No. I'm not depressed.

My blog - the instrument I carry with me on this dark lonely journey, through which I vent my frustrations each step of the way... :(

Well... Life! Here we are - the crossroads. I have to decide for myself, what I want in my life. Look, I can't believe my secondary education is over. Everything is so serious now. The future looks bleak. (I'm sorry - I'm a pessimist.) A step in the wrong/right direction would be all it takes. Trapdoors. "Strive for greatness or (you) we shall be crushed..." (Was it Stalin who said that?) We don't fool around with life here. We would die playing...

* * *

I watched all 3 episodes in the Hong Kong thriller movie, "Infernal Affairs" over CNY. I admit I'm greatly sickened by the amount of blood and violence. (More headshots.)

Quotes from the movie: "Ever shaken hands with a corpse?" "Everything will be fine after tomorrow." "I'm a cop." and "give me one more chance."

For some brief moments during the deaths of the main characters, they play music comparable to that of the Lord Of The Rings. Some of the horrifying moments were in the first episode, where the elevator doors kept 'gnawing' at the dead hero's legs, which were caught in between after he was murdered.

* * *

There's a shadow hanging over me.

Many friends have left/are leaving the country. Jonathan would be leaving for the States in June.

New (and old) relationships that lead to nowhere... Impasse, I guess... I hope we are still friends? Everyone finds me a bore these days. I am a Gollum, drove mad by the ring. Who still wants to be my friend? :(

My music preferences

(22/1)
I woke up early today, skipping school. Yeah. Then I slacked. Surfed the net to look up on Coldplay and Radiohead. There's a 'Radio 1' documentary, "The Ticking Of Clocks" about Coldplay @ IN MY PLACE in the official website.

A part of the interview as usual, goes on about how Coldplay have gained popularity in such a short time and blah blah... since Yellow... They played God Put A Smile Upon Your Face and audio clips from the live performances...

Sometimes I hate Linkin Park and Evanescence. Sheesh. Stop those freaking blaring guitars, crap lyrics and screaming! Hopefully Chester loses his voice one day. I'm so sick of the noise. I'm so proud that I love both Radiohead and Coldplay. If you want the 'kick'... go listen to Metallica, Master Of Puppets or Nirvana...

(19/1)
I listened to The Cranberries "Wake Up And Smell The Coffee" album on Sunday. It was just phenomenal. Dolores sings better than her Evanescence counterpart. There are many good songs on the album... "Never Grow Old", "Analyse", "Pretty Eyes", "Every Morning" just to name a few. Haha. I failed to mention that I like their music too. It was revisiting two years back at the end of Secondary Two, when there was worldwide turmoil. I thought, this is it...

Back then, I fed my ears on boybands and stuff. I spent a year listening to the radio actually. I did not like R&B, Craig David stuff... Westlife, a1 were the 'in' thing. Then I bought the u2 album "All That You Can't Leave Behind". I thought... Rock? Best album?

Well... I did pick up Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory later, I tried my best to listen to it. My parents were so unhappy with the noise...

Albums I will put away now and then, only to revisit them in the distant future. Haha? Yes, haha. (because I got stuck here.)

Happy Chinese New Year!!

Wish everyone a prosperous Year of the Monkey! Wish everyone live in excellent health... =)

Ho boy! Lazy to update my blog. :P

I've been reading the news...

Some news for health... (Sleep 'can increase brain power')

Some funny news... (Russian army rescues kegs of beer)

Advertisement: "If you drink, don't drive!"

Even elephants have their problems... (Drunken elephants die in accident)

A rainy afternoon.

I stopped by Kallang/Geylang river to admire the scenery this afternoon. Umbrella in hand, I was wondering, "what if I was an animal?" "Where would I be, out in the rain?" The need for food was always there... I saw a white bird - like a pelican, and a blue kingfisher, combing the muddy grey sands...

On the muddy sands by the Geylang river...
There I perch, with my feathers soaked in the cold rain.
I thrust my beak into the drainage water to taste it.
However bitter, salty, or full of human spit...

I taste fish!

I have spotted my prey, and however it tries to swim away...
It can never escape.
I shot a nervous glance at my rival nearby, another male of another species.
We would have to fight beak and claw over it.

I shrieked at him, "Go away!"
He said something similar, nowhere nicer,
and crept slyly nearer.
Argued we did, and so the fish escaped.

A Confused Person...

What? Homework settles on my table like dust particles on furniture in the morning... I don't feel like doing! I sneezed.

