Jonathan L. Z-H

Humans are simple creatures

2010-07-08T22:41:00.007+08:00

concerned with the survival of their own species, nothing more. No more noble than others!

- THAT is one of my core beliefs. We exhaust our energies grappling with a myraid of lofty ideas. Running around in circles. Chasing our tails. We may find solutions; another planet to inhabit; or another reality; to aid us in our evolutionary journey, but we'll never run away from the reality of being a Human, and our innate biological needs. Every moment, your soul is screaming 'FEED ME', "Is that all you've got?" "Hell yeah." Recognise these primal instincts. I know them like my best pal.

So stop giving yourself excuses that Humans are more noble than all the other creatures. So condemn domestic abuse, animal abuse, and meat factories. The only thing we are blessed with, is a finite wisdom, a surety of knowledge that has prospered over the generations. Hurt begets hurt. So let be, let's lift our heads up high and hunt for the meaning of our lives (abstractly speaking).

When I close my eyes

2010-07-08T22:35:00.000+08:00

this is what i see.

Project Narrative

2010-06-28T23:01:00.008+08:00

(Edited 19/2/11)

I miss the narratives we used to write in class in my secondary school days. I had the inkling that the passage of time will rid me of many unpleasant things I want to forget via loss of memory, only to be replaced by the fond memorable ones which will grow more vivid.

I wonder what stifled my creativity these days, in my endless pursuit of doing things right and speeding up the way I work. "Wielder of the needle," I call myself.

"The needle speaks the truth, it is unbiased, except when it trades hands..." That's the mantra which I chant in my head, when the fearful patient looks nervously at me as he/she seats down in the chair of fate.

I have suffered numerous defeats and humiliations when my patient groans in pain as I withdrew a needle in failure. I swear most of whatever happens has to do with my own personal skill.

There are several more things I want to write about but I never had the time to expand on these ideas. Perhaps it was the way I organised things.

Note: The stories below are fictitious, incomplete fragments of thoughts for writing practice only. Any resemblance to real-life persons is purely coincidential.

So, in the style of Murakami...

---

#1. GPMG Grilling

I miss my day of shame, as I sat down behind the GPMG as a trainee. The Sergeant grilled me verbally, relentlessly. Faced with the mounting stress and not knowing what to do, tears rolled down my cheeks out of their own volition. But I did not cry or sniffle. This was entirely a stress response. I had to overcome this in front of a peer setting. No tearing. I swear, no tearing.

Rewind back a few months to BMT, I had my day of pride, as I was the fastest runner during one of the training 2.4 km runs. Even my OC gave me a pat on the back. But what's a good runner to do if he can't keep his cool?

***

Interlude

While my thoughts began to meander endlessly back-and-forth, the cogs and wheels began to turn and churn out my amazing thoughts, like a wondrous factory. These excursions of the mind, as I sit down, desk and chair, my primary vehicle to carry me, cruising excessively, a curious child again, through the recesses of my mind.

***

#2. I miss those polytechnic days, where I was glued to the idea that "the one who works himself hardest, shall reap the greatest returns". I miss studying on the bus, buried in my notes, and bored by all that text. I tried to appear uninterested in the attractive girls that walked by down the aisles, and dismiss you as a 'loser' with a little less than a parting glance.

***

#3. Standing Guard, Night-shift

The night was dry outside, and he stood guard at the guardpost as usual, waiting for things to happen. It was 2.30 AM in the morning. The outgoing shift was a dog-tired face, a glowing shade of pale and much-relieved at the sight of his comrade. He checks the battery-life indicator on his walkie-talkie and hands it to me, along with the communal loaded magazine of 5.56 rounds that we might have to use, in the event of any unlikely threat to the base.

"See ya at 8 AM tomorrow"

Without another word, he turns right and heads for the general direction of the guardhouse, where we bunk-in after duty, to restore our rifles back onto the rifle rack. Turning the lock in, we turn around to find our beds laid out like tongues in the seductive darkness. Meanwhile, mother slumber beckons her will enticely. Where we seek her to grant us a good night's rest, before the earth spins faster and throws our slumber plans into disarray, by the noisy racketing of rifles when the morning comes.

I remembered this morning. Or should I say this afternoon, I was swimming in the pool of the sports complex. And so was my head now, swimming. It was a good choice in retrospect. But I'm feeling groggy now. Due to waking up at this kind of unholy hour. I don't feel at all like talking. What should I do? Close my eyes. I rest my hands on my rifle. Sure there's a bud, a partner that can talk to, on this damn shift. Damn. But I'm too tired to express grumpiness.

Yin Zong. This fella was always having the girlfriend issues. He was talking on the phone. Said goodbye, and now sms-ing. What a lousy phone, I thought. It was so old and outdated. Yet it didn't have a camera, like mine did. I let out a faint chuckle within a little corner of my mind. And I thought, hell I must be crazy.

"Hey Jeremy, do you think you're weird?"

"Everyone thinks everyone is weird because they haven't been through what they have been.." I said

"Jeremy, just answer this question - yes or no - do you think you're weird?"

With an infinite patience that seems to grow every minute, I cocked my head sideways to face him.

"No. Why the heck would I think I am weird?"

A long silence ensues. So I look away, and glanced at my rifle. I glanced up and adjusted my jockey cap. What the hell, you're no better yourself... I thought. Yin Zong resumed the reassuring tapping away at his phone, an important message to his girlfriend, or maybe someone else he can find at this hour, I thought. At least he's predictable, unlike the restless wandering in my cranium.

I felt the dampness of the land breeze pass through my nostrils. I listened to my heartbeat thumping steadily in my chest, as I sat hunched on the cold, cheap stool. I switched on the radio on my handphone to help me stay awake and interested in the scenery before me. A long straight road for 200m, then my eyes met a small yellow light that blinked at short intervals. The first line of defense for the base, which reported anything suspicious coming by our way. The light blinked like a floating star above the ground. And So did the light on the walkie talkie.

"Yin Zong.."
"What..."
"Nothing..."

So we entertained ourselves as time passed. I kept a conscious watch for as long as I could, until my eyelids closed upon themselves. The chilly night stole away my consciousness. Time passed. When I returned back to reality, my eyes were open again. So I thought, Holy shit. I just had a waking dream.

***

As the waves tossed below the tower, I lay awake, wondering of the girl that I went out with at the movie. Sure, she's three years older than me, but at least she's takes a genuine interest in my personal well-being (a little later, she got uninterested upon discovering my limits and divergent interests).

***

I've always had the same dream of the scene where Bilbo Baggins chances upon Gollum's precious ring. The two of us buddies out on foot patrol, that one day we might stumble on something seriously bad. But Frodo and Sam always looked out for each other. This characterised my feelings during those NS days.

Merry X'mas

2009-12-24T23:32:00.003+08:00

Not much of a Christmas Cheer this year, but I am satisfied and content thus far.

With HINDSIGHT... I looked through my hotmail inbox (Filled with 168 messages). I have been sending out resumes and applying for jobs with progressive desperation since June 11 2009. I even sent out to my Major Project Supervisor in 2007, Dr Lipovich - he was relocated, back in his country, teaching at some Medical University. Poor me. All the 4 pages filled up with emails sent out to job agencies, adverts, postings... At least 33 emails per page. Work out your math and I have sent out around 123 Emails specifically looking for jobs that could make me earn my keep.

I got lucky. After the barrage of emails, 10 o' clock, September 11 2009, in a HR office at Jalan Bukit Merah, I signed a 2-year contract with SINGHEALTH, to start work for them commencing September 18.. I am thankful that I got here, where I am now. Smelling Blood and Urine... Microscopy, Operating sophisticated machines, meeting all kinds of people, getting philosophical insights about the nature of life, appreciating people, and learning how to work with people of different personalities.

Look at me now, I am happy and generally content with my work.

But my human heart feels lonely - this biological machine feels as if it's missing something - a companion - oil to lubricate the smooth running of the machine everyday. Someone to look forward to meet after work, to share life's joys and sorrows. To appreciate life together in a mutually inclusive state.

I am longing to find that someone. She's got to exist. but for now it's back to work.

Jonathan

2009-10-16T00:06:00.000+08:00

(Updated 15 Oct. Original post dated 23 Jul.)

I've always been impressed by a friend called Jonathan. Jonathan was a choir-mate in secondary school, then he became class-rep for my days in Millenia Institute. Now he's earned a University degree via overseas studies in America. Those days were fleetingly swell. If I were ever to get a respectable English name, it would be Jonathan - for it represents someone who is morally upright, reliable, takes action, and remains loyal to his friends.

* * * HISTORY '09 THUS FAR (POST-NS) * * *

Taiwan trip with CDS Batch 14 platoon-mates (Jun 19 - 25).

Job-hunt anxiety and a few interviews ensued. Life crisis emerges - to pursue which degree - Sports Science or Biomedical Science?

Jonathan was conned by TRUST TUITION AGENCY (TRUST TUITION CENTER) into becoming a Tuition Coordinator (ie. someone that prints his own flyers, gives out to parents waiting outside primary school. Lesson Learnt: (1) Ignore Work-from-Home ads in Classifieds Part-time/ Temporary section. (2) Doing business requires a clear head, and properly done calculations. (3) I do not hold Joshua Koh Fu Beng and Ms Koh in high regard. - ~$220 for 3 months of a poorly maintained Tutor database. They have done me a great disservice.

Chronic pain, tightness in right ankle (post-sprains) made me have 2nd thoughts about sports science.

Jonathan thoroughly enjoyed his 2-day stint as a distributor for the Events Artery, giving out promotional tissues opp. Capitol Mall, Raffles place, to promote the WATSONS CARD. Fond memories, esp of the supervisor, Joselyn who tailed me with the camera... + $60

Jonathan was in CPF Board. From August 17 - Sept 11. Did data entry work with Ching Hau, Ivan, Joyce, Remy, most of the time. Got to know Glenn, m1, m2, m3,.. and Perm-staff Adeline, Yoke Lan, Yoke Chai, Hafiz, Noor Aza, Alan, Patricia... and understood some of the mechanics of office-life. Always joked that I would climb the 37+ storeys of the CPF building to train for Vertical marathon, but didn't have the guts to try. I loved the CPF Building Food on the 34th floor.

One day, I planned a run home after work. I changed to a running singlet and shorts in the toilet, did my stretching on the 30th floor, took the lift down, my attire surprised several office ladies. Stopped after I met an old man who entered the lift, he made some small talk about my running. I replied politely, and remarked I have hardly time to exercise. He exited the lift at a lower level. To my amusement, an office-lady in the lift told me he is a CEO of CPF Board. I said oh, i didn't know... After all, I am just a temp staff there and I couldn't look for a raise or promotion, hahaha.

Received calls from Chinese ppl trying to con me of my money.. Entertained them at first, and was tempted to believe. Fortunately, I got a job offer and decided to ignore them.

* * * 18 Sep 2009 : SGH : Patients at the heart of all we do * * *

Resume: Blood collection, ECG, (more to come?)...

Blood collection IS a richly rewarding challenge. I will never be able to look at a Human arm the same way again.

