Musings (Seize the Day!)

I'll be putting a halt to my weekly guitar lessons in a week's time. My teacher said he's sorry to see me go, because he takes care of every student like plants, like flowers (in a cynical way, he's losing a certain source of income). I empathise with how he feels, but I can't stay - the fees are too high. I feel bad draining off my parents' hard-earned money.

I remembered the time I stopped piano lessons because I felt I was progressing very slowly, and had to deal with studies. Now, I find myself back in square one. Perhaps now I can devote more time to my choral activities?

Some people invest a lot of time while they were young to learn skills. Accomplished pianists can play any song you throw at them... I wish I had practised hard...

* * *

*drifting off in my thoughts...*

The first skill I've learnt was swimming. When I was young, I would spend over 2 hours on Saturday afternoon, doing many laps of breaststroke. Sometimes, being suspended in the water felt like you were dead. I thought I was in a floating coffin, drifting in the middle of an ocean. I'm dead. Free from the physical pain in this world. Otherwise, I felt like I was a submarine... :)

... So that was a skill I invested in, and gave enormous payback.

* * *

Sometimes I have a lot of ideas in my head. The air is full of ideas. I'd like to think about them, but I'll forget the next instant, like the passing breeze.

I just watched the Dead Poet's Society, which I actually did so by the recommendation of a friend (or as discussed in her blog) "Gather rosebuds while yo may..." Carpe Diem. From my perspective, the young boys in the movie have developed a wrong interpretation of their teacher's unconventional teaching. It was true that they were impressionable. Seize the day! as the film depicts, means making use of all the available opportunities in life. Misguided, they were. They did not see the big picture, that they were part of society.

It made me think about whether conformity would be best for our lives. As matured adults, we should take our actions into consideration and think of how we interact in society. But when I applied the concept to my daily life, it gave me adrenalin rushes. I was rushing for buses, asking lecturers questions, talking to strangers, etc.. I also wondered if any careperson in our poly was going to impress on their students: "make your lives extraordinary!!"

Currently, I see life as the pathway to infinity. The road of endless possibilities. I think that youths must be encouraged to step forward and challenge the future. The chicks must emerge from the nest and venture carefully. // Yet the eagle swoops above, circling for an opportunity. If by any chance, you get picked up by predator selection... most unfortunate. What are we living for anyway? Ourselves. But that's the hard and fast rule of life. How many people may make it, the amount of people who get distinction, there are the limits. As always, I have to remind meself that life is a big game.

Things I don't understand

how tides control the sea
and what becomes of me
how little things can slip out of your hands

how often people change
no two remain the same
why things dont always turn out as you plan
these are things that i dont understand
yea these are things that i dont understand

and i cant decide
wrong from right
oh my day from night
oh the dark from light
but i love this life

how infinite is space
and who decides your fate
why everything will dissolve into sand

how to avoid defeat
where truth and fiction meet
why nothing ever turns out as you plan
these are things that i dont understand
yea these are things that i dont understand

and i cant decide
wrong from right
oh my day from night
oh the dark from light
but i love this life

Coldplay r getting better at their lyrics. =)

Zero Tolerance

I am so pissed OFF today.

I was tired, after studying last minute for FPATH. Then, a 'friend' approached me under the guise of studying. Firstly, I was annoyed when he started asking me irrelevant questions about the subjects already tested. When I started reading my notes, he was glossing over teen magazines.

I told him I was out rushing last minute work, but he kept disturbing me again and again with handphone SMSes. I'm so fucked up, I swear I'm not studying with him AGAIN! He doesn't know anything, but making a fool of himself. And I think he's just out to make trouble for me. I can see he's trying to influence me to STOP studying. He thinks I have it all in my head, but no - I know nothing!

Have you met a personality like that in your life?

15 mins before the paper. I still can't absorb anything with him playing the fool. I think I'm dead for sure, I just wanted to be left alone. He wants me to FAIL the paper with him, to do as bad as him. Some friends I have!

I f*ing swear - i'm not going to study with people like this anymore. I had spent the weekend preparing my notes for the subject, until this irritating fellow comes along and makes my day! (I don't care about your feelings - I'm just f* pissed off with what you have done to me. I can't believe how selfish you are! I needed time to revise and u just... I just want to die)

Some things, you've just got to do it on your own. I don't need anybody telling me to relax when I know how to. You'll need stress when the situation arises. I blame myself for not having the foresight, that this would happen.