I miss my pals to hang out with (hey Siang Weng!! Wong Chyi!! And yeah... Jian Jun.)

Tired! I returned last night from the great celebration of 3 birthdays... Rachel, Jason and Pang How from my OG. I haven't been much of a prescence. I hardly spoke - don't know why! I must have been in one of those anti-social moods again... It's easy for me to say "what the hell am I doing here?" out aloud, though I would really hate myself for it. It's a joyous occasion - yet I could not bring myself to smile...

I sat at the narrow end of a rectangular table for ten people. I ended up talking to Charles and Joshua, half of the time. It was my first visit to Marche @ the Heeren. The Heeren is this shopping mall dominated by HMV. What's a Heeren? Hearing? Well. Outside, you see a lot of people sitting by the roadside smoking away. On entry, there's an escalator to take you to the second floor. Behind the escalator you would see a miniature foundtain of some sort. The toilets were insane! The taps and handwash dispenser were automated. I held out a hand and got soap, instead of water. The toilet design was really unique. The mall was full of artistic appeal to attract youths. There was MTV on television sets hanging from the ceiling.

I found myself taking Neoprints with the rest of them. It was definitely my first time doing such a thing. Yeah, I heard the girls have a whole collection. -_-"''

A narrative essay (one that wastes your time as well as mine).

To catch a runaway bus today, I RAN TO THE NEXT BUS-STOP... THE RED MAN TURNED GREEN, SO I hurried along, schoolbag, plastic bag, and all... THE GREEN MAN BLINKED BEFORE MY EYES as I got to the road junction. CARS turned in THIS WAY AND THAT - IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE, IT SEEMED. I HESITATED AS the RED MAN came on the SCENE. WHEN ALL WAS HOPELESS, IT JUST SEEMS AS IF I WOULD MISS THE BUS...

I VIOLATED the traffic regulations and JAY-WALKED ACROSS, fleeing like a bird. It was a wonderful feeling, and I felt IN CONTROL OF MY DESTINY for a MOMENT... HOWEVER, AT the same time I FELT a chill down my spine. I thought about seeing GHOST CARS WITH THEIR GHOST DRIVERS blowing down on the WIND AND NOISES, the BLARING HORNS CRUSHING DOWN on my eardrums relentlessly.

Many cars have come to pass as I took my last steps off the tarred road. What I have left is the noise behind, and THIS etched in my memory...

"DO NOT JAYWALK."

(To be continued...)


**Editor's note: I am considering these two fictional paragraphs that just add humor - spoil the atmosphere, I mean - in the story...**

* * *
My head screamed "GET OFF!"... but all I could do was to remain where I was. There. Right there in the middle of the road, trapped in time and... in control of my own destiny... I am the matador facing the charging bull... I am the matador facing the charging bull... Great. This must be how they feel. Heroes for all that bravura... Hey dude, where's my cape?

With a devilish grin, I held up my green plastic bag - imprinted on it "Four Leaves"... (full of bread for breakfast) and awaited a certain death. The crowd surged in excitement... The pedestrains and drivers swiveled their heads to look...

* * *

I continued running on the pavement towards the bus stop. It was still there waiting for me. Then there was this accursed metal chain strung between two posts making accessibility difficult for me. I considered. I tried to clear the hurdle with one... leap...

I flew! I was such a comical sight, I would have laughed my head off if I saw myself! The ground came close as I fell forward. Thoughts ran through my head - you know, like "oh no, I fell down."

I found myself on all fours. Dazed, I picked up the bag containing bread. Thankfully, the food was still inside. I was not bleeding, but my hands were red from the fall. I scrambled to my feet and ran to the bus-stop... In the end, I caught it - the driver opened up the door again, for me. I sat in the back of the bus to catch my breath and checked for injuries from the fall...

I could not clear the chain because my schoolbag weighed down on me! I should have walked around the obstacle... With hindsight, what I did was undoubtedly foolish... But from another point of view, if I did not try - how could I have known if I succeeded? Dreaded metal chain! Why did they have to install them there?

The past three days...

So full of life lately... :0 One thing that comes to my mind are the "anti-fatigue" tablets from Frank Herbert's "Dune"... I have spent the last 3 nights sleeping without aircon - because of some dumb mistake with fixing the household circuit... I have sprayed down 2 mosquitoes in the past 3 days... Yay!

Yesterday I met Shi Min and Xiao Xuan at a bus-stop near my old school. Yeah, I'm surprised too... haha. Didn't get anything for Shi Min's birthday, so I looked around desperately for help! Yikes.

