September blues

Read the newspapers today. It is futile.. to ponder about life. All of us continue to seek meaning behind the purpose of our lives... It is not only a novel idea, but it makes life so much simpler for us, rather than understanding the complexities of 'how' and 'why'.

You can't be a conductor, a violinist, cellist, percussionist, singer, a doctor, priest, engineer, businessman, sportsman, politician, novelist... at any one time in life. Unless you're an actor.. but that's just play-acting, and not fulfilling the true job scope.

To be pragmatic, it is better to pick a few.

Life has its limits, you can't go on choosing a vocation forever... and that's why I've got to make a choice. Do I want to drift on through life my own way, or steer the ship by the wheel?

I've been staying away from the piano and the guitar. I ask myself why? At the same time, I asked myself if I wanted to perform in front of an audience... If I wanted take exams and raise my musical skills. But somehow, I don't know why I would want to do that. I'm unmotivated and lazy. No way!

But I love the music that I hear evey single day. It beckons me to try, to be just as good as the experienced players. I think it fulfills my other part of the soul and can play a role to the balance of energy.

I may even perform better at school, and be a happier person.

I wished that life was so much more. But do I have the guts to put myself to the challenge, and practise what I preach...?

That aside, I have decided to impress someone, to show that I'm not just a nobody, drifting through life. Yeah, as usual, I can't seem to swallow my pride.

I'm artistic.

STAIRWELL TO INFINITY (a bleak outlook on life)

IN THE ENCLOSED STAIRWELL, there are no windows, you can't tell day from night. Surrounded by walls, and locked in from the outside world, there is a sense of disorientation in all of its inhabitants. The key issue is, the inhabitants NEVER meet each other. You can only proceed in a vertical direction. Up or down? You begin to make your choices.

ASCENDING TOWARDS AN IMAGINARY HEAVEN? Or downwards into the murky depths of despair? There are cameras rigged up at the corner of every ceiling, every 2 turns on the flight of stairs. Who's watching? No one knows. Sometimes you find mysterious scratches on the wall, that look like symbols or even words. But no obvious sign that anyone was there.

IN THE BEGINNING, YOU TREAD CAREFULLY, worried about your safety, worried that you are not alone. Worried for trapdoors. Worried to wake that imagined creature resting deep below. You inhale and feel the cold air rising from the depths, smothering your lips. Sweat glistens on your forehead. You had it figured out before, this chamber was ventilated by thin plastic tubes in the walls, yet the air grows stale with each passing hour. On some days you find food lying around in the chamber. No insects are seen crawling about. You tap on the concrete walls to detect hollow areas. No, nothing. An echo sounds. You shout at the top of your voice until it grows hoarse. You knock until your knucles turn black, and they bleed.

You find tears rolling down your cheeks. What's there to cry for? Who will empathise with you? The situation you're in - a captive held for unknown purpose - warrants that you break down and cry. You starve for the entire day.

FOOD AND DRINK comes to you just when you needed it the most. It miraculously appears out of nowhere as you climb up to the next corner of the staircase. You decide to pull yourself together, and stop throwing kiddie tantrums or cry. You start to conserve your body moisture. Once, there was a blackout - all the lights on the ceilings went out. For a long while, you slept through it. When you woke up, a magnificent feast was laid before you. You ate well that day, for it was a banquet for the gods, and dreamt about imminent release from the tower. But not too long, you viewed it as a sadistic joke, for you were left to starve 2 days after. You start to pray and give thanks to the mysterious food...

(Author's analysis: up to here so far, it conveys the perspective of a caged animal, like how the hell does it feel to be one? How does it feel for a mature adult to lose all his social connections? In this fourth dimension... )

STUPID, but it took a while for you to mature and adjust. Obviously, you are in some perverse scientific experiment. You start to ration the last bits of food from every meal. 'They' are monitoring your progress. God knows who. You forgotten how you came here. Who tricked you into giving up your freedom?

FEARFUL of the monster in the deep, you chose to ascend the staircase. Some days, the air vents introduce clouds and fogged air, so you don't know how high up you are. Your senses are confused. It gets tiring...