Serving elderly patients remind me that each day, life is a journey to be cherished. Old men I serve remain humble towards this young inexperienced lad, despite their heyday accomplishments. Today I serve them, and who knows, a young lad (yet unborn still) will serve me and my generation in the future, perhaps using more sophisticated medical equipment then the one i'm using. Maybe I will talk to the young lad, about how I used to do ECG for post-war (The Great War) baby boomers in my 20s. When that day comes, my skin may be shrivelled, rough, and stretchy, with blotchy patches. We all get old.

Reminds me of a moral that a man (anyone born human) was never meant to survive his/her whole life alone, but he/she needs help from his brothers and sisters from time to time. Thus he should be there to help others for the sake of passing on this sacred ritual to ensure our species survival. He feels good inside, that he has done good for a fellow. And who knows, the positive experience noted by the fellow will be related to to his primary contacts, and what goes around, may come around.

I am humbled by the strength in character of some of my colleagues. Namely, their honesty, selflessness, and team-spirit. I am grateful to them for sharing some of their experiences.

my dream job.

Taking stock 120709

2009-07-12T22:14:00.002+08:00

Disorder #1

Unnecessary Burdens - "Today's headlines takes precedence over yesterday's." This is the ideal world everyone wants to live in. For many times, I want to tell myself Today is a brand new day, but a lot of horrible stuff from yesterday just spills over today. It's a little annoying that I can't (1) just loosen up and let go of my burdens. (*) I hate the rigidity of my ideas. I have developed a complex relationship with material stuff. Yesterday's news in my closet, a storehouse for ideas I don't want to lose. But it can be a little stifling as it takes up space...

Disorder #2

Negativity - if it's not chemical, it's psychological. Got to get those neurons firing properly. Positive signals ONLY. If I hear a harmful thought - I'm gonna kill it. Denounce it, dethrone it, squash it like a pest.

Disorder #3

Anger - I must be at peace with myself and disallow my emotions to take control. The logical person reigns.

* * *

I have been pondering incessantly about my destiny, but it has not grown obsessive. I've been letting it go - be it the leisurely cycle, the personal 2.4 time trial, the resume-editing, and the thoughts over a job advert.

Well, I've applied for some jobs thus far. And I really gonna get one to prove to myself that I can. (Hmm. Maybe I should just tell myself I can.) Then I should make time for other things I want to do. No wait. There's the income factor. I can't ask for sponsorship for Kayaking course, Martial arts course, etc.. I need to stop by the "Time for $$$ Trap" for some quick bucks.. Cash. I need the cash.

And I really need to make time to read my books, and learn some skills.

Fleet Foxes Mykonos

2009-07-09T21:36:00.001+08:00

I fully endorse this band bcos it rocks.

Lyrics for Mykonos (as interpreted by chutzpah, retrieved fr http://songmeanings.net)

The door slammed loud and rose up a cloud of dust on us
Footsteps follow, down through the hollow sound, torn up

And you will go to Mykonos
With a vision of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made

How did any holes in the snow tipped pines, I find
Hatching from the seed of your thin mind, all night?

And you will go to Mykonos
With a vision of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made

Brother you don't need to turn me away
I was waiting down at the ancient gate

You go
Wherever you go today
You go today

I remember how they took you down
As the winter turned the meadow brown

You go
Wherever you go today
You go today

When I walking brother don't you forget
It ain't often you'll ever find a friend

You go
Wherever you go today
You go today
[x8]

How has NS changed you?

2009-06-01T18:33:00.004+08:00

period of serving NS:

That a person can produce too many thoughts in a day. and there must be a filter to remove toxic thoughts from the consciousness.
- Negativity is detrimental to health
- one must be equipped with the correct attitude/mindset.
- one must set realistic goals and work towards one goal at a time.

That hardware can be extremely valuable but one must reduce himself to zero hardware to cope with times of crisis.

Mr Rahmat of TPY Cash Converters has a tough life as a store manager. Age over 50 plus, yet he has to meet the demands of 1000 over customers each weekend. I met him one Saturday afternoon when I bought a 29" Philips TV for the Guardhouse. In a long-sleeved shirt and tie, he had to carry a TV and several other bulky items that customers ordered, and smile when interacting w/ customers.
- Be humble in life, for everyone has his own share of challenges to face, and
- we should look after each other when possible.

Being Different.

2009-01-11T19:13:00.003+08:00

Hm. Maybe I'm destined to be a Hermit. But being alone for the weekend don't seem so bad as I thought. I'm not smiling to myself half-the-time, but my burdens have got lighter, bcos I'm not impulsively running outdoors cos I feel like it. No longer running outside to meet friends. Now I do things differently, I see things differently! I'm eradicating all my false and unrealistic assumptions. If I just allocate a given amount of time alone, and for friends, I may begin to see the light after all. :P

Avocadoes RULE DA WORLD!

2009-01-10T22:10:00.002+08:00

Well-written article:

"The Little Green Avocado Book also states that an acre of avocado trees can yield more food than an acre of any other tree crop. Imagine the ecological implications--a perfectly healthful “meaty” food which requires 1/200th or less of the acreage needed by the cattle industry for a comparable yield in pounds, posing no pollution problems--and no carnage! Worried about mad cow disease?--eat raw avocados, seeds and nuts and stay sane and mentally keen! "

http://www.living-foods.com/articles/avocadoarticle.html

I enjoyed the raw avocado today. ^_^

Purely a Ridding process

2009-01-10T19:11:00.002+08:00

Q1. What kind of career would you consider? (refer to Q2)
A1: Journalism, Environmentalist, Physical-Trainer, Veterinary, Lab Technician, Film-making, Hospitality and Tourism.

Follow-up
a) what kind of qualifications are required for the job?
b) Do you think you can handle the job on a long term basis?

Q2. What kind of career don't you wish to pursue?
A2: Butcher, Fisherman, NS, Salesman, IT Technician, Engineer, Teacher, Singer, Clerk, Business, Researcher.

Currently it all boils down to realistic expectations.

Psycho-pictography

2008-12-21T22:31:00.002+08:00

I'm reading this book by Vernon Howard upon recommendation by a friend. I think I really needed it, so I took up the recommendation. After all, it's not true that everyone can cope with rejection as it comes. It's not something to be glorious about. But the real me doesn't think I should just cover it up as a vulnerable spot.

I'm just thinking over it. Although I'm trying not to think about the crisis for the moment. Really, I can't blame anyone, except for myself and how I controlled my emotions.

If no one cheers me on...

2008-12-14T09:54:00.004+08:00

It is always a challenge to scrape together my thoughts to cough up a reflection of my current life. Even more challenging is finding joy at the dull lack of milestones in my life. In contrast, the newspaper, which involve collective human experiences is much more interesting. Asking a girl out becomes a challenge, second to asking a friend out. Then there's always the basal dread of long-term commitments towards my goals and ambitions. I wonder why often, I inevitably find myself -freaking hell- worrying about today, and not enjoying my life to the fullest. Yes, I'm sulking here. My little hiding place.

Meanwhile, I have got things to do (On my own). I have gotten all too comfortable in my current life - it's easy to get depressed. If no one will encourage me on, at least I can conjure up an imaginary friend (light a match like the matchstick girl) that says with a little voice: "C'mon ZH, it's only a quarter in your life journey. You've GOT to pull up your socks!!"

Embrace your dreams. do not leave room for doubt

2008-12-03T23:14:00.001+08:00

it's funny, bcos sometimes i hate the text i'm just hammering right down.

I REALLY HATE MY STYLE OF WRITING. A read of past entries, just make me want to puke, vomit-blood, slap my thigh and laugh hysterically.

It's just the BLATANT LACK OF CAPS, and PHOTOS amid the sterile text. The text is lost, and longs to cling for the mother picture. The text is raw material that has no fixed form. It does not crawl to a Stop. It travels nowhere. And it suffers relentless abuse from your eye-gazing, your restless cursor - just stop - hovering - over me right now, or I'll - get angry. . . *there's no point in this entry*

and so it ends

TOKYO!

2008-11-20T00:06:00.002+08:00

Last evening, I watched TOKYO! a film of 3 shorts, Interior Design by Michel Gondry.

The first film held my attention considerably. It was about a young woman, whom under dire circumstances, gains the ability to turn into a chair. Driving outside in the rain, the female protagonist Hiroko with her director boyfriend are looking for a place to stay in Tokyo. They put up temporarily at her friend's small apartment. A series of pressurising events follow as they look for a place to stay with little success. The boyfriend takes up a gift-wrapping job to pay a parking fine, and meanwhile their car and filming equipment are towed away. After a screening of the film, Hiroko finds herself a liability as 'the girlfriend' as the boyfriend gets his shot at fame.

Merde was a rather eccentric film, showing how an eccentric character can inject mass mayhem onto the streets of Tokyo. This disgustingly foul, bearded man with a milky eye emerged from the sewers, walking in an uncharacteristic gait grabbing anything in his path. He was captured subsequently with draggy court proceedings. The effect on the masses were pro-merde and anti-merde groups that were reminiscent of human rights activists. And a possible sequel? Oh No!

Shaking Tokyo is about the life of a hikikomori and how he decides to go after a pizza end delivery girl one day, only to find out that she's another hikikomori. This strange subculture is explored in detail. I can't believe ppl can lead such sad, antisocial lives. And only in the advent of a disaster, such as an earthquake, be temporarily awakened to reality.

Viva la Vida (or what it actually means)

2008-10-07T19:37:00.010+08:00

I am selectively lifting responses to the Coldplay lyric from the website: http://www.metrolyrics.com/viva-la-vida-lyrics-coldplay.html.

ouhhh (061008):
"Viva la vida" doesn't mean "Live your life" only. In fact "Viva la Vida" a Spanish phrase (I know it because I'm Spanish) also means "Go life!" I don't know how to express it correctly, but it is something like "life rocks!" or "C'mon Life", something like you are cheering the life, (using the personification literal expression)

I also think that this song is related to the french revolution basing on the album's cover, a painting in where we can see "Liberty" which is the most famous painting representing "french freedom"

I think that Coldplay is using this french revolution metaphor to express that it doesn't care how powerful you are or you think you are, because everyone has an end and for everyone there is a time where everything changes, and what can seem secure and unchangeable, of course it can turn around.

Like I've reflected before..

ouhhh (061008):
This song not about fear of not going to heaven or being turned down (its too optimistic), nor about any particular king or other ruler who lost his power.
First read the lyrics well, than hear the way he sings and read the title.
This song contains a story told by (kind of) a generalized case of human who believed that he has a power and did something that caused him being hurt and proven that the power was just an illusion. But the moral of the song is that after such a mental catastrophy, one should discover that ruling the world is not really necessary to have a good life and just enjoy the life. This is what the title says. Viva la vida means "live your life", be free and happy.
See what the fourth verse of the refrain starts with:
"And that was when I ruled the world" turns to "But that was when I ruled the world". 'But' is important because it suggests that the speaker no longer thinks the way he did before, he wants to separate himself from who he was before. He discovered that life is great without ruling the world and that is why he is singing so happily.

poliklosio (061008):
If you want to move on and relate the song to an average human's life, this is also a good metaphor of maturing, leaving the adolescense.