It really made my day just to see the both of them again. However, I want to apologise for making such a hasty exit... because I was following Charles around, hunting for books. There don't seem to be any A-Level books in Katong News Agency... So we checked out Popular and MPH in Marine Parade. The books were out of stock. Later, Charles bought a small cactus plant (this chatty boy never fails to amaze me) and looked around for pet fish in the shops. I don't have a passion for fish - except for consumption - so we did not share the same sentiments towards fins and tails.

This morning, I woke up feeling lethargic at 6AM. The rest of the day... *yawn*

(The previous entry on Balloons... The actual song is 'Qi Qiu' by Peggy Hsu...)

hmm?

A lot of things I did today at the CCA recruitment drive...

I met 3 ex-classmates in school... Cynthia, Wee Zhun and Ivan...
Hmm. When I saw the Volleyball CCA, I was thinking about Cynthia, who loves the sport. At the same instant, she appeared, pretty as ever. I saw Wee Zhun in the concourse, sporting long hair... He was helping out in IT club. Ivan... think he helping out in Chinese Drama also...

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder..." *ahem* Well, I've been missing the people from choir - especially the ones I hang out with in the Genting trip. Shucks! I mean, I wish I could have got it recorded in my blog. What are memories but things we remember and forget, from time to time... Then we were discussing about it in a circle on the 'clean-swept' floor of the choir room.

*sigh* As I look around the school, with the sun shining down on my face, I see the green grass around the lake... Sunlight danced on the ripples in the murky waters... It was a pleasant morning... Clouds painted the sky... But I thought, this was no longer a place for me. I must admit - this place is like Rivendell... (The realm of Elrond and the elves, where Frodo wakes up in The Fellowship of the Ring) Millenia Institute is like... MORDOR. There was something quite magical about it today.

*One thing I would miss, is the $1.10 Pink Dolphin Drink sold in the school canteen... It sells for $1.50 in Mobil Petrol Station, and $1.15 in a discount at Shop N Save... I shall always head back to school to replenish my supply of pink dolphin. Like how easy can it get? :D (*UPDATE: Pink Dolpin sells around 90 cents at Carrefour)

Eating out is always expensive. I ate a $5.95 Zinger Meal in KFC for lunch, with friends in choir - of course. I had to sit with Rachel, Jia Min, Yi Tien and Wei Ting in one corner. l felt quite left out. The girls were talking about Wei Ting's friend... You couldthink of something to say, but before you opened your mouth, the topic takes an extraordinary leap! =D "So frustrating!"

(Background music: A Hard Day's Night. The Beatles.)

I have - no life.

My father gave Jon a ride home, and brought me to see the Chinese Physician in Bedok North. I was worse than ever, limping. This morning I was called a "cripple" by Charles... -_- Anyway... The chinese physician... Argh! Let's not talk about these painful matters...

The past two days I spent going to Westmall with the rest of my OG. What can I say about it... what can I say? It was fun going out in a column as usual. Hmm. Like in Genting... Westmall is really... dullsville. Chinese New Year brings out the $8.80 pineapple tarts of the profit-making giant Bengawan Solo... Chinese New Year music... Decorations, etc... Anyway there were gift shops here and there. The girls went inside and hugged all the soft toys. They left without buying anything, as anticipated...

Where pain meets trouble.

Twisted an ankle today. Fell while playing soccer. HAIX. WHY I SO SUAY? Hahaha... I had to limp around and everyone kept asking me what happened. I think I got a new reference, "the injured guy"... Listened to more Norah today... as for the past few days.

Getting More and More Tired Everyday...

I've got to learn to prioritise. Really. My life is so full of activities lately, I hardly have time to breathe...

Things to do on my mind include:
1. Updating this Blog.
2. Learning Guitar.
3. Read Books on Loan (ENGLISH).
4. Read Books on Loan (CHINESE).
5. Chatting w/ Friends.
6. Studying.
7. Listening to Music.

Now, prioritise... somehow...

I bought the Norah Jones Album on Saturday (after my third guitar lesson). Hmm... My views on it? It's totally awesome! I really like "Don't Know Why". Jazz - one word comes to my mind. Ahh... But really, the album is so soothing... I like "Lonestar" and "Nightingale" too.

The lyrics to "Don't Know Why" are in my head. The whole song, I think, relates to confusion over love, as known as 'love-sickness'. Especially the chorus: "My heart is drenched in wine... You'll be on my mind, forever." It means, my heart is drunk... and I've been thinking about you... "Catching tear drops in my hand," is another wonderful line... It shows - I can't control my feelings for you... to the extent that I weep.

