Weirdo.

I went to NYJC's choir concert today; the first I've heard in a long time.

I could never stand for commenting about the songs. I did not hear most of them anyway. I seem to think the ones I sang in were better. This means I'm biased.

I may be sick of hearing the songs tt I sang before. I couldn't decide whether to close my eyes and listen, or to open and find out where the sound is coming from.

Anyway, I felt so diam today that I just kept quiet throughout the concert, and after it. As if I can't find anything to say to old friends.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the concert. It was anti-stress therapy. But I formulated some theories about my relationships.

I scratch my head thinking about shallow relationships and their 'hi-bye' limitations, and of deep, real friends that you can talk to on the same wavelength.

I thought to myself. Don't bother thinking. Just stone. "Don't worry because everything's gonna be all right!" - courtesy of a friend.

My studies are driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else.

Friends drive me crazy too.

===

Well, I got to thank Shanyu for treating me to a free show. :) OOPS.
At first I couldn't recognise you with long hair. Well, I hope you get better soon, and I'm sorry I couldn't pay you for it.

lawrence, yan ming, yan ren, huiling, jason, xuhao... My former classmates. See, I remember all of you! I really didn't expect the turnout. Well, all the best to all in life. Don't know when will we meet again...

has spoken 13th May.

I saw a customer blogging away with a laptop in the restaurant lobby. It reminded me to brush away the cobwebs here and update my little corner on the internet.

The truth is, I can't quit so early... (in less than a month)

I lied to the manager, and my integrity is compromised! I'm no longer hungering for more job experience. The manager has spent some time training me, the money paid for Typhrix injection. So through negotiation, I got shorter working hours, and a promise of staying away from stressful counter work. I negotiated too, to resign by June, 2 weeks after sch reopen. I think it is inevitable of me to resign.

I got a shock when I handled the computers at the counter. With the customers' orders running through my mind and all the 60s service... It was easy for me to refuse the challenge.

Promises of higher salary in temp. jobs are driving me crazy!

I keep challenging myself at work to perform better. Carrying as many trays as possible. As clean and fast as possible. Hi-efficiency. But sometimes, I think... why bother.

When time is a circle. (see Alan Lightman's 'Einstein's Dreams')

Look no further than the first one:

"Time is a circle; individual experience endlessly repeats itself"

After clearing hundreds of trays in the lobby, I can agree with that. I don't even keep track of the number - the number of times you check the toilet and mop it up. The number of times you look at the clock to see whether time has passed. The number of times you scan the floor. The number of times you look out through the glass windows. The number of times you open the glass door for every customer. (you'd still have to throw away rubbish and organic material)

Not to mention collecting cigarette butts in the parking lot...

A very interesting book... The concepts of time are illustrated vividly in various scenarios. The book illustrates the above by saying couples keep on making love, like they did it for the first time... Thus, they can never get sick of it.

The human race and the cycle of wars... Breakdown of organised governments, restructuring, times of chaos (war), times of relative peace. (But it can't be described in a linear fashion!) I can't even begin to understand the complexity of where we're going as a race. Maybe it's evolution, but does it really matter in the end? You know life is so short.

And once your time is over, maybe u would go away and the world would cease to exist for you. Everything in life was just a dream. Everyday you greet friends, worry over things in a waking dream...

Once you savoured the bottom-line, you plan not to waste another day.

There was a song by the rock band Hoobastank, which said we're all going in the same direction. Where else could we go in the end? Attain immortality? and I'm not talking about Elvis.

I was thinking about people who opt for having cyberbrains, like Ghost in the Shell (jap anime). Would such an existence have meaning?

Precisely, it has no meaning, and it is out to take the (money) time away from productive individuals like me! Oops. *BHB. Which means I am feeling to full of myself.*

But who wants to be a hopeless kid rotting away, and growing mould in one corner? And not to mention collecting dust. (a term coined from a teacher I love)

(I want my managers and colleagues to stop nagging at me. The frying machines to stop beeping noisily. Some peace in the working life. That's what I strive for. I want to do it right. I want to earn rightfully $3.5 an hour, live up to my principles, and a full working day's experiences.)

* * *

I'm reading 'Lord of the Flies' now. Ralph is wondering what he should do about the beast. And the reader keeps thinking: "Damn. Why can't he see that it's a dead pilot instead of a beast."

I remember the cover of the book. A smart classmate of mine was reading it in a Secondary 1 class. So that's what modern literature is... And the writer - one of the best too - received a Nobel Prize.

I quit

I'm sick of my job. Don't ask why.

I can't cope with the job - long working hours and low pay. after considering the opportunity cost; trading leisure time for menial, physically/mentally straining job was no doubt foolish.

Today I fell sick after clearing the rubbish and frying hashbrowns. Yesterday, I walked home in the rain, thinking over my decision.

The demand for hashbrowns overshot supply. I kept getting scoldings. It gets so routine after 3 weeks.

I wasted 9 grilled chicken patties when I mistook them for breakfast sausages.

