Job-Hunting (a long story)

Okay. I shall begin with a long intro. This entry is shamelessly disorganised. Somehow I felt I should let go, and produce an outpouring of thoughts.

You know I really love my classmates. Sometimes I can feel their warmth, but what do they think about it anyway. Does saying that make them happy?

You know I don't give a damn whether all of you play pool, or that I can't play pool well; but you're my classmates and I should have known all of you better in the first place. Gen was right - relationship is give and take (and simple enough, like cell-cell interaction). The fault lies within me alone and I can't blame anyone.

Watched Victor's fave character 'Alucard' in Japanese anime Hellsing. Thought he looked like Carmen Sandiego (BBC Cartoon Criminal). Thought nothing great about the fighting scenes, and it ain't funny; they look hideous... Vampiric stories disturb my mind. This has sparked my interest in anime though. It's the unique way they delay scenes to draw out feelings.

In addition, I bought 'Ghost In the Shell Stand Alone Complex [01]', courtesy of Eric and Victor's advice.

If you guys don't want to be mentioned in the blog, tell me about it, okay?

* * *

I spent my morning eating breakfast at McD's. Woah boy. After reading the article about TRANS-FAT... I try to avoid eating McD's since it has been declared a known poison in the sacred, knowledgable tome of human health (that book does not exist, but it would be nice to have one).

When I encountered the morning-staff auntie, she said morning, welcome to McD's... and I said, Hotcake with Sausage ONLY, having here, no meal please! I thought about having Tea to go along... But in all, it added to 5.40!! I was thinking... Sher, but the Hotcake w/ sausage meal would cost only 5.30. The only difference between my order and the meal, was the deep-fried golden Hashbrown.

In my dictionary, deep-fried equals oily and bad. Moreover, Gold seems to be indigestible. So face the facts! If you exclude the Hashbrown - known poison - you pay an extra 10 cents!

Whether or not you like the Hashbrown, you'd have to eat it all the same, to save your hard-earned money. So much for avoiding trans-fat...

I'm thinking about working in McD's. In my observation today, it's not as easy as it seems. Macromanagement is key. You cannot be the cashier only. You must shuttle back and forth, switching between stations. You must shout clipped army-like commands: "Hotcake sausage!" For 1), you must know where to put your hands. Grab the serviettes, grab the chilli sauce... 2) You must greet all customers w/o fail. These come as basic requirements. Unless you greet them, they wouldn't come shuffling to your counter begging for food. 3) The Manager opens the door for customers and he's the multifaceted captain... The totipotent cell. I had not enough courage to walk to him and ask the QUESTION. Because I'm not sure how to ask it.

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A sweet shop at Marine Parade was looking for assistant storekeepers. He rejected me straight away because he needed staff in the long-run, and I could only work for 2 months. At my Grandma's house, I flipped open the CLASSIFIEDS, and chanced upon a "SINGERS NEEDED". On singing, I went for audition @ 'Backstage'. I opened the door of a 2nd storey shophouse, to find a STUDIO... A director's black-plastic chair was laid in the centre, a few other people, also trying to audition were present. The staff was Amber, a woman in black. She told me to take off my shoes. She talked a lot of mandarin to other people on audition, and demonstrated various ways of singing, and their effects, e.g. SHE - Selina's voice is slightly nasal, Hebe has a chest voice... And she talked a lot about LIVE PERFORMANCES. I suddenly realised that I might be in the wrong place. Later, I sang a few lines from "The Scientist". She said my vocal projection was good, but my tone should vary throughout the song. She said I should consider performing since I possess a unique voice. I bought that compliment for a moment, and felt proud of myself, with the world smiling down on me. I looked so reserved before I was asked to sing. Perhaps I have given her a shock!

Actually, I thought it was a venue for recording artistes. I thought I could become like OCEAN. Oops there - I discovered my secret fantasy... My problem was, I only know Coldplay songs and a select few rock songs I like. Somehow, I'm disgusted with mainstream pop. Why can't people sing songs with a lower vocal range... It really discourages me!

Another woman came after me, Huang Pei Tse. She sang a Cantonese song very well with variations in pitch and tone. She said she was from H206. The 2 women kept talking about a local band called mu chuan (wooden boat?).

