My dementors (demons).

Yesterday, I woke up at 4 AM in the morning, and I could not get myself back to sleep. Then I went to read Harry Potter - Prisoner of Azkaban. I've been thinking about things I wonder I ought to think about... Because those questions are so personal, they can't be revealed here in any fashion.

It will be mediocre stuff to all. Like, how come people have already read Harry Potter, watched the latest anime, while I chose not to believe in such stuff as a waste of time. I could think of the excuses that go along the lines of "too busy..." but that wouldn't explain my grades. Now I feel cornered by peer pressure. I feel a growing sense of inferiority when I compare myself to those around me. I seem to shrink into the size of a tiny mothball, and repel the smelliest cockroach. Then the next day, I spent a day floating around in reality, almost posting an entry about, "What is love?" when I stopped myself in the last minute.

People like me don't deserve love. We are self-loathing in our own right. We steal energy from others. We are slaves to the society, only to be manipulated and used throughout life. People who deprive themselves of the means to become successful, partly due to lack of self-confidence, life chances, or unfortunate circumstances.
(here I see for myself that my thoughts have made a cynical turn)

I swear I'm suffering from mild depression, and I doubt I can express positive confidence for 10 hours in a day. I'm troubling myself with things that take a toll on my energy. I can't believe how much I don't understand of myself. I can't believe I get overwhelmed by frustrations, so many times in a day. Life is a wreck, and I look heading for nervous breakdown. I'm not exaggerating, I tell you...

I need some goddamn distraction.

And yesterday, I quarrelled with my brother. I can't stand how he can express his anger unto others, behave in such a haphazard way to the family he should love and respect. I can't stand his normal behavior, to me or my parents, and I remembered I shouted at him to "GO TO HELL..." He really pissed me off, by thinking that he could mutiliate other people's property (he forcefully smashed a container of Aloe vera gel on the floor, breaking the cap) to vent his anger, and think he could get away with it. He's like a little child.

We don't talk normally like angelic siblings on TV. Everyday experiences I tolerate, such as his tauntings to go into a fight. He would throw punches in the air around me, kicking around with a menacing stare... At dinner, he would be most noisy, and exhibit boorish, contemptible behaviour on the table. He had forgotten how 2 years ago, I'd chosen to ignore him with silent treatment for a year - for a fight he enticed, ending up with him giving me a kick in the stomach... but I received pain around my groin instead. Clearly. The world was made this way, unfair, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Subsequently, during the cold war, it felt like the end of the world. I had to glare at him whenever he was around. Give a sullen look at the dining table. Because he never sincerely apologised for what he did, and whether he was going to be the same way the next day. But at the same time, there was no one I could talk to; my infectious mood of a boiling kettle had spread to my daily behaviour too. I had no permanent friends I could keep in contact with in my secondary school. As my social circle closed down on me, I had no mood throughout my O'Levels, Sec 3 and 4. No emotional support from busy parents, and nothing to look forward to.

Somebody rid me of my brother for God's sake! People in choir probably noted my lack of concentration yesterday, when the practice started intitially. My voice was hoarse from shouting. I apologise. In no way was I showing my attitude towards Joel.

What's escapism?
Spending too much time thinking, and not making any action.

Hoping the world would slow down for me. Hopeful that I can increase my vocabularly and pursue a career in the literary arts. -.- Hopeful that I can understand, I'm not as retarded as I think I am. Hopeful that people will make allowances, and give me some space to breathe, so I don't need to be so frustrated with myself all the time. Hopeful that I can immerse myself in reliable friendships to help me through my tough times.

And what's wishful thinking? That's asking too much.

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This blog is turning out more to be a diary than any communication tool. I am so shy; I bet, people just come in here and feel embarrassed at all the private thoughts I'm revealing. Maybe, I'll frighten them away and they'll never come back. =) There ain't no room for Macho-ism here. Maybe not just yet. Someday, when I'm stronger.
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Actually, the advantage of blog is that it gives me time to think and voice out things I think I've missed out. I'm unsure of my own opinions, until I've heard others, and gathered sufficient data. A catalyst for bringing out what I've always thought about.

I would leave this blog for awhile, until my mood gets better. You don't know how much time I have to spend to cough out some content. And I don't entertain people with it anyway. Damn. It's depressing.

Thinking about what reuben commented about God Emperor last night kept me thinking. Well, so the Tyrant's Golden Path forcing evolution by stifling the population... In my opinion, it's a fascinating tale. So fascinating that I just passed it like a train roaring across the landscape of a countryside. -_- I didn't remember the underlying moral behind the story. But I liked the characters pretty well.