Wrought with fatigue from climbing, you lose your way and go downwards instead. The light intensity is reduced to a dreadful low, and you wandered as if you are deep underground. The word here is 'Catacombs'. You wonder how's the world outside, and who locked you up in this colossal maze of undetermined length. When you find your way out of here, surely you must see it as a magnificent structure? A breakthrough in architecture... A neverending staircase?

FACED with the COLD, HARSH REALITY, you break down and cry. You starve, and to you, imminent death is such an omnious, frightful feeling. You treat each day with uncertainty. You dunno if you'd wake up tomorrow. There's nothing to look forward to in life. Absoluely true. You know this - in your blood, as you pluck out your hair to express the pain you feel inside. Your muscle aches as you continue your journey. Hunger pangs come to you.

You are done for. Mad. A raving lunatic! You are sure of it. You know this as you urinate on areas in the staircase, but find them disappearing with a returning glance. Surely, there's an end to the suffering in this staircase?

4 alternate endings...(for the believers and the non-believers, and the dreamers)

#1
Life fades out for you and you no longer exist. You now belong to a spirit in the walls of the tower. You see a new candidate being chosen for the experiment. You see how it is done. You're trapped in these walls forever, and you scream out in torment to your predecessors as you see them in the same sorry plight. In your eternal dream, you're still alive. You've returned as a test candidate somehow, and you don't realise it. Why do your memories of this place accumulate with each experience? With each passage of time here?

#2
God was watching you all the time. At the end of the stairwell, the Almighty has come to set you free. He rationalises the need to test people on varying degrees of faith. Many decide to give up halfway, but the ones who deeply believe will receive his greatest honour. The Almighty holds you up with a palm. Like a singing bird young and free, you grow wings and emerge out of the single, uppermost window of a tower to meet the day... With your wings outstretched, you flew on towards the heavens. You have passed the mandatory test requirement for becoming an angel.

#3 (a horrible sci-fi ending - Mature 18 rating: skip through to read at the next asterisk * )
One day, while you're hunting for food, the staircase suddenly gives way beneath you. Screaming forever, you plunge into the depths.

You find yourself sucked out of the structure into space.

Zero-gravity. At one with the universe.

It was cold out there. It felt as if you were falling forever into a bottomless pit... No, you musn't struggle.. and your ears don't hear a single thing.

For a moment, you felt so light and happy to meet the stars. You ignored the aching discomfort around your skull, limbs, all over... Yet, nothing else compares to the sight before you a view of the universe.. the stars shining brightly in the distance.. with too many to count... and others blinking at you. No human probably lived to see this.

As you spun around, you catch a glimpse of the disintegrating debris. You fought out the shivering cold, and suppressed the struggle within. Delirious, you felt someone reaching for you.. a loved one.. so comfortable in her arms.. heaven! In her embrace, you were suffocated while your lungs collapsed. In an instant, your soul leaves your physical form for the last time, and you chose to be happy in departure.

Meanwhile, the solitary lifeless body remains suspended in space, tossing and turning in between the stars.. making somersaults over distances. The body desiccates as volumes of air and fluids are spun out from within, causing a frozen, crystallised exterior to emerge... For a long time after you slipped out of consciousness, the remnants of your physical form were charred by a nearby star in a few seconds.

SO MUCH for God's private experiment... It was decided that it was time for the human dream of space colonisation to be realised. Hence, the Almighty tested out the best of human efforts to sustain life in space. Apparently, the gravitational field in the space station broke down, and the longest vessel (space station) in outer space disintegrated; when God turned his back to give attention to the existing problems on planet earth.

* * *

#4
PSYCHOLOGISTS are testing the performance of a batch of human clones strain #62U by assessing their intelligence and emotional responses to cope with long-term solitude in certain conditions. This study of human behaviour is a joint project between several developed nations and private companies. This investment aims to draw out the most conclusive findings on the subject of human behaviour. Months ago, a sizeable facility was designed and constructed entirely in cyberspace. Privileged visitors to the facility will report of the claustrophobia associated with movement around the narrow staircases. Unpleasant experiences felt by the clone are deleted and introduced with the safest techniques in cyberbrain engineering...

