Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Loosing some angst

zhaong hates quarrelsome people~! :@ -> ie. J.S.W.K.

People have their limits. Stop pushing me around. Fuck off.

A relationship trapped in constant conflict, without resolution is not the way to go. I see it as exploitative, and detrimental to my mental health.

It's a wonder I didn't listen to some of my friends. I wonder if I can handle this strain (absorbing all the insults you have given me) on my own in a Zen meditative state, sieving through this residual crap of unconstructive criticism, distasteful behaviour, and phoniness, in exchange for the unrecognisable truth.

You're a goddamn phony, you. You may be clever, cursing lecturers behind their back, with your string of vulgarities. Your all-mighty, declaring you could make use of me. {I will not be patronised!} Your boorish behaviour puts you in the category of people I would avoid. Not all boorish people are bad - at least some are kind, and some repent. You are beyond redemption, or my help.

You place value in materialistic things. Damn you. I don't think so highly of people like you. You've drifted so far apart from my initial assumptions about you. Good luck. Chase your own material dreams if you want.

All you care about, is yourself.

Continue to piss me off, if it amuses you. But you will not be entertained further.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Can't sleep

I'm being troubled by a host of thoughts again. A legion of voices clamour in my head, "hear me, hear me..." I will hear you one at a time. Please, just leave me alone.

Images and memories... Regrets and flashes of conversation, fill my mind like a bubble waiting to burst.

These feelings of inadequacy.. they are really unjustified.

Caffeine overdose.. from tea? Once it's past twelve, I really need sleeping pills.

Melatonin please.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

I reflected upon your blog entry, if you pop by here by any chance...

Kenny has a way of expressing himself, that I'm envious of. If only my family background wasn't so conservative, I bet I'll be a different person altogether. But I'm not complaining. I have come thus far, but I'm still capable of differentiation.

The primary cause for me adopting this 'nerdy' persona, would be because I'm obedient, and thus ingrained with a coat of ethics in manhood my father nagged - and nagged - since a young age. And perhaps the Bookworm Club stressed the lesson 'Knowledge is power', once too many. They would visit my primary school often to sell their books, and influence all the kids to become wanna-be Edisons. --//

You know I had a typical 'Christmas Carol' dream when I was young (maybe 10 years or so). Maybe it was because I watched the movies, read the book, or watched that TV Drama Serial about doing good because you're forced to.

I dreamt I was going to die soon. And I better chalk up on my karma. Santa's not giving me anymore presents. So I better be a good boy and behave... Oh that crap sorta fused into my mentality, since I think a lot, and go on a lot of mind escapades of the non-logical kind.

Well. This entry draws to a close.

At least I won't be thought of as a hypocrite anymore.

I'm at peace with myself.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tuesdays with Morrie

the book discussion today was fulfilling. It was a pity that most people were @ home watching World Cup.

Filter out the incoherent thoughts... pressure release...

*snore*

STOP - and reflect.

The book discussion today was INDEED worth my time. I made a great friend today, named Suet Feng. We viewed part of the movie based on the book... which I think was not that great as compared to the simplicity of the book, in which the facts were lain out in front of you for analysis.

She was a brave listener, and suffered hearing my array of disparate thoughts. As shown by Morrie Schwartz, I think time is the greatest courtesy (you have given me) we can bestow on people - although it's wicked to take other people's time for granted. I would attend these book discussions to explore more of other people's perspectives.

I figured out, like Morrie said philosophically, friends do not need to be discriminated by age, or appearance.

However, in most living creatures, they have this 'compatibility analysis' complex (something I coined). In which one sizes up the other... Is this person good enough to be my friend? Is he a threat/obstacle to my ambitions? Is he handsome enough, pleasant mannered, what benefits can I obtain by keeping his friendship... Is he wasting my time?

*oops... not a cynical view, but just probing scientifically with blunt, objective, and analytical questions*

Or take a look at racial discrimination, or the practice of vivisection. Why do we see animals as low-lives, when they do suffer pain and torment? No wonder God tortures us everyday, for what we've done (a cool spiritual thought) to those down the evolutionary ladder... This is just a prime example of the 'incompatibility complex'.

Then we must cross this uncomfortable incompatibility barrier which exists throughout the universe. Virtual space. The inert line that acts as a barrier between attraction and repulsion... After that, we are subjected to variables that exist in the four dimensions.

Oops. this influx of 'chim' thoughts is driving me crazy... by the urge to explain simple phenomena which we take for granted everyday...


Let's put it in a simplistic, human way. After all, I am Zhong Hao...

I m de new friend tod y...
crzy crzy... where's the a?

some crzy thoughts I have.

Monday, June 19, 2006

This morning I spent much of my time bumming about... I tried to find the LOTR's E-book collection online, but failed to succeed.

doo-n-doo do wah ~ t?

Just practised what I learnt from the choir's latest song, Big Spender, using Noteworthy to key in the first two bars. I want the rhythm to sink in my head. It took some time, but I understood the counting process. Count in the head.

It sounds like I'm a damn noob... But I ain't very clever. It's simple 4/4 timing... damn easy lo.. If my maths was good, I could tell str~ away, by dividing the 4 counts into 8 counts.

* Process :
Divide the content of a bar into it's constituent count units (ie. quarters).
Further divide the count units into halves (eg. 1+ 2+ 3+ 4+) - simplifying if possible.

I also tried playing the notes on the guitar.. Felt damn cool, but my rhythm ain't that good.

So tired. Drank 3 glasses of red wine @ my cousin's wedding yesterday, but manage to neutralise with jasmine tea, Ginko Biloba, and a cup of coffee. Then I stayed awake until 2+ PM. going crzy.