This is day 4 since I've revealed my intentions for you. I hope you'd never come here and read.
my last 3 posts were hell and crap, admist confusion. There's still a bit of residual crap at the end here though.
But thinking on the bus ride home, I wanted to take a final stand on this issue.
I think I know what to do:
1) I will stop whining and be a man.
2) I will not withdraw my support for you as a friend (that is my commitment to every friend I have).
3) I will try to put you out of my mind for the time being, since it has become a frightful obsession. I will not feed those feelings unless necessary; because you serve as a valuable source of inspiration for me - let me be as hardworking and bright as you are!
4) I can't put you out of my mind completely. My feelings for you have not changed, and I will continue to prove myself.
5) Life goes on as usual and I will stay true to myself (not for you, or anyone).
* * *
I can count the number of friends I have with my 10 fingers. (Tell me, what's the difference between a friend and an acquaintance? Am I right to make clear distinctions between the two?) I hate it when I can't connect deeply with anyone. Shit. It makes me feel so worthless. I can't stand firmly rooted to the ground. I suppose if I don't change my personality now, I will never make it through life. No more fussy-picking amongst friends. (Yet, what's important to me? I'm just so damn serious about everything.)
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Applied Principles of Effective Living.
have u ever invested too much of your feelings in someone and yeah, like the person just doesn't accept your feelings.
You just don't know what to do. Should I just get carried on by the life current, or persist and believe.
I wish I knew who I was... The people around you, you meet, define who you are. I can't define myself. Not even with a mirror, because then, I would be laterally inverted. It's best to base it on other's judgement.
Music doesn't appeal to my senses anymore.
You're not me. and I chose my friends because I thought they formed a reflection of myself. - Chapterhouse Dune
A few random thoughts:
I need to remember, and live by a strong sense of purpose in life, or I'd get swayed by the wind, carrying other people's ideas.
And 'life is transient', and all that. Therefore, I should be happy. Let me be at peace and tranquility, or at least most of the time, until the end of my days.
Let me be never resentful of hardship, nor of the hurt unknowingly caused by other people. Let me understand people, before getting myself understood, lest causing unneccessary harm to other people.
You just don't know what to do. Should I just get carried on by the life current, or persist and believe.
I wish I knew who I was... The people around you, you meet, define who you are. I can't define myself. Not even with a mirror, because then, I would be laterally inverted. It's best to base it on other's judgement.
Music doesn't appeal to my senses anymore.
You're not me. and I chose my friends because I thought they formed a reflection of myself. - Chapterhouse Dune
A few random thoughts:
I need to remember, and live by a strong sense of purpose in life, or I'd get swayed by the wind, carrying other people's ideas.
And 'life is transient', and all that. Therefore, I should be happy. Let me be at peace and tranquility, or at least most of the time, until the end of my days.
Let me be never resentful of hardship, nor of the hurt unknowingly caused by other people. Let me understand people, before getting myself understood, lest causing unneccessary harm to other people.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
All I ever wanted
... was just 'some commitment' in myself, to stick to the track I carved out for myself.
And I can't believe I'm crawling here & there, miniscule, going the wrong way, getting lost in the towering mounds of soil. Like an earthworm rolling in a mudpath.
I think I must have betrayed myself in many ways. No way for me to be 'pure' anymore.
My inner child, protect me from my adult self... That which screams hate and distrust at anything, and anyone I see. No. I have a confused identity now. Hurt? Do I feel that? I'm nothing. Why should I feel hurt? Emotions gone awry.
Tell me who I am? No one around me can help me with this. Self-hypnosis, brainwash yourself, bombard with positive feelings everyday, awake in the morning with an aura of energy.
And die out feebly when the night comes...
Jason, I believe in your words more than ever. It's up to 'me' to 'complete the sacrifice'. The 'selfless' me. If the world is but a ball of clay, let us plunge our hands into the ball and shape it into whatever we desire; after all, no pain, no gain.
* *
This lack of communication from you is killing me inside. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to break the silence. I'm not sure whether I'm still depressed. I got myself into this shit in the first place. I'm so pathetic... pathetic, pathetic!
* *
God, let me become an angel soon, I want to help others who feel the same way, let alone others who can't begin to help themselves, who are in a worse plight than me. Let's make the world a happier place. (Well, if I can't make the top anyway...)