Remember the basic techniques of primitive networking? One may enchance his/her networking experience using an internet browser, by clicking on what was known as the 'refresh' button. In a similar fashion, any unpleasant emotional experiences encountered during your stay there will be deleted by the server itself...

The scientists hope that this would prove a safe haven for human strains with a long-life span, to help them get through old-age retirement and health syndromes. It has been popular opinion that this could help lighten the societal responsibility of towards care-giving for the aged.

Alternatively, it could be exploited for realistic issues such as containing dangerous criminals, or providing humane avenues to execute criminals... This would help rid society of another burden.

* * *

NOTE:
This ficticious passage was inspired by many wanderings up and down the creepy staircase of Temasek Polytechnic Library.

Ending #1 was inspired by Final Fantasy VII, the Gaia theory. It deals with mystical beliefs.

(Religions are the product of man's imagination... infatuation with the mystical and phenomenal, will ultimately lead us to develop reason, and our own unprovable theories. How can there be such a thing as 'unquestionable truth' when all the truth we cherish in our modern world right now, are theories handed over the centuries from our forefathers? Our minds work like fluid, and as a collective society, we treasure beliefs; things that are commonly accepted, and will continue thus to be accepted, necessary for the continual existence of mankind.)

9 to 5 till I'm 95?

Dun get a Job. It sucks the marrow out of life. Every single drop of blood that you have will be used to grow money (yours and other people's), the root of all evil. Now that you realise how expendable you are in society, where's your noble purpose in being born into this world? =(

My father is now working as a taxi cab driver. Taxis are rented from the cab company. You'd have to work in a partnership to maximise profits, and leisure time. He works the morning shifts. Apparently, he complains that the working conditions are tough. He has to work 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was much worse than my experience @ McDonalds. Sitting in a cab all day long means immobilisation, causing his backside to hurt much. It's a dog's life!

The old generation wants to complain to the government. WTF. Dun just think about the young as the ultimate source of new ideas. The old are deep troughs of wisdom.

So what would happen when MY GENERATION gets old? A new generation of leaders take over, and we see the same thing happening again. Late retirement age - but no chance of getting another job if you're retrenched/fired, when you're above 50. Because people think you're too old, and young people can be molded. Because they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...

So WTF, is that bad policy or what? Let's bring down the government.

I read the news today, oh boy. It seems that more and more blogs are being dealt with for writing inflammatory remarks. They are currently centred on racist remarks, but lets hope it doesn't go further, and regard every domestic complaint as treason. Where would be our freedom of speech? Big brother is watching.

Suddenly, I recall the movie Animal Farm...

"ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL... but SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS."

* * *

Back to teen angst...

I have this friend in Temasek Poly that I cherish a lot. I thought we hit off well in the beginning. Well, we're always talking to each other on the bus, on the way home. We live near each other. But well, she seems to think otherwise. When the holidays come, I just get ignored. Ignored. and ignored... (play LINKIN PARK song!!)

In the previous term holiday, I've suggested, 'how about we go out and have fun' - since it ain't fun ghosting about the streets alone anymore. Well, it seems that she's not interested in hanging out with me, because she'd rather be with her other friends. Or like Hideki (Chobits) would say, "she probably thinks I'm a pervert". =)

What's this? I thought we were friends. At least, reserve some time for me? Even though we're of opposite sex, we could at least be good friends with each other. But apparently, our interests diverge. Because you seem to be the only friend I can count on, and maybe, share problems with. She was the first real friend I made in TP.

Well... that's tough! I'm listening to find ways to disappear completely, since the world is such a cruel place. So where do I find friends nowadays? I'm suppressing the impulse to talk to strangers, a rather complex issue, I thought. How many people would answer you? What did I think this was? IRC? The real world had its limits...

But I can't help it sometimes. I see students in Chung Cheng High School Main uniform, and I try very hard to shut up. Damn. Those were the days. I miss my misspent days in Secondary School. Instead of studying alone, I could have been flirting around, scoring goals, and making the most of life.