The song opens to the acoustic guitar... and then the lovely piano. Hmm. I'm reminded of Coldplay's "Green Eyes" and "We Never Change". But they don't compare to this song. Yeah. I like them both too.

I don't know - don't know why I wrote all that...

The Beatles - Across The Universe.

This is the background music. Haha. I know... It sounds wonderful! I would be doing injustice not to introduce the song. The song information is here.

I also got the lyrics from the website above. Haha. I reorganised it.

~ Across The Universe. The Beatles, Let It Be. ~

(Verse #1)
Words are flowing out, like endless rain into a paper cup...
They slither while they pass - they slip away, across the universe...
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
possessing and caressing me...

(Chorus)
Jai guru deva om...
Nothing's gonna change my world...
Nothing's gonna change my world...
Nothing's gonna change my world...
Nothing's gonna change my world...

(Verse #2)
Images of broken light, which shines around me like a million eyes...
They call me on and on, across the universe...
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box...
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe... (Goto Chorus)

(Verse #3)
Sounds of laughter, shades of joy...
Are ringing through my open ears, inciting and inviting me...
Limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns...
It calls me on and on, across the universe... (Goto Chorus)

Jai guru deva... (x4)

Beautiful isn't it? Sometimes I feel spacy. Just like the "Flying Through Space" Screensaver. The lyrics are especially beautiful - think imagery. The theme is love, I guess - it is especially obvious in the fourth verse. Just like Lennon, who wrote "Imagine" also. The recorded version... hasn't a good feel as the midi... I find it, a bit rough. The - snares? - suddenly sound in the chorus, "... nothing's gonna change my world..." allowing it to climax over the previous melodies, with the statement repeated 4 times over.

Balloons - Lofty thoughts.

Just wanted to share a beautiful moment today... Today, in the late morning, my parents and I went to Yu Neng Primary School to play badminton. I saw my sporty young cousin - YONG!!

We played soccer in the field with two even younger cousins. I was enthralled when Yong started to sing the Mandarin song, "Balloon(s)". Even though he sang like - *ahem* - I caught on the tune, and the original female singer was singing in my head...

The sun was shining at a moderate intensity... The sky was clear blue, with the clouds few and far between. Far across the field was a road, and then a block of residential flats, with sun shining in on the hanged laundry... Yong kicked the ball in the air. For a moment - I thought that it hovered in mid-air, never wanting to come down. Just like the song. So lofty.

So, I think about balloons... balloons released in a SYF Opening Ceremony I participated in two years ago. Above the piano accompaniment, the singer's voice roamed freely. I dunno what the words are. But I remember seeing those balloons soar from the stadium, letting go of all bonds with the earth, and they will never come back. Where do they go? On a windy day - do they get blown out into the sea? Do they travel miles to some foreign country? Who knows, also, what kites see...? But lets not digress... I always have this fear, as a little child, grasping tightly to the balloon. In a nervous moment, any child would let go of the thread connecting the balloon, and look up to see it vanishing into the skies...

Where do they go?

I saw the 3 boys playing happily together.

Just like an MTV...

I try to shrug off my childish thoughts.

Second Day at you-know-where.

I stink to the depths now. Drinking milo-freeze, I have just returned from my second day of orientation.

I came to school early at 7.10AM today - by car, of course. I walked around, knowing nobody. I was hungry, and wandered about the canteen like a poor dog, sniffing for food. Suddenly, I glimpsed a student queueing up for Fried Noodles and I wagged my tail excitedly. Hmm... Fried Noodles, Fried Egg and Fried Seaweed Chicken... That was the only viable option.

After breakfast, I met up with Zhiwei and Jon. Zhiwei is this guy from Chua Chu Kang Sec. His green uniform is of the same colour as the MI uniform. He was the first person I talked to yesterday, as I sat in the back of the hall. Well, and the other people in my group are... Chruki, Jonathan, Terence, Yeo Yoong (Jason), Charles (Yong Zhen), Pang Hao, Yong Chen, Joshua, Abraham, Joyce, Rachel... Yikes! The names... many more... I keep forgetting, causing people to frown upon me.

Sis was there as usual, and so we met the OG teacher, Chelvam, in a classroom. We cleared the lockers and the teacher said we could help ourselves to the files and books. Unfortunately, some Year 2 or 3 students took them away...

Today... nothing eventful. There was a cultural dance, followed by basketball, eliminator and soccer. I only went in the soccer field in the last few minutes and fell down twice. -_-'' Yeah, I know - STOP LAUGHING!