Yes. Based on my speculations, God exists within me, as a product of my imagination. Its all in the mind. Same as my imagined fears - the concept of divine being was acquired by 'thought'. It was designed in order to enforce social order. To fight my fears, to keep the rich from sucking the poor dry, to banish slavery, to instil conformity, to appreciate life... etc.
And I can't believe I'm crawling here & there, miniscule, going the wrong way, getting lost in the towering mounds of soil. Like an earthworm rolling in a mudpath.
I think I must have betrayed myself in many ways. No way for me to be 'pure' anymore.
My inner child, protect me from my adult self... That which screams hate and distrust at anything, and anyone I see. No. I have a confused identity now. Hurt? Do I feel that? I'm nothing. Why should I feel hurt? Emotions gone awry.
Tell me who I am? No one around me can help me with this. Self-hypnosis, brainwash yourself, bombard with positive feelings everyday, awake in the morning with an aura of energy.
And die out feebly when the night comes...
Jason, I believe in your words more than ever. It's up to 'me' to 'complete the sacrifice'. The 'selfless' me. If the world is but a ball of clay, let us plunge our hands into the ball and shape it into whatever we desire; after all, no pain, no gain.
* *
This lack of communication from you is killing me inside. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to break the silence. I'm not sure whether I'm still depressed. I got myself into this shit in the first place. I'm so pathetic... pathetic, pathetic!
* *
God, let me become an angel soon, I want to help others who feel the same way, let alone others who can't begin to help themselves, who are in a worse plight than me. Let's make the world a happier place. (Well, if I can't make the top anyway...)
Yes. Based on my speculations, God exists within me, as a product of my imagination. Its all in the mind. Same as my imagined fears - the concept of divine being was acquired by 'thought'. It was designed in order to enforce social order. To fight my fears, to keep the rich from sucking the poor dry, to banish slavery, to instil conformity, to appreciate life... etc.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
It's a merry-merry day.
Atheist ->
GOD does not exist. He lives within us. The existence of a divine being is simply the product of human imagination. After all, species learn to live by their worst fears - eg. encountering a predator, anticipation of environmental changes, taking a turn down the wrong alley - a survival instinct they keep within themselves. We learn to fight our worst fears by conjuring up other mythical beings to fight them. In our society now, the mythical being that counteracts religious truth is science. And science begs for reason, and understanding, above anything else.
If I'd never get to announce the following, nor make the speech, I suppose I could fantasise about it or post it in my blog?
(update 29/11 : I sent a crap email to the choir committee, and some disagreed. For me, I just don't see why! It ran on the same basis in Patricia's time, there was some form of order, why the hell does it have to be so damn lax now? Can't you all see that discipline is direly in demand? Especially since our group doesn't have a conductor to take charge? Continue this laissez-faire leading, and see where it gets you! You don't even consult my opinion on things, I don't see why the hell am I still around, seriously ...)
** BEGIN TRANSCRIPT*
The time is 7 pm.
Hey people, gather & listen up. I am going to deliver a short speech.
We can't give everyone complete freedom here - the same goes for singing. When people carry around the attitude that they just can't be bothered, it gets infectious. For example, turning up when you want to, without providing a good explanation.
During practices, pls switch your handphones to the silent mode, unless you're expecting a very important call, (the committee will listen to your reason and review whether it is valid).
Let me revise the ground rule here. When someone is standing in front and talking. Pls give him/her ur attention. Pls be CONSIDERATE & minimise talking when you are expected to do so.
Like I said last time around, discipline has been really lax. What I'm saying is, we are a TEAM - we have to be serious enough to sit back and review our progress. We can't have interruptions for our own selfish reasons - seeking attention. We have to respect the ground rules here, and balance work & play. If we have come so far and have achieved nothing, we're really failures.
From now on, pls do not take your friend standing next to you for granted. We're all here for a reason. We're here because we love to sing and make music together. Please love & respect each other, and the time they are willing to fork out each week to come here. I'm here to make sure that everyone enjoys and gets to benefit from our practices. (Choir needs a QA/QC team).
I shall now distribute a few copies of ground rules...