This is my cartoon:
But well, here I am.
Half the road left behind,
mountains to scale up ahead.

A ten foot truck roars past,
and the occupants inside make fun of me;
"Yo.. loserrr!"
They laugh and kick up the dust as they disappear into the distance

Looks like I can draw out a spongebob movie.

Waiting for someone to wake me up!

The time has now come for radical change. I'm not happy where I am, and that's MY problem. Perhaps we never get satisfied with what each of us have: there would always be room for improvement...

I'm at POINT A and I'm waiting to travel to POINT B. Just that I got stuck on the bus with tv mobile, and dammit, it seriously screws me up. How many times can the ads repeat themselves? Freaking operator. Every 10 mins Men In Black are back... LOST - guys... where are we? Ajisen dining...

I wish I had a filter for useless knowledge... If only we had cybernetic brains... like Ghost in the Shell. Then, I can configure mine to erase the unnecessary information. Heck. That's idealistic.

We never get satisfied with our time on earth; so how long do we have? The hols..

I'm as backward as the Soviet Union. Recently I discovered I know nuts about Jap anime and manga. Okay, I'm obviously lying. I've watched Chobits, Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex, Full Metal Alchemist, Full Metal Panic... Still recovering from the comic character Hideki; he's a pervert and all other characters say he's a good man. Well, that solves it - perverts can be kind in nature. Help me - the pop culture shared among young people these days are so diversified, it's hard to predict what would become the next topic of conversation (because I ain't very streetsmart).

And guitar; I haven't picked it up since.. no, I can't bring myself to play the songs.

The tv-watchers??? (Now, I don't believe anyone out there watches 'Heartlanders'; simply because it looks so 'been there, done that'. 'Full circle' - I'll yawn to all singapore documentaries). Singaporean tv ain't good anymore.

The past few days, besides watching Chobits, I watched Animal Farm, Final Fantasy VII, Les Choristes. Pretty much a couch potato eh? Well I swam this afternoon and got sunburnt.

Nowadays you dunno what people are talking about... You're a ghost on the internet... forums. Be proactive... haunt; or walk the streets. I've discovered that I've been living life inside a bubble. My social circle is caving in. Hahaha. What nonsense. May be denial.

I'm a failure at everything I do, where have I succeeded? I need countless of affirmations to keep my engine running; or at least, stop putting myself down. Argh. I hate to admit it, but recently, there has been a lack of 'peer support'... I dunno where my friends are. *listens to depressing Radiohead songs* YEAH. I'M JUST UPTIGHT... Back from 1997. I was still in primary school singing... J/K

Come to think of it, I have stagnated, due to my reluctance to accept new ideas. Damn, my conservative nature prevents me from adapting to social circumstances! Take for example, I now think that most pop music is worthless. I reject everything with prejudice, except RH and Coldplay. Songs from the last century... Damn, I suck. I'm growing mosquitoes...

I'm preparing to go for training at the ice cream factory. Why does the sense of trepidation appear when I decide to round the corner? Looks like a blind corner to me.

Obviously, this has to be the most messed-up post in my blog. I doubt people still have interest in a failure. I'm a dead end.

SEX (and reproduction)

Dr Jason Chang was making a funny statement in lecture this morning (24/8), giving me a kick-start to funny ideas:

"The A in apurinic means - no purine... just like Asexual reproduction = no sex... (pauses) uh.. nonono... just because I said no sex, I've got this whole bunch of teenagers half-awake now waking up."

Hilarious. =)

No sex = no life?

Westerners seem to get on with sex all the time (and see what they get: Sexually transmitted dses. Herpes Simplex Virus, Human Papilloma Virus, AIDs, Hepatitis B,) Now, this may be my ethnocentric view of them - they don't practise abstinence (as influenced by hollywood).

On the other extreme, in our normally conservative Singaporean society, adults don't talk openly about sex (except bloggers like Xia Xue, new age deviants/ sexually deprived teens). Imagine the likelihood of 2 people of different genders discussing over the issue seriously, without squirming in discomfort; or light-heartedly; making small jokes over a cup of tea or laughing all over the couch in a talk show. I would say, unlikely - due to body consciousness among both genders.

