Monday, October 31, 2005

Feeble attempts at an Entry.

I think I've had it. My latest thoughts. I've not been experimenting throughout life, trying to discover what it holds for me; but instead, I formulated many groundless theories based on weak assumptions... Throwing excessive caution against the wind; like timid grass hiding under an upturned rock. I hate the sense of no-direction I feel at times. And no one to guide me along, it's a wonder I remain a free-thinker (not interested in religions either). No wonder, lately I feel that I've been wandering like a lost soul... (kEane : Everybody's changing)

Though I bet everyone (some teenagers around my age) feels the same: I'm not an isolated case.

Youth has come and gone too soon! What are the things I'd like to do before I'm eighteen?

The memory of being onstage and singing that dreadful song suddenly appears in my mind. Not that I'd think about it these days. I've given up all thought on a singing carreer. I can't stand being pretentious anymore... standing onstage and singing songs about the same things. I don't think I'm cut out to be an entertainer. =)

A long period of inactivity brings about unrest and depression. Taking away your leisure time can mean taking away your soul... My studies; rob me of my soul? I haven't been enjoying them much as I thought I would. The usual... lack of concentration.

Depression results from not using your brain actively at tasks you enjoy. It's wasting away in a room without windows. Never touching sunlight, never feeling the warmth of kind word from a friend. The worst thing is when you shut yourself in and prepare to die. The clocks stop and dust settles unto to floor.

Many thanks to a friend who helped (in a sort of way) to keep these maddening thoughts at bay. Strange how new wisdom can be derived from reading funny books like Harry Potter... =) See you on MSN.

Set out in their imaginary world, Rowling does a terrific job of conjuring up impressive stories set around a growing boy.

*Checks time - 35 mins have elapsed.*

Ok. back to reading. =)

Friday, October 28, 2005

My dementors (demons).

Yesterday, I woke up at 4 AM in the morning, and I could not get myself back to sleep. Then I went to read Harry Potter - Prisoner of Azkaban. I've been thinking about things I wonder I ought to think about... Because those questions are so personal, they can't be revealed here in any fashion.

It will be mediocre stuff to all. Like, how come people have already read Harry Potter, watched the latest anime, while I chose not to believe in such stuff as a waste of time. I could think of the excuses that go along the lines of "too busy..." but that wouldn't explain my grades. Now I feel cornered by peer pressure. I feel a growing sense of inferiority when I compare myself to those around me. I seem to shrink into the size of a tiny mothball, and repel the smelliest cockroach. Then the next day, I spent a day floating around in reality, almost posting an entry about, "What is love?" when I stopped myself in the last minute.

People like me don't deserve love. We are self-loathing in our own right. We steal energy from others. We are slaves to the society, only to be manipulated and used throughout life. People who deprive themselves of the means to become successful, partly due to lack of self-confidence, life chances, or unfortunate circumstances.
(here I see for myself that my thoughts have made a cynical turn)

I swear I'm suffering from mild depression, and I doubt I can express positive confidence for 10 hours in a day. I'm troubling myself with things that take a toll on my energy. I can't believe how much I don't understand of myself. I can't believe I get overwhelmed by frustrations, so many times in a day. Life is a wreck, and I look heading for nervous breakdown. I'm not exaggerating, I tell you...

I need some goddamn distraction.

And yesterday, I quarrelled with my brother. I can't stand how he can express his anger unto others, behave in such a haphazard way to the family he should love and respect. I can't stand his normal behavior, to me or my parents, and I remembered I shouted at him to "GO TO HELL..." He really pissed me off, by thinking that he could mutiliate other people's property (he forcefully smashed a container of Aloe vera gel on the floor, breaking the cap) to vent his anger, and think he could get away with it. He's like a little child.

We don't talk normally like angelic siblings on TV. Everyday experiences I tolerate, such as his tauntings to go into a fight. He would throw punches in the air around me, kicking around with a menacing stare... At dinner, he would be most noisy, and exhibit boorish, contemptible behaviour on the table. He had forgotten how 2 years ago, I'd chosen to ignore him with silent treatment for a year - for a fight he enticed, ending up with him giving me a kick in the stomach... but I received pain around my groin instead. Clearly. The world was made this way, unfair, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Subsequently, during the cold war, it felt like the end of the world. I had to glare at him whenever he was around. Give a sullen look at the dining table. Because he never sincerely apologised for what he did, and whether he was going to be the same way the next day. But at the same time, there was no one I could talk to; my infectious mood of a boiling kettle had spread to my daily behaviour too. I had no permanent friends I could keep in contact with in my secondary school. As my social circle closed down on me, I had no mood throughout my O'Levels, Sec 3 and 4. No emotional support from busy parents, and nothing to look forward to.

Somebody rid me of my brother for God's sake! People in choir probably noted my lack of concentration yesterday, when the practice started intitially. My voice was hoarse from shouting. I apologise. In no way was I showing my attitude towards Joel.

What's escapism?
Spending too much time thinking, and not making any action.

Hoping the world would slow down for me. Hopeful that I can increase my vocabularly and pursue a career in the literary arts. -.- Hopeful that I can understand, I'm not as retarded as I think I am. Hopeful that people will make allowances, and give me some space to breathe, so I don't need to be so frustrated with myself all the time. Hopeful that I can immerse myself in reliable friendships to help me through my tough times.