Let's have a brand new start this term, a few New Year resolutions. I hope choir can start pulling in guys who have the interest and vocal quality, and ensure our survival. I hope that everyone gets to benefit from practices; no last min cancelling of practices; practices with specific goals in mind (improve efficiency of practices).
I want everyone to think for Choir, what kinds of things they want to achieve.
Please be realistic. Set goals that we can achieve.
I shall not be around here for very long, so I'll do what I can when I'm still here...
Firstly, I shall do a simple survey. How many of you all still want to have physical warm-ups? We shall spend 5 mins on them prior to the start of every practice, as we did before... =)
*** end of transcript *
What the hell do I think about choir and music anyway?
I repeatedly question myself, why had I wanted to join choir anyway? Perhaps I've gotten too comfortable in it, from sec 1.
Singing unlocks the soul. Honestly, I don't give a damn whether the pitching is on or off. I just want to feel. In an acapella song, when u've never heard of it, the lyrics are all that you hear. And I suppose that fuzzy stuff involving harmonics or all, is what professionals are listening for. But to the audience/ commoner, when something has no heart in it, it's worthless. I suppose I just don't have that listening ear... It's so damn obvious to me when everytime I am asked to comment, I can't tell anything for sure. Like I can't even remember how everyone sang.
I think I'm starting to lose heart already. Humph. I can't begin to feel what all the others are feeling. Choir is not a good place for me to stay in. There's no bonding there. It's sad, it's unhealthy. It's time for me to go. Though I doubt I can belong anywhere, I shall keep on looking. Why didn't I join track & field? Don't 'ooh- ahh' and say what I don't want to hear. The thing is, I have a passion for training & over-exertion. It really gives me a high. If it's anything, I wish I could die early (due to overexhaustion) and get off the face of this cruel world. I can't take anymore of this shit.
I wish I had something/ someone to believe in. ?? believe in yourself? Let me be all that I can be, and live life to the fullest. I've never felt the need to express myself so crudely. Damn it. If you're uncomfortable, just get the hell out of my diary.
I will not make any empty promises to myself. I hope to become stronger; but until that day where I'd finally achieve something in life that I could be proud of, I will keep on running. That's what I'm looking for. Now, to be realistic... It's time to practise what I preach, and concentrate on my efforts. Goodbye blog.
GOD does not exist. He lives within us. The existence of a divine being is simply the product of human imagination. After all, species learn to live by their worst fears - eg. encountering a predator, anticipation of environmental changes, taking a turn down the wrong alley - a survival instinct they keep within themselves. We learn to fight our worst fears by conjuring up other mythical beings to fight them. In our society now, the mythical being that counteracts religious truth is science. And science begs for reason, and understanding, above anything else.
If I'd never get to announce the following, nor make the speech, I suppose I could fantasise about it or post it in my blog?
(update 29/11 : I sent a crap email to the choir committee, and some disagreed. For me, I just don't see why! It ran on the same basis in Patricia's time, there was some form of order, why the hell does it have to be so damn lax now? Can't you all see that discipline is direly in demand? Especially since our group doesn't have a conductor to take charge? Continue this laissez-faire leading, and see where it gets you! You don't even consult my opinion on things, I don't see why the hell am I still around, seriously ...)
** BEGIN TRANSCRIPT*
The time is 7 pm.
Hey people, gather & listen up. I am going to deliver a short speech.
We can't give everyone complete freedom here - the same goes for singing. When people carry around the attitude that they just can't be bothered, it gets infectious. For example, turning up when you want to, without providing a good explanation.
During practices, pls switch your handphones to the silent mode, unless you're expecting a very important call, (the committee will listen to your reason and review whether it is valid).
Let me revise the ground rule here. When someone is standing in front and talking. Pls give him/her ur attention. Pls be CONSIDERATE & minimise talking when you are expected to do so.
Like I said last time around, discipline has been really lax. What I'm saying is, we are a TEAM - we have to be serious enough to sit back and review our progress. We can't have interruptions for our own selfish reasons - seeking attention. We have to respect the ground rules here, and balance work & play. If we have come so far and have achieved nothing, we're really failures.
From now on, pls do not take your friend standing next to you for granted. We're all here for a reason. We're here because we love to sing and make music together. Please love & respect each other, and the time they are willing to fork out each week to come here. I'm here to make sure that everyone enjoys and gets to benefit from our practices. (Choir needs a QA/QC team).