In Malaysia, measures are being introduced to prevent off-colour jokes, obscene hand signals, vulgarities, sexual harassment, from polluting the workplace environment. However, it was stressed that an open discussion of sex during meetings, and shaking hands were deemed to be okay.

Currently, our society is having 'livestrong' bands, and teens swearing oaths of "no sex, before marriage". I wonder how many would live by that oath.

Firstly, all living things know that sex (reproduction) is neccesary for the continual introduction of species into 'the game'. Fluctuations in the genetic stock are experienced all the time (mutants with extra / messed up DNA). Evolution is a theory that implies, we are improving all the time, adapting to environmental conditions. But one fundamental question remains to be addressed in Darwin's theory: accelerating towards what end? We can only begin to speculate.

MY THOUGHTS:
Who the hell's playing us around? Are we in a genetic experiment? (God Emperor of Dune / 'The Island'.. never watched the movie, but may be similar) Is there limited time for the human race? (concept of Apocalypse) What's existence more than a big game? How do we know that life goes on in us after we're gone? How do we know that our religions teach us truth, and are not brainwashing us all the time, the social bodies growing power in membership? How much truth can we argue about over a religion?

MY QUESTIONS:
How does a pig know that he is being raised for ham and pork sausages?
How does a hen know that her life would be one of monotony, in a chicken coop?
How does a dog know that he will forever be a domesticated slave?
How does a chimpanzee knows he is being kept alive for an experiment?
Why do bacterial E. Coli colonies keep growing on a batch culture, if they know that nutrients will be exhausted, and time would run out for them, literally killed by their own excrement?
How does a human know when the end of life will come? 46... unsolvable! (coincidently, the # of human chromosomes)

Truth is, they don't know (functionalist perspective: why would they need to know?) This facilitates our power and continual exploitation over them. Unless you put it nicely, as top predators, we provide protection over these lesser beings from other predators... (their awareness of their plight might make them depressed, give them no reason to live, or they might rebel against the system - conflict perspective).

I started thinking about how the possible fates in life development narrow as time passes, relating to what I've learnt from Cell Biology.

"From the first line of the first page, to the end of the last page..."

a nice lyric by Coldplay.

Optimists in this life often see life as the road to infinity (infinite possibilites). In God Emperor of Dune, Moneo keeps looking on to Lord Leto for instructions. He has already lost all direction in his life. So if you were a Christian, would you believe in everything that your religion advocates? Or would you only pick and apply principles to your life that you agree with? I believe that religions do teach good stuff, designing various lifestyles/ philosophies to live by. They are cultures. And cultures must adapt to times, so as to prevent the erosion of societal values (cultural-leveling) and culture-shocks within a given population.

The theory of biogenesis states that all beings are created by god. This can be exemplified by a game of 'Monopoly'. God decides which players are in, which are out, what the moves are, by 'randomly' manipulating throwing dice. However, there's no way we can see god. God would be the 'top predator' if he does actively participate in our system. There's no way to find out, and no reason to speculate.

From a sociological perspective, we are part of a larger society (sociobiology, perhaps). Humans practise abstinence, because we are at the top of the food chain (we only get murdered by one another). Animals mate and reproduce all the time, in the wild, fighting for their territory and mating privileges. Cause if they don't, we'd all be vegetarians; or indirectly, there would be too high a level of oxygen on earth (because the growth of plants are not checked by herbivores); and the latter, carnivores in the food chain.

* * *

Basically, sex (male/female) is really just a label for us to identify with whilst we play 'the game'. Gender roles are society's form of order. Why do you think Muslim women are so disadvantaged (the fuss of wearing a tudung (headscarf/veils) all the time - although) in contrast to men? Certain measures are put in place to strike a balance in society (not egalitarian, but to achieve functionality). Put it this way, I speculate it is some form of social control. Women in modern societies have to doll up their faces, maintain their shapely bodies; while some men can look shit and scold vulgarities. This is clearly 'unfair'.