Crono (021008):
... this song is not about Napoleon. It's not about any particular factual ruler or king. He didn't "sweep the streets" of his own country, but died in exile on an island. This song is about the fall of a man that used to be on top of the world. It's not a Christian song or religious song by any means, but it is a song of a fallen leader. Napoleon is just one example, and this song could be applied to many throughout history and even some contemporary men that have fallen...

...the Saint Peter reference in the song is from a Catholic belief, not a Christian one (yes, there is a difference). No where in the Bible does it say that Peter is a gatekeeper in heaven. Even if he were to be one, he isn't one now, because he is "asleep" awaiting the resurrection of the righteous, as are all the other men and women who died in Christ.

gray7 (041008):

Never liked Coldplay which is confusingly me slightly as I love this song. Am a bit disturbed by the Christians claiming it though. Suspect the St Peter reference is ironic - he's not going to call any of our names as he doesn't exist - but Cronos is spot on about Napoleon. He might have woken up alone on Elba but he certainly wasn't sweeping the streets - were there any? - and Marie Antoinette ditto who was executed rather than put to some useful public service such as street sweeping. (Sorry, have a history degree. Know this stuff). Being a fellow Brit I suspect Mr Martin like most of us doesn't do God but likes his religious, historical and political references being a bit posh and very well educated. Got to go with the Cronos analysis that it's about someone who was on top and then screwed up. Ideally a short selling hedge fund manager who's now bankrupt. As James put it a decade ago: 'Now I've swung back down again it's worse than it was before. If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor'!

***

It's nice to read how other people feel about songs in general (cryptic lyrics by RH seem to get everyone guessing). Lyrics shouldn't be taken too literally - like those romantic love songs. The way the lyrics are delivered in song breathes meaning into the overall message. Kudos to the reflections contributed by the above. I especially agreed with those points italicised. In my own interpretation (the video included), the song toys with the idea that fame, power, good things in our lives (and that of our lives) are transient - see the physical disintegration of the band members @ the end of the video - and one has to be prepared to be able to face bad times, when the tide turns.

Coldplay lyrics have been more subtle and comprehensible. I won't be surprised if Mrs Martin had a helping hand in the affair.

***

The most in-your-face Anti-Bush, Anti-War video. Politicians frolicking in fun, while the bloodletting is being carried out in the Middle-East. Very misleading though - that politicians lead good lives. Nobody wants to take on the role of the bad guy - but going by the train of rational thought, the war and occupation in Iraq is justifiable to liberate the oppressed people there. You can't just stand by the sidelines and ignore atrocities being carried out by tyrants, terrorist groups. Hence, being evil to eliminate a greater evil is justifiable, for the protection of personal interest and the maturity of mankind. What if celebrities that opposed war were asked to take on the Presidential term? They must know there are flipsides to the choice of peace. Rock bands should tone down their take on international politics, especially if they are not exposed to those kind of diplomatic relations 24/7. It's no easy job of responsibility, so of course letting your hair down is justifiable. This kind of anti-Bush propaganda is both defamatory and misleading, especially to those youth that are not well-read about international politics.. Mr Martin should use his fame responsibly to promote good causes, and not make any personal attacks.

2008-10-05T18:12:00.004+08:00

I had a dream I was in a nightmarish landscape. With black, dark clouds of apocalypse above me, but the sun still shone through in little specks. I could see the rays of the sun, yellow, orange, crimson lines that pierce the matter, the space, until it becomes uncertain, where the ray has travelled to, where the piercing end of the ray has touched. The light has illuminated two figures. Meanwhile, The strings played in the background, an apocalyptic tune on the minor key. change chord, gets higher up by a fifth (or a few tones). It was a picturesque landscape which wasn't original. It was extracted from an anime and the matrix. It was the setting for a major confrontation of two people who were close, but were in trying circumstances, that threaten to upset the balance of the world.

Expectations, Hopes & Fears.

2008-09-18T22:10:00.003+08:00

The last word is in the negative sense that I would not dwell upon. ZH does not fear. He is invincible. at least he thinks he is.

Mounting 7d duty is f***ing crazy in every sense. Of course, not to say that we screw up on the job without fail. But the boredom and trepidation that follows with the expectation of 'what-if'. 'What if' something were to happen, that threatens the security of the base I'm guarding. 'What if' there was a bomb threat... 'What if' war broke out in the region. It IS a HEAVY WEIGHT to BEAR on your SHOULDERS. I feel tired as my work days is 7 days per week. I'm going to miss the Singapore Biennale, other activities, and I can't pursue weekend activities (e.g. studies or enrichment activities). I feel like a bird in a cage!

Then our superiors have high expectations of how we carry out our work. Seriously, how would you feel if the company is under-staffed and the hours are long? And on our resting days are organised live firing practices of outdated weapons, and over-strenuous Physical training with unrealistic expectations of your men. The cramming of our schedule on training days, in result, cheats us of our freedom to take leave.

Don't expect me to love thy unit and thy duty. Two words for you. F.. you....

Proof ?

2008-08-10T23:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel the army screws up your life big time. Especially in a 7d in-camp, then 4d training workday (8 to 5) system. It is seriously screwed up. My acapella group is in dissolution now. sigh. well, YT, never expected you to give me false hope.

While my mood is in a down, knowing that we might never meet again, it's hard to think positively... let me grieve pls...

hahahaha..... and n ow you see me smiling.

I know it's not the end. I tell myself it's not the end. It's just a phase. I know it ain't practical to schedule myself for this acapella thing too. It's too heavy on me. I know it's heavy for you guys too. So I'm not blaming anyone. Such is our fate. Would it be that we were best friends from the same choir, sharing the same dream in making music, popularising themes, and providing entertainment, and artistic insight to the masses. However, currently, my DREAM IS BUT A DROP OF FUEL FOR MY NIGHTMARE.

AND INSANITY TAKES FLIGHT!! =(

I KNOW..
I KNOW
I KNOW what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna run away from it all.

Running away from your troubles is the classic way. Each of us has to run down the mountain to meet our maker, like how we climbed up the mountain with our maker's blessings. (NOTICE I REFER TO GOD AS OUR MAKER)

I'm always thinking about GOD, the big question, because I want to know why I am here. AND I'M CERTAIN MY MAKER WAS INSTRUMENTAL IN THE CREATION OF LIFE (AND THE ARROGANT HUMAN RACE) - MOST OF US, GREW TOO PROUD FOR OURSELVES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE ROOTS OF OUR HUMBLE ORIGINS. TO REFUTE THE EXISTENCE OF A MAKER WOULD BE FOOLISH, because an infinite existence of God (and the guises of other deities/immortals) are imperceptible to us living in the finite dimension. TO REFUTE THE EXISTENCE OF MIRACLES IS FOOLISH, FOR THERE IS MUCH WE DO NOT KNOW.

YET - YET - ONE IS INEVITABLY TRAPPED IN THE STRUGGLE OF FORCES THAT LEAD HUMANS ASTRAY FROM THE TRUTH, THEY SAY "SATAN" TRAPS MAN IN EVIL WAYS, AND GOD IS HOLINESS - GOODNESS, SHOWING THE TRUTH OF THE WORLD AND LIFESTYLE THAT MAN SHOULD LEAD.

Who can be sure? but there is definitely a God.. Don't expect me to believe atoms, the electrons, neutrons, and charges came from nowhere, from emptiness. Not wondrous ways, and not a miracle of God.

Songs and Feelings

2008-08-10T22:53:00.002+08:00

Reflecting on my current feelings, I feel my life ought to be documented into a novel. It may be a life like any other, filled with boring periods of individual reflection and studies. Yet there are fleeting, enjoyable moments of social activity that just leave me craving with an empty stomach when they're gone. I think I can identify myself in a mood-swing. One minute, I'm listening to the negative melodic metal band, the next, some dance track...... No. This could be a result of my reflex positive correction. In fact, I corrected myself positively, instead of letting my mind linger on the negative thoughts and songs.

Eureka! I realise I can change the way I think! Probably by simply choosing to be positive and stop dwelling on negative thoughts. I can be content with what I have, and stop thinking about that which is not mine. And you can play with your own mind, if you know what perks you up. Sometimes you just need to F***ING HELL WAKE UP YOUR IDEA!! =)

My dream's but a drop of fuel for a nightmare

The walls of night have left me scarred
the broken glass I stepped on, twice.
the ardent spirits' rusty edge, decapitate me...

Believe the dreams that let you sleep
the broken glass you need to sweep
The book you read; if you found an explanation
to help you in any way,
you are your own prison.

When I listen to metal, I often impose my personal anguish into it, typical of the song style. I use it as a medium to convey my emotions, otherwise repressed. I'm not saying it's a good thing. There's a limit to how far you should express them.

And now I'm listening to MISIA... in her eighth world album. feels like 7th heaven to me.

The trappings of the mind!!!

2008-07-13T00:38:00.004+08:00

Review of Le Marche de Emperor (March of the Penguins).

Likes
1) Hallmark factual documentary on Penguin's mating season.
2) Showed the fact that Penguins behave in a similar fashion to humans. The viewer can empathise with the feelings of the animals.
3) Showed examples of reproductive successes and failures
4) Showed that Penguines are also prone to emotions (e.g. grief, joy of freedom)

Disliked
1) New-age lyrical music gives me the goosebumps.
2) Portrays Penguins' reproductive journey as quasi-religious, (which may for a fact be true).
3) The artificial scripts can be too imaginative sometimes.
4) Penguins' cry reminiscent of "The Call of the Ktulu" (Don't read that book.)

***

The Cola Wars (Modern Marvels)

http://www.surfthechannel.com/info/documentaries/Modern_Marvels/69139/13x43+The+Cola+Wars.html?aid=73911

***

Sometimes, I will have this unspeakable urge to write, because of the inability to convey my thoughts to anyone. My thoughts are always inadequate on the subject or incoherent to form a whole. And I know I seldom win in arguments, unless I have a deep conviction that I am right.

Oh Stranger, ignore the last three emo sentences addressed to thin air - myself.

WALL-E, the foolish robot falls for EVE. And is giving me a hard time playing the movie companion on my PSP. The scrap-collecting robot scoops up thrash, and compresses them into "junk-cubes". The junk cubes are stacked into towers. This in perspective, is hardly environmental-friendly, as the junk to be sorted is not returned back to the earth. Hence the desert wasteland, sandstorms. The name BNL (By 'n Large) Corporation which employs WALL-E robots, has an apt name for handling by-products and Bulky waste. At the rate we're using stuff, this is am ugly future we can anticipate

PALM OIL KILLS CHIMPS.. I'm seriously missing the environmental activist.

and Red Cliff is a good movie. I'm going to expand this post if I have time...