It's a sick job. and I can't understand why people work there. Why people are so lazy and cannot cook nutritious food for themselves. Happy meal for the kids? Some people study in the air-conditioned environment with the sublimal messaging - advertisements over the radio...

I heard that the tasty KFC whipped potato sauce is derived from excess fried-chicken crumbs! Sick. Horrible fast food. No more will I succumb to temptations of any fast-food chain when faced with a choice!

Back to the valued hawker centres of old.

Lesson reaped: I must study hard and get a good job in future.

Absence; and the limitations of blogging

I came here to explain my absence, though I'm not terribly apologetic.

Rule of thumb: I'm not under any obligation to blog away bits of my life Blogging is my past-time. However, I understand the feeling: sometimes you click on a blog for curiousity's sake, and find... ANNOYING! The thing ain't updated! It's like a goddamn waste of time... ;-) It's like having been cheated of your feelings. And how everyone else is cheating your feelings... Who would be sincere to you, out there in the real world?

The cynical me is acting up. It occurs when nobody talks to you, and you're getting antisocial and depressed; but you're secretly hoping your friends would have telepathy of some sort, and think about how you're getting along, and give you a call or so. Just think about it. In a moment they would be there; and we can crack silly jokes and laugh at each other. In a moment we would be happy.

But sadness is infinite! It has infinite dimensions. To take a detour from depression, you channel sadness to brush against anger, you obtain cynicism... (a belief that everyone is out to make your life difficult) You shut yourself in a protective shell and trade for some time alone. Some time to reinvent yourself - a house undergoing renovations. And when it's done, you'll be sturdy. You'll be stronger.

* * *

Now, as if I'm going to issue a stern warning...

Try not to use my raw essay... as your own stuff... I mean, now, come on. The most important thing, is to be true to yourself. (If you had any kind of code of conduct/morals by which you abide) I thought about this with my narrow-minded linear train of thought. In your opinion, thought-provoking? Simple-minded? I'd say I was under-read.

I'm stupid enough to write an essay for somebody else who will read, take credit/use it and absorb more through his own learning experiences and will never share them with me. But damn! Zhaong has published something for the masses. And the masses are a sea, threatening to drown and swallow him in the murky depths of knowledgable individuals.


CONTROVERSIAL:
(The occurrence of foul language here is neccessary to a limited extent; because I wanted to express my emotions quickly, and naturally understood by most people.) Like the quick knife tasting blood; one could use expletives in text to express an exclaimation. To make it jump out at the eyes. Or maybe not.

* * *

WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO

The past few weeks, I found my job at McD's. In the quiet restaurant, people come and go. The salary, you ask? $3.50 an hr. I see past teachers from Chung Cheng High (Main), friends from my class, and choir.

Of course I met with problems during the job. The rapidness and quality of fast food chain can be acknowledged. Yet the nutritional concerns must be addressed too.

McSpicy Double patties clearly contain Monosodium Glutamate. I'm not sure about the others. I know most foodstuffs are cooked in partially hydrogenated vegetable oil. Especially French Fries. * Implication: Unhealthy TRANS FATS. We pack french fries and some customers just leave out a lot of them...

The Lobbyist

They don't finish...
their nuggets, mcwings and dippers.
Drink their coke half-way.
What can we do but throw them away?

Job-Hunting (a long story)

Okay. I shall begin with a long intro. This entry is shamelessly disorganised. Somehow I felt I should let go, and produce an outpouring of thoughts.

You know I really love my classmates. Sometimes I can feel their warmth, but what do they think about it anyway. Does saying that make them happy?

You know I don't give a damn whether all of you play pool, or that I can't play pool well; but you're my classmates and I should have known all of you better in the first place. Gen was right - relationship is give and take (and simple enough, like cell-cell interaction). The fault lies within me alone and I can't blame anyone.

Watched Victor's fave character 'Alucard' in Japanese anime Hellsing. Thought he looked like Carmen Sandiego (BBC Cartoon Criminal). Thought nothing great about the fighting scenes, and it ain't funny; they look hideous... Vampiric stories disturb my mind. This has sparked my interest in anime though. It's the unique way they delay scenes to draw out feelings.

In addition, I bought 'Ghost In the Shell Stand Alone Complex [01]', courtesy of Eric and Victor's advice.

If you guys don't want to be mentioned in the blog, tell me about it, okay?

* * *

I spent my morning eating breakfast at McD's. Woah boy. After reading the article about TRANS-FAT... I try to avoid eating McD's since it has been declared a known poison in the sacred, knowledgable tome of human health (that book does not exist, but it would be nice to have one).

When I encountered the morning-staff auntie, she said morning, welcome to McD's... and I said, Hotcake with Sausage ONLY, having here, no meal please! I thought about having Tea to go along... But in all, it added to 5.40!! I was thinking... Sher, but the Hotcake w/ sausage meal would cost only 5.30. The only difference between my order and the meal, was the deep-fried golden Hashbrown.

In my dictionary, deep-fried equals oily and bad. Moreover, Gold seems to be indigestible. So face the facts! If you exclude the Hashbrown - known poison - you pay an extra 10 cents!