I shall now distribute a few copies of ground rules...
Let's have a brand new start this term, a few New Year resolutions. I hope choir can start pulling in guys who have the interest and vocal quality, and ensure our survival. I hope that everyone gets to benefit from practices; no last min cancelling of practices; practices with specific goals in mind (improve efficiency of practices).
I want everyone to think for Choir, what kinds of things they want to achieve.
Please be realistic. Set goals that we can achieve.
I shall not be around here for very long, so I'll do what I can when I'm still here...
Firstly, I shall do a simple survey. How many of you all still want to have physical warm-ups? We shall spend 5 mins on them prior to the start of every practice, as we did before... =)
*** end of transcript *
What the hell do I think about choir and music anyway?
I repeatedly question myself, why had I wanted to join choir anyway? Perhaps I've gotten too comfortable in it, from sec 1.
Singing unlocks the soul. Honestly, I don't give a damn whether the pitching is on or off. I just want to feel. In an acapella song, when u've never heard of it, the lyrics are all that you hear. And I suppose that fuzzy stuff involving harmonics or all, is what professionals are listening for. But to the audience/ commoner, when something has no heart in it, it's worthless. I suppose I just don't have that listening ear... It's so damn obvious to me when everytime I am asked to comment, I can't tell anything for sure. Like I can't even remember how everyone sang.
I think I'm starting to lose heart already. Humph. I can't begin to feel what all the others are feeling. Choir is not a good place for me to stay in. There's no bonding there. It's sad, it's unhealthy. It's time for me to go. Though I doubt I can belong anywhere, I shall keep on looking. Why didn't I join track & field? Don't 'ooh- ahh' and say what I don't want to hear. The thing is, I have a passion for training & over-exertion. It really gives me a high. If it's anything, I wish I could die early (due to overexhaustion) and get off the face of this cruel world. I can't take anymore of this shit.
I wish I had something/ someone to believe in. ?? believe in yourself? Let me be all that I can be, and live life to the fullest. I've never felt the need to express myself so crudely. Damn it. If you're uncomfortable, just get the hell out of my diary.
I will not make any empty promises to myself. I hope to become stronger; but until that day where I'd finally achieve something in life that I could be proud of, I will keep on running. That's what I'm looking for. Now, to be realistic... It's time to practise what I preach, and concentrate on my efforts. Goodbye blog.
Yet again.
I wish I'd never have to fall in love again.
Love is not a requirement for many. When you'd had it, it ain't exactly the best feeling in the world either. Sometimes, when it's not going well at all, you'd wish you could curl up into a ball and die.
I bought you a present today, and didn't manage to give it to you. I don't know, I wanted to stay friends, but another part of me disagreed. I'm turning schizo... But I have to be realistic. There's this huge gap between us I feel nothing can bridge. I want to prove myself, but I couldn't do so... I admire you deeply and I would never harm you. Perhaps I brainwashed myself to fall in love with you? How I hate this feeling.
Some people are born lonely. I wish I could have a strong purpose in life to fight that loneliness. How I wish I could succeed and take pride in myself. But it's been a long time...
Where will I go next? Some people say I have to take things one step at a time; yet, have I not set realistic goals for myself? Am I too unfocused in academics?
I hate undefined relationships. Just draw the line and wake me up from my daydream.
What the hellllllllll.........
Love is not a requirement for many. When you'd had it, it ain't exactly the best feeling in the world either. Sometimes, when it's not going well at all, you'd wish you could curl up into a ball and die.
I bought you a present today, and didn't manage to give it to you. I don't know, I wanted to stay friends, but another part of me disagreed. I'm turning schizo... But I have to be realistic. There's this huge gap between us I feel nothing can bridge. I want to prove myself, but I couldn't do so... I admire you deeply and I would never harm you. Perhaps I brainwashed myself to fall in love with you? How I hate this feeling.
Some people are born lonely. I wish I could have a strong purpose in life to fight that loneliness. How I wish I could succeed and take pride in myself. But it's been a long time...
Where will I go next? Some people say I have to take things one step at a time; yet, have I not set realistic goals for myself? Am I too unfocused in academics?
I hate undefined relationships. Just draw the line and wake me up from my daydream.
What the hellllllllll.........
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