2008-07-03T23:09:00.002+08:00

Local Bands/Talent I endorse:

Max Shanti
The Observatory
Leslie Low
The Great Spy Experiment
Joi Tsai (the butterfly sung)

Electrico (I've only heard a few songs)

Allegiance to myself

2008-07-01T22:38:00.003+08:00

The other day I was just ranting about the Christian culture in Singapore. But I picked up a nugget in my subconscious mind that says, "no more". In which Jesus said to his disciple, who attacked the Roman soldiers, that there will be no more of this (bloodshed). The nugget has profound meaning in context that we can explore. To me, it means if you see evil being carried out, you will choose not to endorse it, and - going one step further - do everything in your power to bring about the triumph of good over evil.

Most of us have an idea what evil is. Satan is the embodiment of evil (ie. endorses evil deeds). To choose to sin (do bad deeds) is falling under the influence of evil. Satan is not something to be feared, but to be despised.

I relate to this while making my choices over matters. 21 years of age has increased the stakes and responsibilities over making choices. I hope this wisdom never leaves me, that I would still be in touch with God, or an inner sense of righteousness, in my darkest hour.

* * *

Videos that have reallly mind-f*ed me. The vulgar term we soldiers use, means playing with your mind. these are the life-changing videos that have been making me think about universal accountability.

1. The movie "Ironman"
2. www.storyofstuff.com
3. Youtube - Overfishing
4. TED's Silicon Valley CEO Global Warming talk
5. TED's British Scientist on Longevity (how to cure Ageing)
6. International Academy of Lymphology
7. Night talk with Dr Willie Smiths on Red Orangutans

I'm not fully buying some of this stuff. Because they have made me raise eyebrows many times.

I tried to recall the exclusive afternoon talk by Sydney Brenner 2 years ago... I'm sure I still have notes. That's all.

2008-06-29T22:28:00.002+08:00

Arcangelo Corelli

CONCERTO GROSSO IN D, OP. 6/1 (3): LARGO
ORCH. OF THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT CATHERINE MACKINTOSH (c)

*Love* - the sombre intensity of that baroque violin piece... Listening to Symphony 92.4 FM is like falling in love many times over. (-: <3 The violin weeps pure emotion.

and follow-up to it:

Louis Spohr

DOUBLE QRT NO. 3 IN E MINOR, OP. 87 (2) ACADEMY OF ST MARTIN- I(N THE FIELDS)

wasn't half-bad. Justsounded like a suitable complement to the violin in the previous..

It becomes increasingly difficult for me to escape the trappings of my mind... Yet as the mind wanders astray, it only revolves around me in an orbit.. Was it ever necessary for one's relationship with God to be one of everlasting worship?

Young Christians seem to be enforcing their own assumptions about God, whom in their idea, is ever-pleased with their weekly tributes of hour-long rock concerts... It's increasingly difficult to accept the shades of gray in which they see as the norm; and the different personalities around you threatening to recruit you as one of them. I would imagine myself, surrounded by a huge strawberry jelly syrup. Although sweet it may be, and nutritious, once you are swallowed inside - you become one of them, another collective in the Jelly.

I can't deny the openness of my heart only tinges with suspicion, when the pastor makes us repeat stuff in a collective (frightening) manner - but well, proves that we are a social group and none of us is alone. It makes me kind of freaked o ut sometimes, but I know that I'm not losing myself. Hence, now, supposedly in line with my objectives, I'll set forth from my nest again, knowing that when I feel weak, I could always immerse myself in the nurturing environment of church. It's practical, but selfish of me.

I'm reading Chp 3 of The Food Revolution -- on the environment.

2008-06-16T05:13:00.002+08:00

The Lonely One *

*Taken from TIME magazine

Dag Hammarskjöld was a man almost nobody knew. His diary, Markings, published three years after his death (TIME, Oct. 23, 1964), surprised even his close associates, for it showed that the brilliant economist, banker, and Secretary-General of the U.N. was a mystical man, unfathomed during his lifetime, constantly tortured by self-doubt and despair.

Divided Opinion

2008-06-13T21:55:00.006+08:00

An assimilation of information from 1) people offering their opinions, 2) interviews with friends.

People who tell me they don't believe - that's your problem! Now, don't try to sway my opinion.

I suppose, if I have a lot of friends that believe, I would tend to think I'm not alone. But thanks to YT, who says, "Don't follow the crowd, you'd know better than that...." (in referral to my regret at studying a Diploma in Biotechnology, because the Minister recommended it) And I relate it to the pastor who mentioned the whispers in the crowd, that were driven from the amazement of Jesus' miracles. The question is, whether YT is part of the crowd, that I choose not to listen to. Perhaps my brother and those advising me to consider carefully taking up Christianity as my religion are the whispers in the crowd.

YT, it's almost unnatural, but sometimes, I wonder if I feel a rush of love for what you are doing for me. No matter how remote or minute your actions are, I am at least 50% under your influence. And you can say I trust you, not merely because we're friends, but because what you've revealed to me recently regarding saving our planet and environment - makes a whole lot of sense to me - and I feel it's only right for us, as stewards, to contribute not to the destruction of our planet, but provide upkeep, and promote the awareness of the state of our planet.

Not just YT though. My friend's mom, she's advising me on her multi-religious Buddhist cocktail spanning the prophets of various religions - i.e. Jesus Christ, Prophet Mohammed, Siddharta Bodhivista (that Buddha guy), Confucious, Mother Guan Yin - all being messengers of the same God. And hence there is still only one GOD, and Unright of Christians to claim God - or the biblical scriptures, fragments of God's word - for themself. And she's taught me several aspects of being vegetarian. That we can expect a more peaceful death in the coming. That the prayers you devote yourself in worship, are not needed, and do little, by being vaguely mystical, too mysterious.

A Vandread philosophy brought out the thought that: God doesn't want anything of us, we've been created by God because he loves us, not for us to make sacrifices in the form of offerings. I reflected in reality: "not for us to devote too much time to worship him. But to spend time to bear fruit."

***

The culture of Youth Impact - Youth for Christ - is sporting and fun. I've just been called to attend one of their activities, that might last 8 hours. Now, Come to think of someone who's just taking their break from a mounting week. I am seeking some time for solace. I can't do this. Right now, I just want to say, I can't do this. Succumb to peer pressure, I may, this time. I'm just hoping that someone who cares is listening. If God won't listen, if Jesus Christ won't listen, I hope someone does.

7 days on duty, putting my duty @ first priority, taking in criticism and scathing criticism - I'm sick and tired of doing what I have to do. I need some quality me time.

I want to absorb the good qualities of others, and banish my vices. And that's maybe why I go to church.

Questions

2008-06-03T21:03:00.003+08:00

A general restlessness stirs me every now and then.

Could this be it - ?

1. Getting involved in Christianity (serving a greater cause, and securing a way to heaven)?

Humbling myself to the higher order, acknowledging the presence of a Creator; and dropping all my egos and pretenses in front of others; my arrogance... as a mere man... destined for... worship. I wish I could... but I can't do it. I'm too arrogant to humble myself. It makes me vulnerable and insecure.

And if you are turning away from Church, means you are turning away from God? And away from God you go, to the Clutches of Satan? God wants you to make a choice, but it seems like a rhetoric, if the God's word in Christianity is the only accepted one as truth. I do not wish to believe that Buddhists, Catholics, Hindus, Moslems, Taoists are under the influence of Satan. It's part of the convenant made with God to see the world in his word.

"There shall be no other Gods before you"

I admit my reasons for going to Church are inclusive of secondary ones, like forging friendships or social connections, ridding the loneliness that gnaws in the empty spaces of the mind.

Somehow though, reading the bible has such lasting effect, it makes me ponder aloud in my mind, seeming as if God was really talking to me : "Oh ye, of little faith..." Yet I wish it wouldn't be so artificial sometimes, I wish I didn't analyse things and say.. oh, you know, that's because you've read it, and it triggered a response of thought that goes along those lines.. I wish God would prove himself to me and show me the right way, rather than subject me to the trial of choosing among religions. This overzealous worship, I feel sometimes, might be exactly what it is. I am filled with doubt during service - does all worship and prayers make one wholesome enough to adopt an insulation attitude towards one's work? I wish they would just cut down on the worship, cause I don't believe God is an Emperor, who fills heaven with riches, and enjoys hearing the worship session while people and animals on earth Are Suffering. and look we're just doing nothing-but-singing in the meantime and pouring our minds into prayers... In my current level of faith, I'm not convinced.

James, you said that the process to becoming a Christian was a gradual transformation. I agree, I've actually changed parts of my thinking because of God's word. However, I find it hard to agree with some of the things that Christians do. It might not be a lifetime relationship of Church visits for me.

2. Getting involved in being Vegetarian (and join the Buddha group)?

3. Applying for a Diploma in Mass Communication (dreams to be one of the writers for our daily newspaper)?

4. Sticking by my Acapella group through thick and thin (dreaming of glamour, rather than creating cool, heartfelt music?)

5. Forgetting about tinkering with musical instruments?

6. Buying the correct DVD... and making all the other choices.. Dear me.

A dangerous way to live...

2008-05-01T20:32:00.002+08:00

even during NS life, the prospect of not stock-taking at the end of each day is growing on me. I find myself simply waiting for the duty week to pass... And this is a dangerous way to live - or to waste your life. The protagonist in Norwegian Wood is about a good-for-nothing (as far as halfway through the book), who has wasted half of his life as a drifter, unable to get up after a hard fall.

Who knows, sooner or later, I might be regrettably found dead in an accident. No need to repress the thought - it is a possibility that can happen to anyone. Say when higher forces have grown tired of you, and decide it's time to chuck your piece off the chessboard... And when the time comes to die, I should be ready - to have found myself leading a fulfilled life, on very personal terms of course.

Anyway, those were some of the thoughts animals might have if they were domesticated, then one day sent to the slaughterhouse. After reading Diet for a New America, I felt cheated all my life, being shown only half the facts of our association with the animal-kingdom and mother nature. The meat taken from a dead animal, now looks grotesque and monstrous to touch, not to mention feed. What a sacrifice the animals were put into. In Robbin's words, "Eating should be a pleasurable activity" and not one tainted by blood and suffering of a fellow living being. The conscience is now crying out at me. Poor creatures. They are aware, they are intelligent, and they are suffering - just that we can't speak their language. And it's tough now our tyranny in factory farming, cattle ranching, and meat campaigns will bring about the planet's demise.

2008-04-21T23:20:00.002+08:00

maybe I shouldn't read the Murakami novels. The content explored in these novels are, though heartfelt, far too frivolous. It's just like reading Maxim.

Have you ever wondered if you were ready for death?

It's not a case of suicidal thoughts, but the stream of events playing into your consciousness seem far too smooth to be real. It's too predictable... this life here in Singapore. We're viable bacteria growing at the centre of the colony, far too sheltered from external influences in the culture medium. But if the world ends, our single-cell biological system will be plunged into chaos first...

Damn. A single thought gives rise to a rapid succession of thoughts. You can sense the disorientation in my analogies.

I am going to need some good reading material and I need to stick to my goals. Out.

Traumatised

2008-04-19T23:06:00.004+08:00

Really traumatised just now. Me, James and Khong Guan, were walking to the Bus-stop along Bukit Timah Road, gazing at the monkeys.