And what's wishful thinking? That's asking too much.

*
This blog is turning out more to be a diary than any communication tool. I am so shy; I bet, people just come in here and feel embarrassed at all the private thoughts I'm revealing. Maybe, I'll frighten them away and they'll never come back. =) There ain't no room for Macho-ism here. Maybe not just yet. Someday, when I'm stronger.
*

Actually, the advantage of blog is that it gives me time to think and voice out things I think I've missed out. I'm unsure of my own opinions, until I've heard others, and gathered sufficient data. A catalyst for bringing out what I've always thought about.

I would leave this blog for awhile, until my mood gets better. You don't know how much time I have to spend to cough out some content. And I don't entertain people with it anyway. Damn. It's depressing.

Thinking about what reuben commented about God Emperor last night kept me thinking. Well, so the Tyrant's Golden Path forcing evolution by stifling the population... In my opinion, it's a fascinating tale. So fascinating that I just passed it like a train roaring across the landscape of a countryside. -_- I didn't remember the underlying moral behind the story. But I liked the characters pretty well.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Dinner?

(Currently reading: Heretics of Dune) "We go with god!... God will judge us in this hour!..." Religious fanaticism...

I doubt my skills to hold a decent conversation over dinner.

I don't know the subject of matter, and of course I refuse to speak. Waiting for an opening in the subject, I gotta be a genius to identify all those points. Or you'd say, needs more practice.

And for all those who don't know, I have a damn quiet personality no one would touch... akin to a hedgehog armed with spikes. Almost a psychopath.

As usual, after this remonstrance, I have to reassure myself, and put on a new facade.

Perhaps, I need to fall in love with my dinner companions, or I just need to fall in love with myself.

I feel I'm caught again, in the larger scheme of things. Lost again. (pre-emptory measure... to seize control of my life)

Ah! I just want to go along the line of NERD... Scholar... Why ain't it possible?

It just requires practise.

With no one to talk to, the contents in my blog are true. No more denial. Sad sad me.

Admit thy mistakes, and move on to correct them! *slaps thyself*

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Of all the days...

Waiting for the bus. alone.
felt like 'why the hell do I put up with this shit'? All along.

After attending a what-you-call-it...
And experiencing a you-know-what...

Thoughts raced thru my brain. It just wasn't me at that time, living between the shadow of my eyes. It wasn't me living within this skull. For I was fed destructive thoughts by the minute.

I want to quit. I want to be somewhere where I'd be valued and not abused. Sheesh...

Days I wished would come to an end... wish that humankind will come to a sudden painless end. not just me.

This gives me a headache.

Waiting for the bus is a test of patience. How many times do you have to wait for one in your life? Then on the bus, life seems to go smoother, and races before your eyes.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Thoughts on The Pianist (2002)

After watching the horror movie, The Pianist Szpilman running around the warzone, bullets racing after him, and escaping from flamethrowers, I had an uneasy feeling in the stomach.

I want to forget, as if none of this ever happened. Unfortunately, this is not a shock film, but part of world history. It showcases the madness brought on by war - the soldiers behave barbarically.

* 'Soldiers' are a bad word in the context of peace. It was philosophically addressed in God Emperor of Dune that Males generally could never fully appreciate the value of human life, as they can NEVER get pregnant, or witness the birth of life within themselves... Females are a better choice as they have an intrinsic ability to build rapport among the civillian populace. *

To demonstrate the Nazis' blatant disregard for human life: (1) a young Nazi officer executes Jews as they lay pinned face down on the floor one by one. (2) Nazis interrupt a family's last dinner in the Warsaw Ghetto, and subsequently kills all of them, lifting a wheelchair-bound grandparent over a balcony, shooting them as they run down the street. (3) A sealed train filled with screaming Jews departs to hell... luckily enough, they didn't show any Mass burial/ gas chamber, or I'm going to get sick. THE HORROR.

Apparently the Jews, as a minority race, could do nothing to stop their treatment. They had put up little resistance, as it was all too late.

I wonder if Asians can relate to this Western film? In WWII, closer to home, we have the Sook Ching Op. (Changi beach, Jap firing squad and the Chinese), but the Nazi Genocide was simply blown out of proportions.

I often wondered what happened in my early childhood, to make me inspired by war and action films. Probably by the little green toy soldier figures, 'GI Joe' cartoons, some action films, and playing computer games that are so-called 'Real-time strategy' or Counterstrike... Forget it boys, war is a terrible thing. Propaganda such as caricature portraying the enemies as 'evil', monsters or less than human, makes them more 'killable' and just spurs you on to commit evil acts that would give you nightmares (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) for the rest of your life. I think I'd understand why some people oppose war so much, to the extent of refusing to enlist in NS. When you take your position as sniper, would you even flinch as you pull the trigger? The sound of gunfire is probably the most sick/cruel noise in the world.

Perhaps I am fortunate enough to be born in peaceful times, but how peaceful can it get, when half the world lives in the fear of terrorism? A second Bali bombing... Well, it's hard to explain these things.

There has to be more sensibilities in our age, about the diverse cultures around the world. Maybe the treatment of Jews during WWII warrant the need for human rights in the modern world. These are the lessons that should be brought home from history. Probably, I could increase my understanding of these by watching 'Band of Brothers'.