nice to have one).
When I encountered the morning-staff auntie, she said morning, welcome to McD's... and I said, Hotcake with Sausage ONLY, having here, no meal please! I thought about having Tea to go along... But in all, it added to 5.40!! I was thinking... Sher, but the Hotcake w/ sausage meal would cost only 5.30. The only difference between my order and the meal, was the deep-fried golden Hashbrown.
In my dictionary, deep-fried equals oily and bad. Moreover, Gold seems to be indigestible. So face the facts! If you exclude the Hashbrown - known poison - you pay an extra 10 cents!
Whether or not you like the Hashbrown, you'd have to eat it all the same, to save your hard-earned money. So much for avoiding trans-fat...
I'm thinking about working in McD's. In my observation today, it's not as easy as it seems. Macromanagement is key. You cannot be the cashier only. You must shuttle back and forth, switching between stations. You must shout clipped army-like commands: "Hotcake sausage!" For 1), you must know where to put your hands. Grab the serviettes, grab the chilli sauce... 2) You must greet all customers w/o fail. These come as basic requirements. Unless you greet them, they wouldn't come shuffling to your counter begging for food. 3) The Manager opens the door for customers and he's the multifaceted captain... The totipotent cell. I had not enough courage to walk to him and ask the QUESTION. Because I'm not sure how to ask it.
* * *
A sweet shop at Marine Parade was looking for assistant storekeepers. He rejected me straight away because he needed staff in the long-run, and I could only work for 2 months. At my Grandma's house, I flipped open the CLASSIFIEDS, and chanced upon a "SINGERS NEEDED". On singing, I went for audition @ 'Backstage'. I opened the door of a 2nd storey shophouse, to find a STUDIO... A director's black-plastic chair was laid in the centre, a few other people, also trying to audition were present. The staff was Amber, a woman in black. She told me to take off my shoes. She talked a lot of mandarin to other people on audition, and demonstrated various ways of singing, and their effects, e.g. SHE - Selina's voice is slightly nasal, Hebe has a chest voice... And she talked a lot about LIVE PERFORMANCES. I suddenly realised that I might be in the wrong place. Later, I sang a few lines from "The Scientist". She said my vocal projection was good, but my tone should vary throughout the song. She said I should consider performing since I possess a unique voice. I bought that compliment for a moment, and felt proud of myself, with the world smiling down on me. I looked so reserved before I was asked to sing. Perhaps I have given her a shock!
Actually, I thought it was a venue for recording artistes. I thought I could become like OCEAN. Oops there - I discovered my secret fantasy... My problem was, I only know Coldplay songs and a select few rock songs I like. Somehow, I'm disgusted with mainstream pop. Why can't people sing songs with a lower vocal range... It really discourages me!
Another woman came after me, Huang Pei Tse. She sang a Cantonese song very well with variations in pitch and tone. She said she was from H206. The 2 women kept talking about a local band called mu chuan (wooden boat?).
I thought when I sang Coldplay songs true to the fashion of Chris Martin, I couldn't possibly showcase my individuality. And I would be marked down as pretentious. So I thought: "hey Zhong hao, time to hit the guitar and piano... You're only Grade 2 going on 3, on both instruments. It's not Maturity time yet. You still have a CCA called choir."
I thought 'live performances' (reduced to gigs) were a big challenge. It was like doing presentations all over again. The main reasons for my reluctancy was 1) I'm uncomfortable with my limited vocal range 2) I have a phobia of performing due to past experience 3) My vocal techniques are not polished 4) I need more self-confidence. 5) I wish my voice instructors could have told me what was wrong!! I look up to Reuben and Albert. How do I sing the high notes without straining? Do I use the diaphragm in pop singing? Am I using the chest voice? All those questions unanswered, BECAUSE I DIDN'T DARE TO ASK! And now I might never have the chance again, I'm slapping myself in the face.
I'm a music-lover, not a performer. (You can say the same for soccer fans, they love watching the pawns move across the checkerboard - maybe not such a good description; but they love a heck of chaos. Controlled chaos that is, in the form of rules and referees, physical conditions, variables here and there relating to team physique... ART!) And maybe I should just shut up and slap myself for talking crap... HAHAHA... this is bloody disorganised! A form of art! My dream, is to compose simple songs for the ones around me.
I'm sad that I lost the namecard on the bus. I'm always losing things... Her name was Amber. That dashed my dreams. That's why I'm so mad now. Stricken with regret...
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Introvert zh
... at last, it's back to blogging, and time to put my creativity to work!
With a new layout, I hope things for me will start afresh; and as cells die and renew themselves with each passing day, I will approach each day with a more positive attitude towards life.
I've learnt today that age usually accounts for the amount of life experiences. My brother had invested his time on books in college. I was saying to him, "this book is great..." to convince him to read it, when he said he had already done so at a younger age. That was felt akin to a slap on the face.