Why are women at a comparative disadvantage and demand for women's rights all the time? From young, they are socialised to their gender roles, until we have recently introduced new forms of culture (ie. meritocracy), such that women can achieve the same status in society... In our fair Singaporean society, women are protected by the law. Damsels may shout molest in public places, making heads turn; or in divorces, women would get custody of children, and a higher amount of compensation as compared to males. Concerning education, women get into universities 2 years earlier than their male counterparts which serve mandatory NS.

They are not just set rules of engagement in 'the game'. They may act to influence our body consciousness, our behaviour and interaction in society.

* * *

[Symbolism : The obvious reason why Coldplay's new album was named X & Y was because Males have the XY chromosome, and Coldplay is a fully male band. Presenting a view from a feminist perspective, Coldplay are trying to emphasise their male superiority (see following post).] In another sense, fertilisation: X + Y (gametes) -> Z (zygote)

Scientific knowledge has opened up new frontiers for human asexual reproduction - clones. The main concerns - think about it - if cloning procedures were made readily available to the public, we might just exhaust our wealth of natural resources on earth, just like E. coli in a batch culture; unless nutrients are continually being replenished.

There has got to be some control over the population. If God is present, we will be punished. If we deal out punishment amongst ourselves, we risk more reckless killing in dense, compact, overcrowded populations (US school shootings). Bacteria may synthesise antibiotics in a closed culture system; while we take up firearms and promote barbaric behaviour. (Ask yourself: what happens in a war? Other than computer simulations, it can't be too good in reality. There is too much anger, sadness, shame, and human pain (deaths) to bear and the effects will last for generations.)

* * *

As our storehouse of knowledge grows day by day, we seek to make sense of disparate facts; assembling pieces of information-jigsaw together, and apply them to explain the phenomenal daily life. In my opinion, if I don't put what I've learnt into practice as a student, I will not be fully utilising my available resources. In short, let me make my amateur analysis!!

Personally, I've came up with a new attitude towards life:
Life is not worth living, until you've discovered a dream worth living for.

Sea breeze

This morning, I was jogging along East Coast Beach... when I saw a beautiful girl. Haha! J/K.

Tired with plodding on, I chanced upon a spot on the beach that was heavily eroded by the waves. East Coast Park (Marine Parade) is a destructive beach. That's why it's so clean all the time - all the trash gets washed out to the sea. The gradient of Singapore beaches are steep (that's why surfing and surf boards are not applicable here), and that's why the eddies form below the water and draw sand, sort of undercutting our coast.

* Here's a free visualisation exercise =)
I saw a small round outcrop of green grass above the sand. It was supported by roots of the mangrove tree, like an island on its own, separated from the rest of the land. I ventured across the gap, to stand above it. The mangrove roots were protruding from the edges

As my heart rate slowed to normal, I listened to the rhythm of the crashing waves. The breeze soothed my feelings. The sunlight was warm and the weather was cool. What a view! I could see the ships docked far away, and the sides of the beach. A coconut rolled along the sand as the waves crashed around it.

I turned around to examine the beach. People had pitched small tents around this area. I saw a grandmother rise up from the nearest tent. I looked at the natural colours, of lines layering the layers of rock.

I stood there for 15 minutes, arms folded like Sir Stamford Raffles. Perspiration evapourated from my skin.

I tried my hand at recalling geography - so is it a sea breeze or land breeze? I determined which direction the wind was blowing - it was from the sea to the land. Hence it was a sea breeze.

(1) During the day, sunlight shines and land heats up faster than the sea.
(2) Hot air above the land rises directly (by conduction of heat) as land gets heated up, forming an area of low air pressure.
(3) Whereas seawater heats up slower (experiences underwater convection currents), and cooler air above the sea sinks, forming an area of high air pressure.
(4) Since air moves from an area of higher air pressure to an area of lower air pressure, wind blows from the sea to the land, just like an energy (pressure) gradient.

The above paragraph was for personal interest only, and for anyone who might want to know. Not show-off lah!

