All I ever wanted

... was just 'some commitment' in myself, to stick to the track I carved out for myself.

And I can't believe I'm crawling here & there, miniscule, going the wrong way, getting lost in the towering mounds of soil. Like an earthworm rolling in a mudpath.

I think I must have betrayed myself in many ways. No way for me to be 'pure' anymore.

My inner child, protect me from my adult self... That which screams hate and distrust at anything, and anyone I see. No. I have a confused identity now. Hurt? Do I feel that? I'm nothing. Why should I feel hurt? Emotions gone awry.

Tell me who I am? No one around me can help me with this. Self-hypnosis, brainwash yourself, bombard with positive feelings everyday, awake in the morning with an aura of energy.

And die out feebly when the night comes...

Jason, I believe in your words more than ever. It's up to 'me' to 'complete the sacrifice'. The 'selfless' me. If the world is but a ball of clay, let us plunge our hands into the ball and shape it into whatever we desire; after all, no pain, no gain.

* *

This lack of communication from you is killing me inside. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to break the silence. I'm not sure whether I'm still depressed. I got myself into this shit in the first place. I'm so pathetic... pathetic, pathetic!

* *

God, let me become an angel soon, I want to help others who feel the same way, let alone others who can't begin to help themselves, who are in a worse plight than me. Let's make the world a happier place. (Well, if I can't make the top anyway...)

Yes. Based on my speculations, God exists within me, as a product of my imagination. Its all in the mind. Same as my imagined fears - the concept of divine being was acquired by 'thought'. It was designed in order to enforce social order. To fight my fears, to keep the rich from sucking the poor dry, to banish slavery, to instil conformity, to appreciate life... etc.