PTC - one paper WASTED. That one's going down pretty bad.

Ah! I'm done for.

Recovered post. too long.

Lately I've been mumbling to myself, "I hate my life!" And I believe more of it everyday. Put yourself in my shoes, and use the sociological imagination to try to understand.

Quiz week is over and I barely survived. I bombed 2 quizzes out of 3. I'll say it out loudly and proudly: f*. Who the hell imposed on me/us a quiz week! Today I realised I had 2 tutorial pop quizzes. 5 tests in a day, and put my head to rest. I'm swearing all the time!

When I'm not stoning, I'm making a run for it. I'm in the music comm. of choir, had a weekend ARTS camp last week, (attributed to me not having time to study) adding up to my list of duties. I have relationship problems - I don't have a girlfriend... Not that it matters of course. I would certainly abuse her by giving her loads of problems. So.. seek to handle thyself before thou handle thy enemy... I must manage myself capably first.

I must complain about the school! The schoolwork is a burden; they just don't give it a rest. I feel my school fees have been thoroughly misspent. I want more term-time and less rushing in academics. School should be made enjoyable above other things and not a drag!

I'm f*d asking too much. No one listens and shit happens. Well, damn them. I know the reason why people commit suicide. I take sociology, and it's because they can't take it - they can't socialise - they don't adapt to circumstances. Circumstances make it so - and that's just the way the world runs!

I want to make singers out of the ppl in choir. People notice nothing but big gestures in reality. I was throwing a bottle in the air and catching it. You'd make a few misses, but then you'd get the hang of it. Dexterity counts. Practise. Launching the bottle at an angle, begin with the end in mind. Concentrate. You exert more control over the object, rather than fumbling with the inanimate object. Begin with the end in mind. Practise. Feel the weight of the bottle. Feel how the water goes back and forth. Inertia. Launch it, and practise, practise, practise...

and practise makes things perfect.

Visualise things in your head - plans, outcomes, aims. Realise them. One thing after the next. Tick them off the checklist. You've become a planner for life.

Bad week

I suspect this might be the beginning of a lousy week.

On the contrary, I'm afraid to think that way becos it might turn out to be a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY.

I just seriously f*ed up a tutorial. I know it's not the end of the world, but I JUST FEEL DAMN LOUSY. It's like boiling water beneath the surface. Pressure is building up. Beneath a cavern, an icy subterranean lake. I need to let off some steam!

Listening to classical music dissolves some. Writing here expresses cracks on the solid ice surface. Reading my notes, and thinking about the subject draws out my steaming FURY. I'm not depressed! I never expected the type of questions to come out.

It's frustration. How am I supposed to score for this subject?

ARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Expletives won't help.

* * *

I indulge in all the good things in life. What kind of hardship have I known? Eat Ice-cream, must be 'Ben & Jerry'. Home-made sandwiches must have ingredients: lettuce, tomato, ham (except picnic ham) and Cheese (must not be GM). All food must not contain MSG(explicitly stated). Movies, must watch the best - the meaningful ones. Study, must be in a noise free environment. Must pick the best seats in a lecture hall. I'm damn particular...

I can't stop this madness in life. Where will it take me?

'Great expectations' can be used to describe me.

Weirdo.

I went to NYJC's choir concert today; the first I've heard in a long time.

I could never stand for commenting about the songs. I did not hear most of them anyway. I seem to think the ones I sang in were better. This means I'm biased.

I may be sick of hearing the songs tt I sang before. I couldn't decide whether to close my eyes and listen, or to open and find out where the sound is coming from.

Anyway, I felt so diam today that I just kept quiet throughout the concert, and after it. As if I can't find anything to say to old friends.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the concert. It was anti-stress therapy. But I formulated some theories about my relationships.

I scratch my head thinking about shallow relationships and their 'hi-bye' limitations, and of deep, real friends that you can talk to on the same wavelength.

I thought to myself. Don't bother thinking. Just stone. "Don't worry because everything's gonna be all right!" - courtesy of a friend.

My studies are driving me crazy and I can't think of anything else.

Friends drive me crazy too.

===

Well, I got to thank Shanyu for treating me to a free show. :) OOPS.
At first I couldn't recognise you with long hair. Well, I hope you get better soon, and I'm sorry I couldn't pay you for it.

lawrence, yan ming, yan ren, huiling, jason, xuhao... My former classmates. See, I remember all of you! I really didn't expect the turnout. Well, all the best to all in life. Don't know when will we meet again...