Whether or not you like the Hashbrown, you'd have to eat it all the same, to save your hard-earned money. So much for avoiding trans-fat...

I'm thinking about working in McD's. In my observation today, it's not as easy as it seems. Macromanagement is key. You cannot be the cashier only. You must shuttle back and forth, switching between stations. You must shout clipped army-like commands: "Hotcake sausage!" For 1), you must know where to put your hands. Grab the serviettes, grab the chilli sauce... 2) You must greet all customers w/o fail. These come as basic requirements. Unless you greet them, they wouldn't come shuffling to your counter begging for food. 3) The Manager opens the door for customers and he's the multifaceted captain... The totipotent cell. I had not enough courage to walk to him and ask the QUESTION. Because I'm not sure how to ask it.

* * *

A sweet shop at Marine Parade was looking for assistant storekeepers. He rejected me straight away because he needed staff in the long-run, and I could only work for 2 months. At my Grandma's house, I flipped open the CLASSIFIEDS, and chanced upon a "SINGERS NEEDED". On singing, I went for audition @ 'Backstage'. I opened the door of a 2nd storey shophouse, to find a STUDIO... A director's black-plastic chair was laid in the centre, a few other people, also trying to audition were present. The staff was Amber, a woman in black. She told me to take off my shoes. She talked a lot of mandarin to other people on audition, and demonstrated various ways of singing, and their effects, e.g. SHE - Selina's voice is slightly nasal, Hebe has a chest voice... And she talked a lot about LIVE PERFORMANCES. I suddenly realised that I might be in the wrong place. Later, I sang a few lines from "The Scientist". She said my vocal projection was good, but my tone should vary throughout the song. She said I should consider performing since I possess a unique voice. I bought that compliment for a moment, and felt proud of myself, with the world smiling down on me. I looked so reserved before I was asked to sing. Perhaps I have given her a shock!

Actually, I thought it was a venue for recording artistes. I thought I could become like OCEAN. Oops there - I discovered my secret fantasy... My problem was, I only know Coldplay songs and a select few rock songs I like. Somehow, I'm disgusted with mainstream pop. Why can't people sing songs with a lower vocal range... It really discourages me!

Another woman came after me, Huang Pei Tse. She sang a Cantonese song very well with variations in pitch and tone. She said she was from H206. The 2 women kept talking about a local band called mu chuan (wooden boat?).

I thought when I sang Coldplay songs true to the fashion of Chris Martin, I couldn't possibly showcase my individuality. And I would be marked down as pretentious. So I thought: "hey Zhong hao, time to hit the guitar and piano... You're only Grade 2 going on 3, on both instruments. It's not Maturity time yet. You still have a CCA called choir."

I thought 'live performances' (reduced to gigs) were a big challenge. It was like doing presentations all over again. The main reasons for my reluctancy was 1) I'm uncomfortable with my limited vocal range 2) I have a phobia of performing due to past experience 3) My vocal techniques are not polished 4) I need more self-confidence. 5) I wish my voice instructors could have told me what was wrong!! I look up to Reuben and Albert. How do I sing the high notes without straining? Do I use the diaphragm in pop singing? Am I using the chest voice? All those questions unanswered, BECAUSE I DIDN'T DARE TO ASK! And now I might never have the chance again, I'm slapping myself in the face.

I'm a music-lover, not a performer. (You can say the same for soccer fans, they love watching the pawns move across the checkerboard - maybe not such a good description; but they love a heck of chaos. Controlled chaos that is, in the form of rules and referees, physical conditions, variables here and there relating to team physique... ART!) And maybe I should just shut up and slap myself for talking crap... HAHAHA... this is bloody disorganised! A form of art! My dream, is to compose simple songs for the ones around me.

I'm sad that I lost the namecard on the bus. I'm always losing things... Her name was Amber. That dashed my dreams. That's why I'm so mad now. Stricken with regret...

Introvert zh

... at last, it's back to blogging, and time to put my creativity to work!

With a new layout, I hope things for me will start afresh; and as cells die and renew themselves with each passing day, I will approach each day with a more positive attitude towards life.

I've learnt today that age usually accounts for the amount of life experiences. My brother had invested his time on books in college. I was saying to him, "this book is great..." to convince him to read it, when he said he had already done so at a younger age. That was felt akin to a slap on the face.

* * *

Yesterday, spent my time with some of my friends in my secondary school CCA, choir. I was full of mixed feelings about it, but I felt very happy to see them again at April's house. I never felt so happy to see the seniors. I had no idea of what they were like, or how much they have changed. But they DO have magnetic personalities, and I think that everyone was very happy that day. We played around a bit in the early hours of Easter sunday. We watched football, anime, a horror movie. Everyone was slowly falling asleep one by one.

I felt sad to leave the next morning, because I thought I had left a part of me among them. In fact, I left my water bottle there, and I'm wondering when I would see it again. (Well, I had not enough sleep)

Thanks to April for hosting the 'get-together' party. Even though everyone had to disperse the next morning, with sleepiness in their eyes. I'm glad to have been in such wonderful company.

If anyone of you out there reads this blog. I'd say I love you all, you guys rock. Take care~!