Orientation Day.

I was late for school today... -_- HAHAHA... I took a taxi and the fee was $16.00 - by the way, it had travelled 22.9km! The journey took me 31 mins... I guess this was due to the careless usage of the expressways... haha... me and my wrong directions... from ECP to PIE to AYE! The uncle in the cab was unfamiliar with the route, and thus I was unable to respond to his queries... -_-'''''

I arrived in school around 8.20AM. I could finally enter the gates... It looks bigger inside. Haha... Prison camp! I was directed to the hall... where I found all the students seated. I asked around for Orientation Group 12 after searching for my name on the namelists.

After what seemed like forever, I sat down in the back and marked my attendance. I gazed around, searching for Jonathan - my only friend and school-mate in this place. A performance was put up by the student leaders... Which I thought was a bit *ahem!* "matured". Yeah... Some laughed while others stared in silence? I gave applause anyway. I mean it. I was also filling in the form for choosing subject combination. So I laughed at whatever I thought was funny.

It turned out that Jonathan had arrived in school early. He was seated right in front... We soon followed our OG Leader out of the hall, whom we discover is a very friendly and cheerful girl known as Sis. Yes, and everyone I met later on gave this place a glimmer of hope...

There was a long period of lecturing. The principal, Mrs Ong, extending a warm welcome (saying that there would be learning during these 3 mths)... Followed by the HODs, introducing their subject combinations with Arts, Science and Commerce...

Next on the list was the icebreaker... which is 'blow wind blow' and I was the only one who had taken the forfeit... yes, chicken dance and whatever... I tried my best to do so. But apparently, no one laughed. Sometimes I just wish I could disappear completely...

"That there, that's not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey

I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here, I'm not here..."

- How To Disappear Completely. Radiohead, Kid A.

Hmm... These songs make you feel down and out... haha! Anyway... Break Time followed for an hour. The canteen was so !@# small! The lights and fans overhead were being switched on and off continuosly, as if they ran on a DC supply. The food was satisfactory. I ate fish, fish and rice for $1.50. Yeah, of course Jonathan regretted choosing the Malay food. The break followed a briefing by the OG Teacher... The Indian teacher wasn't friendly though. His hair was missing in the middle.

The scavenger hunt followed, causing me to contribute a pair of shoelaces, a bottle of liquid paper and a school badge... I almost lost my school badge in the process. There was some sort of "clapping activity" going on, yeah.

The worse part of the day came when everyone gathered for a mass dance. Yeah... you know, with a girl? I hate to say it, but I suck at dancing. Perhaps I was too tensed up. Perhaps I was tired. I just didn't want to screw up. This was probably the fourth girl I danced with in my life. I dunno how? Are there any good dancing tips? Yes, no, yes? How about: "let go"? Jonathan and another guy said I looked stressed. Sure, the girl complained about my sweaty palms... as always, when I am nervous. BOOHOO... I feel like a loser...

Woah! Millenia Institute.

I went to recce the place today. After breakfast, my father drove me, my grandmother and my mother to plan tomorrow's morning's route. In the car, we set off at 9.46 AM... The plan was to drop off my brother at camp around seven, then return to pick up me and my mother. Next, my mother would arrive at Cantoment bldg (her workplace) and my father would proceed to pick up his friend somewhere... I would be the next to alight... at Toh Tuck Campus.

The journey to Toh Tuck Campus took 35 minutes in good traffic conditions. When we reached the institute, I had half a mind to cry out... It was so pathetic! It was even smaller than my primary school! Not to mention Chung Cheng - I think it's the size of the lake!

Well. Too late now. No turning back. I see two basketball courts and a small... soccer court? All of us would be Packt Like Sardines In A Crushed Tin Can...

The whole place was just like a prison camp! Oh! I think I just don't like it. What could be worse? I'm giving it a chance! Hopefully the people I meet there would be friendly. THAT'S my last hope...

Holla 2004!

Pretty soon... it'll be the lunar new year... YAY!!

Looking back, 2003 has been a year of confusion... SARS... War In Iraq... Violence between the Israelis and Palestinians... G Bush's "whose side are you on policy"... Moreover, there's an uneasy feeling about closing the chapter on newly awakened fears about BSE (Mad Cow Disease).

Ah... What am I thinking! It's not the end of the story anyway. The Singapore-American FTA starts today. American imports will now be 100% duty-free. More of these "pressing" things, I think now as they come along... GST hikes to 5%!! I think I should have gone shopping before 2004!