"Look, monkeys!" I can't remembered who said that.

"Oh how cute" -- Yeah, I'm a guy who says such things. Really, they looked amiable.

The grey brown creatures were playing on the greeny slope on the side of the road. As we passed by, they stopped to gaze at us, and us at them. Khong Guan took out his camera handphone.

"Damn, can't take a good shot... can't focus..."

"Don't take pictures of them! Last time one of 'em was on the railing... chased me and almost clawed me." said James.

Two young girls of secondary school age were walking towards us from the opposite direction. One of them was taking pictures of the monkey ahead with a black camera handphone.

Khong Guan carries on taking pictures, while we stood there and eyeballed the monkey of interest.

"I wish I could take video..."

We walked over to the next monkey, while the girls had just passed behind us. The monkey sat there sitting on the slope, behind a small broken branch, facing us. Another monkey ahead of us made a sudden movement that grabbed our attention. With a few bounds, it leapt swiftly over to the sitting monkey, turned him/her around, stood up, and grabbed the first monkey's ass to reveal a pink strip of flesh, and started a movement that seemed like he was thrusting energetically into the monkey's backside.

This continued over a few seconds, as we gaped in shock. The monkey stopped as sudden as he started, and turned around to look at us. I was observing in distaste. It had completely dissolved the cuteness in monkey appreciation, and completely ruined my impression of the monkeys.

"Ee... Look what the monkey is doing.."

I looked back the path we had travelled from to see the two girls observing the monkeys now, with curious interest. I think I had urged the others to walked on. It was barbaric, and absolutely disgusting..

"See, ZH, they are not as pure and innocent as you think they are. That monkey was smiling as he did it" James chuckled. James was telling me that the first monkey is a male.

Omg.. it's so R21... I thought.

Horny monkeys. Gay horny monkeys... *shudder*

Genesis?

2008-04-19T22:01:00.003+08:00

how did the universe began?

Science pin-points it to the big bang, ultimately, which began time in the universe. From what I understand, a rapid expansion, from which shot out the worlds that would become. Then physics explains, there were stars that burned the fuel of creation. There was gravity, which might have played a role in the process. And the stars burned to breathe life to the dancing matter in space.

An even more abstract - In the beginning, there was light. And certainly nothing further we need to know, or question? We'll take a break for commercial dialogue...

A: Hallo Bravo! Good day to you. How do you do?
B: ... Good day to you, Alpha. Rise and shine, the weather is fine...

A: ... (at loss for words)
B: ...

A: Say what do you think of the TV programme just now?
B: ... Well, it was interesting. (scowl) It talked about the creation of the universe...

A: I like totally agree with the scientific explanation dude. Stephen Hawking, that guy, had it all explained in a documentary, about the nature of the big bang, you know - it's a grand shebang in science? Haha!
B: ... Yeah, that's quite true.. But I beg to differ...

A: Why? Let's hear your thoughts.
B: ... From what I know, God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh day...

A: ... (frowns and raises questioning eyebrow)
B: ... Yeah

A: ... (hesitates, and begins slowly) God said in the beginning there was light.
B: Uh-huh.

A: ... Well, I don't think that is the case. For in the beginning, there was probably darkness, before the stars came out!
B: ... (snorts) You are making an assumption of somebody turning on the room light switch while you're resting in bed in the middle of the night. That is a wholly human assumption. This is the universe we are talking about here.

A: ... Okay, okay! Then how can you be certain what darkness is if there wasn't light in the first place?
B: ... Maybe there has always been light in the universe, as far as anyone can tell.

A: ... If there wasn't light, there wouldn't be darkness.
B: ... but the converse is not true.

B: I tell you, the big-bang is way overrated.. What of the big-bang? Many compressed particles simply drifted and suddenly charge towards each other head on, with extreme impunity. Kamikaze! and BOOM!...

A: ...
B: ... Ah... my point is what gave rise to the Big-bang? There has to be a director behind this epic movie.

A: ... We refer to him as the Creator.
B: Aye, the Lord God, Kami! The creator. The Lord God made them all.

A: All creatures great and small... (completes)
B: ....

B: Hmm... The moment we come to this world, we are borned into light. The light of the sun. It says of our world, but not of the universe.
A: I'm not sure. What are the chances?

B: (frowns) In the beginning..
A: ... there was light... (finishes)

A: ... because there wasn't a need in the bible to give a damn about darkness.
B: ... Really?

A: ... Yeah, probably. God doesn't need to let us know all of his intricate thoughts, or we'll be so disturbed, we'll stray from the path and purpose he originally intended for us, for our lives.
B: ... So that is why people are so troubled when we play with our human genes...

A: ... No, that's not true. God intended to make them play with genes... We are smart, in God's image. Maybe he wanted us to become responsible and mature enough, and that it would mean no harm to his plans.
B: ... And we're just subjected to the fates and destinies of the Almighty, huh?

A: ... Yeah. Big-Big Brother is watching.
B: ...

I've gotta read Sophie's world again and find the answer to that question. It's slipping away from my memory. And sad thing is, things are preventing me from being 100% good at studying. Oh.. I want to taste the fruit of knowledge.

Afutadaku

2008-04-10T17:36:00.009+08:00

This morning, Shir0i informed me about the prospect of receiving notice, the outcome of my application into two of Singapore's major Universities. Yes, after two months of wait, or 5 duty cycles, I was finally going to know what the hell was I destined for, or where I might be going after my mediocre stint in National Service. I have little optimism regarding the outcome - I can't tell you right now.

I just feel damn old now, because I realise, I'm turning twenty-one this year. It's just so traumatic I need to join a social support group. =(

Throughout my 7 days of isolation into a particular society of males (no complaint about them), I expressed a dire need to stay in touch with my inner soul, and my life's goals. Thanks to YT, I am actively in pursuit of my own well-being. I am learning how to prepare good chicken soup by working hard and being good to myself. If there was ever such a proverb. I believe I'm slowly being led to my destiny. =)

I swear I am still hearing and singing J.S. Bach's "Nunn komm der Heidan Heilandt" in my head, or in the shower. A tune I downloaded from choir 3 years ago, as a result of over-practising. I sort of do it to impress friends, that I'm a dramatic choir boy. So now I ask my choir director... Reuben.. what have you done to me??? =_="""

my bike - or my brother's bike - is now a speed monster. The gear shifter has been changed to quality cable from the low quality cable that came with it. I received some tips from the bike repair mechanic in Song Seng Choon with gear-changing. The tyres have been pumped full after the mechanic found the tyres to be soft.

I read that Singapore has ambitions to become a academic melting-pot. I scowled at the offending article on a page in TODAY. Sg - IS - a melting pot, thanks to the pressure put on by the hungry Chinese students. But I guess this is universal in Asia, after accessing sources (Jigoku Shoujo [anime] and After Dark by Murakami) that indicate life in Japan is similar, with obsessions with grades.. and etc.

I'll end this post prematurely because I'm heading off to claim my pair of spectacles for another seven days of camping. Alright. Drop the angsty show already. >_<

* * *

After Dark is a novel by Haruhi Murakami, translated from Japanese by Jay Rubin. The novel describes the lives of a city's inhabitants after the night falls. A Varsity school-girl Mari, faces problems of her own and decides to stay out for the night. She meets the musician Takahashi, and they both ensue in dialogue, culminating in a series of events so that their problems are solved. This is really the abstract. Murakami works his magic with prose, by describing the problem through the surrealistic cum eerie view of, say a camera lens, and our reflections trapped behind the mirror. It is still full of mystery and wonder, when we revisit the book. Just don't think of RINGU beforehand.. Memories from that unrelated movie sends serious chills down my spine.

(something)-youbi

2008-04-09T21:31:00.009+08:00

I cooked up a convoluted story, inspired by a certain language (I'm not mocking The Bible's Genesis).

月曜日

On Monday..

a pale Moon hung over the evening sky

shining a path for Man in the wilderness.

火曜日

On Tuesday..

Man discovered Fire

and inevitably burns himself in the process.

水曜日

On Wednesday..

Man bathed in Water

to treat his burns and refresh himself.

木曜日

On Thursday..

Man collected Wood

to keep himself safe and warm.

金曜日

On Friday..

Man discovered a piece of Gold...

for which he used for designing his tools.

...

man discovered a piece of Gold...

...

... And so came the famous phrase in which we always say,

"TGIF"! (which meaning: Take Gold If Found)

土曜日

On Saturday..

Man diligently tilled the Soil,

and planted crops for harvest next season.

日曜日

On Sunday..

Man took a rest from the sweltering Sun,

and devises a fermentation process for the rice wine, known as sake.

I ran out of ideas. hahaha

You know the Folk Song, Monday's child..

Monday's child is fair of face
tue's is full of grace
wed's is full of woe
thu's has far to go
fri's is loving and giving
sat's works hard for his living
sun's is bony and blithe, and good and gay (in other words, homosexual)

- and interruption!! -

TCHAIKOVSKY'S - SUITE NO. 4 IN G, OP. 61 'MOZARTIANA'- THE USSR ACADEMIC SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA - YEVGENY SVETLANOV (Conductor)

Wtf.. I'm hearing Mozart's "Ave Verum Corpus" on this piece? It's refreshing! It rocks my world! What exactly is going on here?

Bicycle. Pandas. Bacon, and Big Sis'

2008-04-07T22:22:00.007+08:00

I've got to get my parents to stop bothering me about my "bicycling adventures".

It's only an occasional bike ride I get once in two weeks!

And this lil' panda ate his way into my subconciousness. I know - it was Jonathan Soh, who always coveted the hello pandas when we hit the canteen. I'm not sure how's he doing now anyway.

you know, it kinda reminds you not to stay up late.

It's my fortune, to have a friend (YT) who's willing to spur me on, check whether I've done my homework, and how I'm getting on in life. I am really thankful, for the sincere reminders you give. Thanks to you (and your father), I have greater motivation to read up and further my knowledge.

"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man."

A just quote by Sir Francis Bacon.

Seeing old friends

2008-04-06T23:39:00.001+08:00

I booked out... Attended Kai Ling's birthday party yesterday, at Costa Sands Resort (Pasir Ris). It was more of a party sponsored by her workplace, than a personal one. I met with polymates, Devi and Jing Shya there.

JS has grown beautiful. A mature, fashionable lady. Undoubtedly, my mouth gaped wide-open in surprise, as the first sight of her blew me away. It had been a long time since I've seen her. After the months of my lonely male-dominated NS life (and a year yet to come), I have never seen anyone that has taken me outright, by surprise. She looked different, I reasoned, because she traded her spectacles for contact lenses that evening, and she was wearing fashionable clothes. Not the plain jeans and tee that I've often seen her in the lecture hall. I proceeded to cover up my emotions and converse with her normally. Meanwhile, Devi is now studying IT in general, at PBMS Academy (University of Newcastle). I believe she hasn't changed much.

I can't believe I am still thinking about it. It's probably the effects setting in, of a hapless male-dominated, "motherless-sisterless" miserable seven days in camp. It's difficult for me to accept the concept of a caring male (other than the Medic, of course).