* * *
Yesterday, spent my time with some of my friends in my secondary school CCA, choir. I was full of mixed feelings about it, but I felt very happy to see them again at April's house. I never felt so happy to see the seniors. I had no idea of what they were like, or how much they have changed. But they DO have magnetic personalities, and I think that everyone was very happy that day. We played around a bit in the early hours of Easter sunday. We watched football, anime, a horror movie. Everyone was slowly falling asleep one by one.
I felt sad to leave the next morning, because I thought I had left a part of me among them. In fact, I left my water bottle there, and I'm wondering when I would see it again. (Well, I had not enough sleep)
Thanks to April for hosting the 'get-together' party. Even though everyone had to disperse the next morning, with sleepiness in their eyes. I'm glad to have been in such wonderful company.
If anyone of you out there reads this blog. I'd say I love you all, you guys rock. Take care~!
With a new layout, I hope things for me will start afresh; and as cells die and renew themselves with each passing day, I will approach each day with a more positive attitude towards life.
I've learnt today that age usually accounts for the amount of life experiences. My brother had invested his time on books in college. I was saying to him, "this book is great..." to convince him to read it, when he said he had already done so at a younger age. That was felt akin to a slap on the face.
* * *
Yesterday, spent my time with some of my friends in my secondary school CCA, choir. I was full of mixed feelings about it, but I felt very happy to see them again at April's house. I never felt so happy to see the seniors. I had no idea of what they were like, or how much they have changed. But they DO have magnetic personalities, and I think that everyone was very happy that day. We played around a bit in the early hours of Easter sunday. We watched football, anime, a horror movie. Everyone was slowly falling asleep one by one.
I felt sad to leave the next morning, because I thought I had left a part of me among them. In fact, I left my water bottle there, and I'm wondering when I would see it again. (Well, I had not enough sleep)
Thanks to April for hosting the 'get-together' party. Even though everyone had to disperse the next morning, with sleepiness in their eyes. I'm glad to have been in such wonderful company.
If anyone of you out there reads this blog. I'd say I love you all, you guys rock. Take care~!
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Uncle's opinion.
Today, 2 children, totally unrelated to me called me uncle. They were gathering donations for 'Z' charity organisation.
I am saddened that I have lost my youth.
* * *
"The more pretty a girl is, the higher the cost of her maintenance". I thought about my hypothesis for a while, but found it to be not true - I'm being a sour grape.
There has been no history of me being implicated in a mutual relationship. I always thought schooling is the time for studying and making friends. I've always been attracted to girls with good grades.
But sometimes, I think otherwise. After all, my hormones are raging. From young, my parents have switched channels whenever the TV actors get into some form of intimacy, whether kissing or the James Bond scenes (sex and sex all over again). Basically, they would jump up quickly and seize the remote. At the end of all action movies, they would frown upon the set and say, "Ang-moh people is like that one! Everytime kiss-kiss!"
I think I'm a born conservative because of that - the conditioning put in place throughout my childhood. It sounds like some form of Buddhism - renouncing the desires of the flesh. But it's effective!
A few weeks ago while I was using the PC in the library, a young couple was sitting across me. I was trying to concentrate on the monitor, but they were getting into unneccessary intimacy, making me wince in discomfort.
Firstly, I long to start off with a peer relationship. When things are fine, can a relationship possibly develop. I am not a desperado. I'm just looking for true love.
I am saddened that I have lost my youth.
* * *
"The more pretty a girl is, the higher the cost of her maintenance". I thought about my hypothesis for a while, but found it to be not true - I'm being a sour grape.
There has been no history of me being implicated in a mutual relationship. I always thought schooling is the time for studying and making friends. I've always been attracted to girls with good grades.
But sometimes, I think otherwise. After all, my hormones are raging. From young, my parents have switched channels whenever the TV actors get into some form of intimacy, whether kissing or the James Bond scenes (sex and sex all over again). Basically, they would jump up quickly and seize the remote. At the end of all action movies, they would frown upon the set and say, "Ang-moh people is like that one! Everytime kiss-kiss!"
I think I'm a born conservative because of that - the conditioning put in place throughout my childhood. It sounds like some form of Buddhism - renouncing the desires of the flesh. But it's effective!
A few weeks ago while I was using the PC in the library, a young couple was sitting across me. I was trying to concentrate on the monitor, but they were getting into unneccessary intimacy, making me wince in discomfort.
Firstly, I long to start off with a peer relationship. When things are fine, can a relationship possibly develop. I am not a desperado. I'm just looking for true love.
Friday, January 14, 2005
closed.
I have removed the tagboard. I am addressing you, irritating sneak! Are you happy now?
There's the old saying: "when the cat's not around, the mice will play."
I am the cat, and you are the mouse! Take my word for it.
Your motives are known to me,
you seek to amuse yourself at other people's expense!
Don't take the joke too far.
You are a bad influence to those around you.
Whoever you are, I refuse to entertain you further.
I do not need this medium for communication.
There's the old saying: "when the cat's not around, the mice will play."
I am the cat, and you are the mouse! Take my word for it.
Your motives are known to me,
you seek to amuse yourself at other people's expense!
Don't take the joke too far.
You are a bad influence to those around you.
Whoever you are, I refuse to entertain you further.
I do not need this medium for communication.
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