Imagine.. (analogies.)

**I lost this long post i made. So I'm re-typing it. =(

* * * (10/9)
Well, went to the SUNTEC National Healthy Lifestyle Campaign exhibit today. Went to ask around the various booths.

Chanced upon some upper body stretches that can be used for choir physical warm-ups (in fact, they should be done regularly, as much as 3 times a day). Neck rotation (clockwise/anticlockwise) was found to be counterproductive - may cause injury, so next time I'm not going to use it. Neck stretching relaxes the scalpular muscles (recommended to hold in position for 5s intervals). Upper Trapezius stretch involves tilting your head 45 degrees downwards to look at the sides.

In fact, these simples exercises actually sort of prevent the discs on the upper spinal cord (vertebra) from being compressed, in such a way that may result in the nerves sandwiched in between from degenerating - thanks to the explanation by the Neuroscience institute staff. Far from trying to impress them as a know-it-all FPATH student, I discovered the things I didn't understand. Lung cancer, followed by colorectal cancer, liver ca, lymphoma ca are more likely to occur in males in our population. Females are more susceptible to breast ca & osteoporosis...

Besides the free 'body fat' checkup, (which uses expensive new equipment) I also gained a lot of knowledge of pathology (but let's not discuss about that here). It turns out that some of the hospitals in Singapore were specialised (Tan Tock Seng travel clinic having the most variety of vaccinations; or so they said).

I visited the booth at Institute of Mental Health, promoting their 'Sayang Wellness Centre'. I inquired with the staff over 'burnout' and stuff, since the booth appears to be the most deserted (no freebies). It turns out that a large proportion of mental patients suffer from Stress and Depression. It was said that NUS lecturers go there for therapy. Mental patients come from you and me. Prevention was going for therapy (but that's their side of the story).

Well, I got away with a yellow Cellulite wristband. I also bought a "Where is the fat" cookbook, written by dieticians and nutritionalists of SGH. I was intrigued by using kikkoman soy sos, saki, teryaki sauce (boiled brown sugar, ginger, and onions) to cook teriyaki chicken. I'm intending on brushing up my cooking skills this holiday. No more wasting away.

* * * (10/11)
I was writing something about, imagining I was an E. Coli cell that divides every 20 mins (like agent smith. would that be cool or what?)

Regret

Stricken with regret. I am an old man.

Well, once you've had these feelings, you will be feeling damn tired.


I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe the air-con temperature was adjusted too high. I'm going to have insommnia. After all the 'mugging' and all. Frankly speaking, I dun even call it studying. It's just daydreaming sometimes. If I had electrodes attached to my brain to show any unusual activity of brainwaves, it's in lala-land. Well, (insert bad word here) it, why can't we all study when the time arises? Why can't we be prepared for an emergency? How can we be so susceptible to environmental fluctuations? Like the chinese saying goes: wind blows, stirring grass. We're not E. coli in a culture medium, but we are living things.

Here I go spouting nonsense again; this ain't gonna help one bit.

I hope next time I could settle down and study, and dun just stone away in lala-land.

***

After all my exams, I went straight home. I knew I was doing a stupid thing. It was last min studying. I had to use the hints from the lecturers, but it turned out that the ones that I did study, did not appear on the exam script. My stamina for exams was extremely low. 10 mins into the exam and I'm already stressed up. I thought I had survived the tests, hence I would survive the exams. I was wrong. I

I came in the exam hall last min (I'm going to break this new habit). Next time, my planning would have to be day by day, instead of doing 'random/chance' studying - this would help me allocate time for each subject. And give myself some time to relax instead.

I don't want to rattle on on how much I've thought about studying, since I was never a good example of exam-readiness. I suck at it. My GPA is stagnant at 2.7. I'm hoping it doesn't drop any further.

Heaven is to steer. Hell is to drift.

I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again I will not study last minute again

I've been taking the game too seriously...


things at face value...


I thought I didn't know where I was going...


I thought I didn't know how far I was gone.


BRAIN - CLEAR UP.

Life is not a game. It's what it is.