I thought when I sang Coldplay songs true to the fashion of Chris Martin, I couldn't possibly showcase my individuality. And I would be marked down as pretentious. So I thought: "hey Zhong hao, time to hit the guitar and piano... You're only Grade 2 going on 3, on both instruments. It's not Maturity time yet. You still have a CCA called choir."

I thought 'live performances' (reduced to gigs) were a big challenge. It was like doing presentations all over again. The main reasons for my reluctancy was 1) I'm uncomfortable with my limited vocal range 2) I have a phobia of performing due to past experience 3) My vocal techniques are not polished 4) I need more self-confidence. 5) I wish my voice instructors could have told me what was wrong!! I look up to Reuben and Albert. How do I sing the high notes without straining? Do I use the diaphragm in pop singing? Am I using the chest voice? All those questions unanswered, BECAUSE I DIDN'T DARE TO ASK! And now I might never have the chance again, I'm slapping myself in the face.

I'm a music-lover, not a performer. (You can say the same for soccer fans, they love watching the pawns move across the checkerboard - maybe not such a good description; but they love a heck of chaos. Controlled chaos that is, in the form of rules and referees, physical conditions, variables here and there relating to team physique... ART!) And maybe I should just shut up and slap myself for talking crap... HAHAHA... this is bloody disorganised! A form of art! My dream, is to compose simple songs for the ones around me.

I'm sad that I lost the namecard on the bus. I'm always losing things... Her name was Amber. That dashed my dreams. That's why I'm so mad now. Stricken with regret...

Introvert zh

... at last, it's back to blogging, and time to put my creativity to work!

With a new layout, I hope things for me will start afresh; and as cells die and renew themselves with each passing day, I will approach each day with a more positive attitude towards life.

I've learnt today that age usually accounts for the amount of life experiences. My brother had invested his time on books in college. I was saying to him, "this book is great..." to convince him to read it, when he said he had already done so at a younger age. That was felt akin to a slap on the face.

* * *

Yesterday, spent my time with some of my friends in my secondary school CCA, choir. I was full of mixed feelings about it, but I felt very happy to see them again at April's house. I never felt so happy to see the seniors. I had no idea of what they were like, or how much they have changed. But they DO have magnetic personalities, and I think that everyone was very happy that day. We played around a bit in the early hours of Easter sunday. We watched football, anime, a horror movie. Everyone was slowly falling asleep one by one.

I felt sad to leave the next morning, because I thought I had left a part of me among them. In fact, I left my water bottle there, and I'm wondering when I would see it again. (Well, I had not enough sleep)

Thanks to April for hosting the 'get-together' party. Even though everyone had to disperse the next morning, with sleepiness in their eyes. I'm glad to have been in such wonderful company.

If anyone of you out there reads this blog. I'd say I love you all, you guys rock. Take care~!

Uncle's opinion.

Today, 2 children, totally unrelated to me called me uncle. They were gathering donations for 'Z' charity organisation.

I am saddened that I have lost my youth.

* * *

"The more pretty a girl is, the higher the cost of her maintenance". I thought about my hypothesis for a while, but found it to be not true - I'm being a sour grape.

There has been no history of me being implicated in a mutual relationship. I always thought schooling is the time for studying and making friends. I've always been attracted to girls with good grades.

But sometimes, I think otherwise. After all, my hormones are raging. From young, my parents have switched channels whenever the TV actors get into some form of intimacy, whether kissing or the James Bond scenes (sex and sex all over again). Basically, they would jump up quickly and seize the remote. At the end of all action movies, they would frown upon the set and say, "Ang-moh people is like that one! Everytime kiss-kiss!"

I think I'm a born conservative because of that - the conditioning put in place throughout my childhood. It sounds like some form of Buddhism - renouncing the desires of the flesh. But it's effective!

A few weeks ago while I was using the PC in the library, a young couple was sitting across me. I was trying to concentrate on the monitor, but they were getting into unneccessary intimacy, making me wince in discomfort.

Firstly, I long to start off with a peer relationship. When things are fine, can a relationship possibly develop. I am not a desperado. I'm just looking for true love.