Getting along with fellow males is a problem. Sometimes, they seem too silly, prankish, or terribly childish. Guys can turn vain or "gay-like" to attract the attention of fellow males. Luckily, I get to book out and see my female friends once in a while. Guys can be so condescending towards each other. The girls I associate with, have a patience and attention-span threefold to that of guys I know.

No, no. There's no substitute for the care and concern shown by a female. And I mean it. No FHM magazine, MAXIM, etc.. can substitute genuine care in this world. *Tosses the magazines away* And they certainly can't substitute good literature. And realising that is attaining enlightenment.

JS has been working for 11 months at SGH as a lab technician, part of a two-year contract. The way she speaks, and the way she carries herself, has become well.. professional. Which makes me wonder how I will be able to carry off myself, 21 this year. Time to shed the boyish grin, the angst, and pick up the helm of confidence, of responsibility, the air of self-assuredness.. and ah.. etcetera. It's not meaning to say that I feel like going after JS. I was just musing on a little fantasy (like Hachiko does in NANA) After what mom said, something like, don't be a silly boy and should leave it all to fate. I won't be going after anyone. I guess I should just play the cards I have, and don't risk getting busted (sum of cards above 21).

Hey. why's there the 21 connection? It just came out of nowhere. Well I'll be damned.

a piece of scrap

2008-04-05T00:10:00.000+08:00

Weakness is that
I'm
Unfocused
leaving
things
off
unfinished.

Need
to
set
clear
realistic
goals
and move towards
accomplishing them.

whereabouts of a free child

2008-03-22T18:24:00.004+08:00

it's a rainyyyy day. CAT 1! CAT 1!!

0445 wakey wakey. can't get back to sleep.
0500 Hung out clothes to dry. grabbed mp3 radio.
0600 went out cycling until-
0750 cycled up and downhill Fort Canning Hill (Dangerous),
0800 jogged around Fort Canning Hill (parked two-wheels).
0850 ate Delicateseen 01x Bacon Sausage @ Cold Storage.
0900 cycled up Mount Sophia and down (Dangerous)
0940 cycled to Bugis Junction (parked two-wheels).
1000 went to National Library.
1030 hung around Lee Kong Chian Reference Library L7.
1200 departed NLB to Bugis Junction, then
1300 cycled back to Old Airport Hawker Centre for lunch (parked two-wheels).

i am learning nihongo diligently from now on. hiragana, katakana, I shall conquer.

no big feat is too small.

the chicken broth of the Chiikin Ramen last night was fantajiru, heavenly.

2008-03-10T20:13:00.002+08:00

At home, I found several items missing from my memory, and I've been pondering about their whereabouts. My utility mp3 player and my OPs diary. Basically, I need the Ops diary to write stuff in.

I need to make a commitment for spending time. I want to focus on 2 areas. To learn guitar chords and learn the japanese language. Anime and Manga eyeballing, Cycling, and training for Standing Broad Jump (SBJ) will be my leisure for now.

Visions

2008-03-07T19:11:00.003+08:00

How far I've come.. And in my mind,

in the white misty clouds, the soaring dragon - the mandarin species - decorated with snake scales, bearing goat's horns, and baring teeth from her lion head..

The lion-snake monster spun around with great speed, and her head noticed, with alarm, her tail vanishing behind her. Strong light blinded her eyes as she looked back. Maybe I was thinking of Hari the Dragon in Spirited Away.. So tell me my fortune from this vision.

Just The Way You Are

2008-02-25T22:23:00.000+08:00

GRAFFITI

2008-02-24T22:24:00.007+08:00

life is pour living, not reflection!

Japanese anime/dvds I've watched for the past week and <3 'ed
Claymore
Beautiful Life
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time
Spirited Away
Gundam Seed Destiny
D Gray Man
Happiness

TERESA IS THE COOLEST CLAYMORE EVER-!

=END OF COMMUNICATION=
=GRAFFITI SECTION=

Have you lived it up today? I'm livin' it!

getting what you wanted,
what you've always wanted

Influence - my style of cryptic writing is typical of a lazy writer's block or people like macabre Stanley Donwood or Thom Yorke from Radiohead. It's like the RANDOM WTF NONSENSE FROM LUSH 99.5FM, that makes you question less and appreciate more. It's ungrammatical and purposely mispelt, just like those lousy designs on cheap T-shirts from those 3rd world countries.. I've started playing this style in 2007. It signifies nothing, it's up to you to imagine. i'm feeling uncommunicative and I don't care about you.

Tell me about that place - the dark place in your mind, I don't mind telling people about.

Tell me.

2008-02-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

I'm faced with several problems today, some of which had be in existence for months, but had to be put away for reasons. Anyway the list as follows 1) Further studies and Career, 2) Music component 3) Language Learning 4) Arts Appreciation.

notext - writer's block.

Personal 'z'

2008-01-27T16:28:00.000+08:00

It's a week away from the Lunar New Year, but I ain't that excited, because my vocation in Naval Base security would have me miss out on two days of the holiday festival - the very much coveted New Year's Eve reunion dinner - and of seeing all my close relatives at the round table (which used to be quite close) until my Grandma passed away last march - unwittingly, I have turned away from them, exploring life independently through my own unbiased eyes - and here doing my time in NS.

I keep reminiscing, thinking as always, of the moments I was there, a formal distance away, from my respected role model and friend in music, and her timeless book recommendations, which solidify as her special collection in my mind. Kafka. Harry Potter. Haruki Murakami. The film, Cinema Paradiso. It is food for thought. Then out of respect for my own feelings, I often wonder aloud - why our friendship doesn't quite work out. Perhaps the problem lies with me, not her. I don't know how to get along with her mood. Without hearing from her much now and then, it leaves quite a lot of room for my self-doubt. Does she still care? Where once, she reassuringly convinced me of our friendship... I don't think we were ever friends by default. (Maybe from a cold and distant view, we were friends arisen from necessity. That we have both but met for a period of times, for business purposes in one of our recreational circles, and we spared each other a little kindness to facilitate our goals in recreation) But that's a cruel thought to say about her. Friends don't need each other. They won't leave their doors and windows open? At this juncture, I would damn myself for thinking so badly of a friend. well, I say that I would drop those damn thoughts now. and move on to something else.

The Straits Times columnist Sumiko Tan, engaged in a bout of self-talk in her personal column, that she was in her 30-40s and complains about the dreary nature of weekends, that being single made time pass away slowly. But she also comments on the perks of being single- meaning more time to read her favourite books, shopping at different shops, watch. I can empathise with that feeling. It's something I can anticipate ending up doing, and so I can think about what to do then, if I end up single for the rest of my life.

End of personal entry.

Songs to Check out:

Coldplay - Clocks (Avocado Blue mix)

"Rhythms Del Mundo

Now if the currently burning bossa nova rage has sent you craving for something more authentically Latino, then there is Rhythms Del Mundo. This is no bossa nova album. It is made up of Cuban music fused with a pop feel and faithful to its African origins. This is a collaborative effort from artists of various countries in aid of Artists Project Earth (APE) which lends support for natural disaster relief and climate change awareness. The artists involved support the album as a show of commitment to the music and the cause it endorses and those artists are mighty bit names.

The star-studded production features famous pop tracks like Clocks by Coldplay; Better Together by Jack Johnson; Dancing Shoes by Arctic Monkeys; One Step Too Far by Dido & Faithless; I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For by Coco Freeman featuring U2; She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5; Modern Way by Kaiser Chefs; Fragilidad by Sting; The Dark of the Matinee by Coco & Franz Ferdinand; High and Dry by Lele & Radiohead all given new Afro-Cuban arrangements by the famous Buena Vista Social Club whose singers perform vocals in As Time Goes By by Ibrahim Ferrer and Killing Me Softly by Omara Portuondo." Something I'd like to hear for the kick of it.

Regina Carter - This Can't Be Love (very jazzy, perky arrangement.)
Top Rocking - The Real New World (very interesting rap)
BUGZ_IN_THE_ATTIC - it don't work like that
UNITED_FUTURE_ORGANIZATIO OSUNLADE - LISTEN LOVE
Late Night Alumni - Seemingly Sleepy (trancy-trancy-dreamy dreemlike state. music plays with your subconcious... Zzz..)
GAVIN FRIDAY - Angel

Email: Through a Rapist's Eyes

2008-01-27T15:44:00.000+08:00

"THIS is important information for females of ALL ages.

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone.

Please pass it along.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed . They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly . Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone , searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00a.m. and 8:30a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots . Number two: is office parking lots/garages. Number three: is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas , or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here,' 'we're in for a bad winter.' Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you , hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back.
Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes) , yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you , you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it - it hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible . The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!

You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2.Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans . If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM . Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3.If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4.Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.'

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it , but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This
should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well."

End of Email.

Christophe Willem

2008-01-15T20:56:00.000+08:00

French Idol '06

Quand je serai grand, je serai Bee Gees
"When I grow up, I will be Bee Gees"
Ou bien pilote de formule 1 "Or a pilot in Formula 1"
En attendant je me déguise "In the meantime I'm a mere disguise"
C’est vrai que tous les costumes me vont bien "It's true that all my costumes take me far"
Le rouge le noir "The red black"
Le blues l’espoir "The blues hope"
Et moi "And I"

De toutes les couleurs j’aime en voir "Of all the colors I see"

C’est comme ça qu’est ce que j’y peux "That's the way I can be"
(Faudrait savoir ce que tu veux) "Should about what you want"

Oui "Yes"
Quand je serai grand ce sera facile "When I grow it will be easy"
Enfin je saurai qui je suis "I'll finally know who I am"
Mais En attendant je me défile "But I'm reading scrolls"
C’est vrai "It's true"
Je me dérobe et je me fuis "I stole and I"

Je pleurs, "I cry"
je ris, "I laugh"
J’ai peur, "I fear"
Envie, "Envy"
Je sais De toutes les couleurs, je vais en voir "I know all the colors, I will see"

A qui la faute ? "Who is to blame?"
Je suis l’un et l’autre "I am both"
Double je "I'm Double"
A qui la faute ? "Who is to blame?"
Je suis l’un et l’autre "I am both"

C’est comme ça qu’est ce que j’y peux "That's the way I can be"
(Faudrait savoir ce que tu veux) "Should about what you want"

Après tout qu’est ce que j’y peux "After all that is what I can"
(Faudrait savoir ce que tu veux) "Should about what you want"

Quand je serai grand qu’on se le dise
"When I grow up they will say"
Je serai vendeur dans les magasins "I will be selling in the stores"
En entendant, je me déguise "In the meantime I'll disguise"
En chantant dans ma salle de bain "By singing in my bathroom"

(Faudrait savoir ce que tu veux) "Should about what you want"
Quand je serai grand je serai dans le show biz… "When I grow up I will be in show biz"

Je sais, de toutes les couleurs j'aime en voir. "I know all the colors I'll see."
A qui la faute je suis l'un et l'autre "Whose fault I am both."
Double je "I'm Double"
...

Double je - Translated from lyrics with help from google translator.

I stumbled on this artist, Nouvelle Star a year ago. I like Willem's voice. Both facial features and voice quality remind me of Daniel Singh. I'm impressed cause I thought it was a girl singing initially. The strong beat in the song makes you wanna dance!

Well, from viewing this video, you can see a few french beauties as Willem dutifully and gracefully, dances his fingers on the piano keys. And it seems a little propaganda on French receptivity to their homegrown talent. In the last scene of Willem walking away, one muses, that he is simply another being living in a city of millions, and not any larger than life.

The alternate interpretation, incorporates a more sound understanding, but makes the song immoral. If you understood the lyrics, the song is about a voyeur, who peeps from a A room with a view (i.e. Chambre Avec Vue), at/from Bristol hotel. So although the lyrics are perverted, the french concept of open romanticism is compensated by the majestic string ensemble in the background. It seems so dreamy, this look at voyeurism. As he sings in the last line, "existantelle." Ah... to capture this moment of existence...?

Gone, Gone, Gone

2008-01-04T19:52:00.000+08:00

Man I love this song. Actually I was searching for the BeatleSung, but this soulful Lefty Frizzel thing came up. Hehe. The one historical gig they did up on the rooftop of Apple Studios, 1969. That must have made them, and the audiences feel so high.

And to you in question... Well, lead your own life. I don't care about you anymore. And You're not my cup of tea either. *takes revolver in a SUPER-UPSET mood =( and goes blam - * I imagine now, that I have a great deal of booze on my hands, and I will drink the bottle, the jug dry. Everything. Every last drop. And let it burn down my throat, burn away those painful memories, and relight the fire in my heart...

And a fiery light emerged - from those black smouldering coals in the background. My loyal, faithful Alsation curled up beside me in the cosy hearth...

... Like a crutch of a handicapped man.

Things ain't so bad... While you can still fantasise, that you have lived your life in a wooden cabin, and that you're an aged Caucasian male sitting on your rocker in front of the fireplace in a children's storybook. A shoemaker, a watchmaker, a clockmaker, whatever.. Oh. except that it ain't real.

The BeatleSung. Yes, come to think of it, you do resemble John Lennon in a way. Thank you for watching. =))

I remember

2007-12-27T20:46:00.000+08:00

The first time the world elucidated proof of her existence to me, was in the Summer of 2004. During that time I had enrolled and accepted a course in Temasek Polytechnic after graduation from Secondary School. In the months before my polytechnic education began, I was engaged in weekly choir practices with the Colibri Chamber Choir.

I remember going to places like the top level foodcourt of Amara Hotel, and meeting with great, fun-loving choristers like April, Nicole, Suat Huang, Albert, June, Reuben and Karen, and Roger. We've also been to places like Roger's condo @ Tanjong Pagar, Yoshioko's place, and Reuben's home at Bukit Timah. (All right, I've also been to Nelson's home at Tanah Merah before, when I was in TVC, but it doesn't matter here). I kind of miss the 'sisterhood' of those days. 'April-talk' or girls giving harmless but interesting gossip at lunch, which sometimes threatened to pollute my mind (but it sounds silly really); it makes me wanna laugh along with them.

My point is, it was that sunny afternoon after vocalising at Reuben's place. Albert caught hold of the news that I was going to study in TP. I sort of expressed to him, my interest in knowing what was the group, TP Choir like, and whether it would be worthwhile to spend my time on it as a CCA. My chosen alternative was to take up a sport, like trying out for soccer. Somehow, he sort of persuaded me by saying that you know, "what's so fun about running around the field the whole day, getting tired at the end of the day?" Which made me stop short of my decision. So I thought I'd give it a shot and see what kind of choir he runs in TP. Purely "a matter of convenience", since I know Albert. I was complaining I don't know anyone else.. And then comes along SH saying "I've got a friend in TP who's interested in joining TP Choir." Then, that was the first moment an unknown had emerged in my memories.

A week later after school started, SH came around to TP in her TPJC Uniform around 5.30pm. She was grinning, happy to see me in a school full of staring strangers. I continually teased her for wearing the uniform, being in the wrong school. It was around that time that I first met with her friend - I can't remember - our first encounter was never that vivid in my memory. I'm confused over whether she wore contact lenses or spectacles.

This fragment simply slipped into my consciousness, just now. It's one of my concerns that get the better of me. It always come back to the question, whether our chance meeting changed my life for the better or worse. I don't want to think about it - 'how it changed..' me either, it goes both ways. It makes me more experienced in working with people. You know honestly, I can't move you at all. I'm unworthy.

Bare Necessities

2007-12-24T22:47:00.000+08:00

I GOT THE ANSWER ==> WHAT I WANT TO DO AFTER NS.

bored musings

2007-12-23T20:53:00.000+08:00

John Legend - Sun Comes Up

Well, I posted this one because YT recommended it. I still prefer the Young Folks below by Peter Bjorn and John. It's very catchy.

==

I stayed at home. It was raining. I finished 'Arry Potter Deathly Hallows today, after months of reading. In fact I think I started reading it a bit in June, after I enlisted. Cripe.

I always thought of the Harry Potter series as humour. The elements of slapstick are in it, with Fred & George's bags of tricks, and antics. The names Rowling give for its creatures, characters, are somewhat clever and unique, as they have already sunken roles into the characters themselves. Dumble the humble. V is for Villian. I am not so fond of the name Potter however (a flower pot is the first thing that comes to mind).

In the last book, I find that she makes her quarrelsome characters collide with each other too often. There is too much soap opera, and crying, it makes the book somewhat unbearable for a guy like me to look at. The Chapter at the King's Cross station however, was cool, it was so unexpected, so 'Matrix-revolutions'-like. It still sends a chill down my spine when I read it, about talking to the dead, and being caught in limbo. Time magazine had reported that Rowling had the series planned in its resemblance to political & social content in Thatcher's Britain, Dumbledore & gay themes, discrimination, etcetera. But if it is true, I'm happy I don't see it, I still see it as an adventure. A very long one, in fact.

=
i wish i wasn't so childish.
i'm 20 years old now. where's my ambition, levelheaded-ness and drive for success?
Geesh. (Failed in self-examination)
=

i did a bit of stock-taking, and still pondering what I want in the future. Those digging questions from the new people I meet, "Say, where are you going after NS? ... Two years isn't a very long time, you know?" cause me severe inflammatory reactions. My pimples are breaking out all over again.

I'm reading "Hallucinating Foccault". Seriously, the Gay theme is overblown in this novel. There are many theories that might work for or against homosexuals in their right to breathe. They are a disturbed people, who have developed the wrong sexual habits. I just feel that such people should not be discriminated against. Society should show greater concern, or symphathize with them (e.g. recommend counseling).
Yeah, I'm idealistic. I'm all for recycling, reduce and reuse too.

==

Have you ever felt that you have many things to say to someone. Yet in reality, at the dinner table, you couldn't never say nothing?

" NO - NOTHING = SOMETHING " , Therefore:
"- no - no - nothing = no SOMETHING = Nothing"

Have you ever felt that time is precious, every second you spend with her is worth more than the riches in this world - gold, diamond, and what other elemental stones, material possessions that the ignorant rabble seek to invest in?

Have you ever felt the air intensify in your lungs when you enter the room and she's there? experience a quiet form of elation?

Have you ever felt that feeling when she comes online on msn, say, "Yes, I've got to talk to her" So, catch up you know, you read what her personal message says.

==

I keep myself entertained easily. STOP THINKING. YOU'RE WASTING TIME. BACK TO READING YOUR TIME MAGAZINES AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL !!! THIS IS YOUR BOSS, LEONARD LIPOVICH.

Man, I miss his tone in those business-like emails. And maybe I miss working with Americans.

2007-12-22T17:22:00.000+08:00

RECORD BROKEN!
I can do 11 Chin-Ups today, after downing 500mL NTUC Hi-Cal Milk.
If only I can jump as far..

I'm thinking of trying out the National Park Connectors. hmm. I must get a bicycle.

Peter Bjorn & John

2007-12-22T08:37:00.000+08:00

I like his Lennon-like voice.

= Peter Bjorn & John =

if i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share
it didn't lead nowhere
i would go along with someone like you
it doesn't matter what you did
who you were hanging with
we could stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear
no one would surprise me unless you do

i can tell there's something goin' on
hours seem to disappear
everyone is leaving i'm still with you

it doesn't matter what we do
where we are going to
we can stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own stuff
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you
(repeat)
talking only me and you

talking only me and you
talking only me and you

==

No matter how hard you try, some people
will NOT like you half as much as you like
them. You wonder if it's your own fault, you know
what you did, what you did not, who you are.
But it's not. It's an acceptance problem.

Then you start digging at your own esteem,
reproach yourself for the things you do,
the impressions you leave, the shortcomings,
groping in the dark for the solution,
but then it complicates things further.

No use changing the way you are.
This is my angst.

One day I'll be somebody.

Story of Stuff

2007-12-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

I M P O R T A N T ! ! !
www.storyofstuff.com

Every inhabitant on Earth should know ! >o.O<

Quando power 3

2007-12-19T20:44:00.000+08:00

Overheard 987FM deejays on the airwaves,
going on the topic, "relationships start during the holidays. True or false..? Pls sms your views in to 699-..."

One of the theories:
"End of the year is the time for people to stock-take on their life for the past year(s). And usually, people are lonelier and have more time to contemplate their emotions. Thus, they drop down their defenses and become more emotionally available for starting relationships."

Interesting phenomenon I can observe in people other than myself.. Something like "love is in the air"? They also said it's the season for job-hunting, as job-holders resign after getting their year-end bonus... "It is with great reluctance that I, NRIC, plan to step down from my position"... etc

Despicable.

2007-12-18T23:09:00.000+08:00

as if I didn't have enough of schoolyard bullies, I face difficult co-sea-soldiers.

First was the best trainee in Sea Soldier Course. Extremely sensitive to touch, and selfish bastard sometimes, he can take the people around him for granted. Take for example, he can deliberately pour dust on my bed after sweeping the floor (because he was unhappy about me climbing on 'his' bed in order to clean his bedframe). And he frequently places his soiled uniform on my bed. And you claim you are the best trainee? Your wicked deed is done, and who shall forgive you if you sin, or when you go against your conscience? Unrepentant and unapologetic. Do you practise what you preach?

Why did I bring this up? Nevermind him. Today I was very upset that two of my peers resorted to schoolyard pranks and gangsterism. I was happily sitting down in my seat on the bus, minding my own business (tired, trying to sleep) when (I) the person behind, PTE L P pulled my hair - I ignored. Next, came the (II) candy wrapper on my hair, then I glared back. I changed my seat. (III) Pain [administered by PTE J L] - Knock on the head. Another bastard behind me. (IV)Go 2 seats toward the front - Knock on the head. F- IT JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. In this mode, I was gaining heat fast - why are they knocking my head? Those bored f***s.

Being bullied is a sign of weakness. Rage registered in my head. I wanted to bash them up, SO BAD! I confronted them. I don't give a damn if I'm in uniform. And it took me a while to come to my senses - I pulled back due to the shouting of my friends. I stared down at Lei Peng, that MOFO SOB, unrepentant, stared straight back at me. Seriously, when you're mad, you're mad. I've become like him, the aggressive monster I detested so much.

Mockery, plus cowardly actions they displayed today, by throttling on my bedsheets the moment I turn around, making them dirty. Nevermind. What goes around comes around~ goes around comes around~ goes around comes around~ goes around comes around~ What goes around comes around~ What goes around comes around~ goes around comes around~goes around comes around~.. For now, I have to conjure my revenge in my imagination. Of course, I will settle my score if they get too far. Unapologetic, unrepentant, they remain - despicable mofos. However, God is dead in this world, Thus, peer support is in favour of Nazis, not Jews. Some people prefer to remain neutral. Now I understand how Feng He felt. This is a battle of Good and Evil, in the simplest degree. What goes around comes around~ you stinking MOFOS.. What's so bad about Feng He, anyway? He's better than you. I WISH FENG HE, WILL KICK YOUR ASS SOMEDAY, SO BAD - YOU'LL BE DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, GROVELLING AND BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS... SAME GOES FOR ALL OF YOU MOFOS WHO HAVE GROSSLY UNDERVALUED FENG HE'S CONTRIBUTIONS TO OUR WEEKS OF TRAINING.. ASSHOLES!! END.

It makes me lose faith in people sometimes. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. (Edmund Burke) Dark side of man is omnipresent.. In a world without god. I wish god were alive, the miracles of old performed once again, and the angels bring forth peace and goodwill on earth.

==

I saw it in the MONSTER anime.I seek comfort from this passage in the bible. I have to exorcise the demons I face, the hideous beast within and without, who takes up various forms and disguises.

And the dragon stood on the sand of the seashore.
Then I saw a beast coming up out of the sea,
having ten horns and seven heads,
and on his horns were ten diadems,
and on his heads were blasphemous names.

And the beast which I saw was like a leopard,
and his feet were like those of a bear,
and his mouth like the mouth of a lion.
And the dragon gave him his power and his throne and great authority.

I saw one of his heads as if it had been slain,
and his fatal wound was healed.
And the whole earth was amazed and followed after the beast;

they worshiped the dragon because he gave his authority to the beast;
and they worshiped the beast,
chanting, “Who is like unto the beast,
and who is able to wage war with him?”

- St John, Revelation 13 - The Beast from the Sea

Wish You Were Here

2007-12-09T10:07:00.000+08:00

feeling kind of lost, when this song surfaced in my mind

Live performance on their Pulse tour

The Pencil

2007-11-24T09:46:00.001+08:00

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box.
"There are 5 things you need to know", he told the pencil, "before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and you will become the best pencil you can be".

ONE: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand.

TWO: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.

THREE: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.

FOUR: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.

AND FIVE: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write.

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart. The parable of the pencil imparts great wisdom in the way we human beings live our lives as well.

Allow this parable on the pencil to encourage you to know that you are a special person and only you can fulfill the purpose to which you were born to accomplish.

Never allow yourself to get discouraged and think that your life is insignificant and cannot make a change.

We are just like the pencil, who can make a difference in our lives and in the lives of the people around us. Don't ever underestimate what you have the power to do!

ANONYMOUS

Talk-cock sessions

2007-11-23T20:39:00.000+08:00

whenever we have nothing to do during our course, we sit in our bunks and talk cock about things we observe in our lives. One person will launch unto a topic, say his ambitions. Whenever it comes to gender or races, there will be generalisations that are unsubstianted statistically, which sorts of pisses me off. I mean, the speaker ought to get the facts right and present the information professionally.

EXTRACTS:

One is tempted to believe, that "Singaporean girls are materialistic and only go after your purse". Another, say "girls in Singapore Polytechnic Business IT are very cui- " and the best are in Temasek Polytechnic.. then it's my turn to raise a skeptical eyebrow and show the 'wtf' sign.

I mean what content is worth discussing? It's pointless you see, except for keeping the cogs and wheels in our minds turning. We wonder who among us might get married first. and we can quarrel like little children.

I find that our resident musician-conductor in my bunk, is very expressive about his thoughts, but can be very sensitive when you tread on his toes. Very selfish bastard sometimes. This is in concurrence with the 'other musician' that has always been occupying my thoughts. For better or worse, subconsciously, she's always in a part of memories. But I know the rule of the world. The layman - or person of lower status - finds it hard to talk to a professional, or a person of attractive charms. Like my friend says, he wouldn't go after a girl of higher status than him. So carry on my foolish ambition, no. In my life, I've got to think of ways to upgrade my status.

One of our course instructors says he's MAD (Married, Adorable, Desirable), while we're SAD ppl (Single, Available, Desperate).

Reading TIME magazine and trying not to think about Yi Hern, who's probably studying away for his tests (well, thanks for your concern in your sms). And Yuan Ting, who's probably just home from work and planning our next acapella practice session. And Wong Chyi, who's probably waiting to get his bookout and pass out from SISPEC. And Brother, who's probably returning home from his Yamaha Drum Lessons. Sometimes you don't wonder... who gives a f- about you in this world. You just wade on in the water - I mean tread water, prevent you from sinking.

Ah.. what would this world be without friends. Yet we are alone.

***

20 Years of life have passed-by in how many blinks of my eye?
Yet it is through this 20 year old life that I've seen what Life has to offer.
Like a child, I think about:

Say where do I see myself in 20 years time?
Buy insurance, those PruCash options to accumulate for my mid-life.
How do I make the most of my life?
Do I still listen to my parents? To what extent can they be trusted now?
Why are my parents in a period of stagnation in their lives - have they no more dreams to fulfill? *This is the scratch-head question* Why can't they push me further?
DO I have to do everything now, myself? chart my course, and receive advice that plays with my brain?
Why am I forgetting things taught like I've got super short-term memory?

Too many questions and no time to answer them to the point. I have a feeling I will wrestle with them during my guard duties...

Don't plan too much though, life happens while you're busy making plans.

rolling stone gathers no moss

2007-11-17T23:01:00.000+08:00

If my life-story - if - it was a book, it seems to have recurring themes of negativity.. Take for example,

I am a rolling stone that gathers no moss.

I am self-centered.

Or I always feel negative when it comes to blogging. waste of time.

"Mama, I let you down." that's the worst feeling - you've had since you were a child.

**

CHRIS COCO - STARLIGHT. A nice song I heard over Lush.. DJ with cool vibes.

**

last week played 'Hey! that's my Fish', 'PitchCar', 'Guillitoine', and Twists and Thurns (Germany postage boardgame).

this week was in camp acapella. Stubbornly didn't agree with the beat-boxing instructor and embarrassed myself onstage. Damn, I can't shake off the feeling.

the solo-lines .. who likes singing the supporting parts? singing the melody rocks.

man. i need songs for comfort. like

AYO - AND IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LOVE.

All kinds of sad; all kinds of bad

2007-11-09T23:47:00.000+08:00

Hanging On The Trees - Leslie Low

So on the way down
I count the days of numbers out
So on the way down
I lose the sense of meaning
Hey there, you know
All lights gone out
Time's running out
It's meant to be

Afar, a hanging on the trees
Away from sight and hearing
A time when all the leaves were green
Embarrassed now from blooming
Hey there, you know
Man's playing god
Life can be bought and sold with ease

Hang like a star
Lay down like a brick
I've been made a fool of me
Dry as a nail
Through flesh into wood
I've been made a fool of me
Hey there, you know
All kinds of sad
Grey kind of black is hanging on
All kinds of bad are hanging on.

feeling melancholic..
thumbing through my handphone contacts, I mused that people are meant to be forgotten... along with everything else I once knew.

bye stupid-ass. wasted your time reading. =P

In The Air - Leslie Low

Waiting by the gates of heaven for nothing you have seen
Waiting by the gates of hell for everything
Waiting by the roadside for a past you've grown from since
Waiting for a glimpse of what you'd been

Dead mountains surround you
Your friends they don't care anyway
Anyday
They'll turn you in
It's in the air

Waiting by the gates of freedom for time and nothing less
Waiting for the last in line, the rest
Waiting for a glimpse of hope
A sliver through the vent
Waiting on the wire to repent

Dead birds around you
You'll make friends in there anyway
Anyday
It's in the air.

2007-10-27T22:41:00.000+08:00

these NSF days, I suck-my-thumb and serve my nation -
with pride. Due to reasons of national security, I will not divulge any details related to my training or military vocation. My civilian life remains my primary focus.

"Oh how long has it taken me - call off the dogs now...
I'd get - my act - my soul - my pack of cigs now...
Same - as no one else - but me now...

Oh how long has it taken me?
same as nobody else but me - hang my head down...
down to my toes - unknown to the rest I'm told...
Same - as no one else - but me...
gotta keep up myself...
Get up and Go from Here, Far as can be..."

Lyrics by Leslie Low and music by the observatory.

Sea Soldier

2007-09-21T23:06:00.000+08:00

Where I'm posted to?

Camo net must change to algae... hang starfish

heard from a friend, sea soldier equals 24/7 guard duty... man... how scary can it get?

back to basics.

一人一半。 One Each.

2007-09-14T22:34:00.000+08:00

This sweet little song captured my heart and many audiences around Singapore. Take a listen, and you can feel all the right chords being sung and strum in harmony. There's a distinct melancholic feeling, in the lyrics, an Ode to this "meaningful" Life and the relationships you invest in.

The Papaya Sisters and Rooster Boy was very entertaining. Don't know why some people (bro) thought it was lame. Royston Tan's attempt is daring and different from those Jack Neo flicks.. Who wouldn't have given up on being serious, when they saw the Durian Sisters shooting rays of light from the breastplates they were wearing? I was like WTFWTF....

2007-06-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

From a blank slate, to nothing more.

What if I can't collect my worthless thoughts today
and save them for tomorrow.

***

Ok, actually I was thinking about this girl I knew.

So sad that Yi Tien's leaving behind 10 years of memories, to actually to migrate far from here. The US. Poor girl, having to move halfway around the world, after all these years here. So she has finally uprooted, to a someplace where she may seek her fortunes. Anyway. I have got her linked up along with my friends... If you're reading this, do take care.

C'est la vie

2007-06-07T23:04:00.000+08:00

We are a generation of people, in which communication and commercial media form an important role, pervading our lives. We become so manufactured in all aspects that it is difficult to tell people apart from one another. We become so obedient to every whim of the system, and we live, unquestioning every move we make.

As Leslie Low sang the song from Humpback Oak days, Anti-citizen, he desires to break down the system, re-educate, re-allocate.

*uncompleted post* ... my fingers take to their resting places.

and musicians like Freddie Mercury are quite extra-ordinary..

Bohemian Rhapsody

2007-06-07T21:05:00.000+08:00

performed by Queen, written and sung by Freddie Mercury)

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.
Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see!

I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy!
Because I'm easy come, easy go,
A little high, little low,
Anyway the wind blows, doesnt really matter to me,
To me

Mama, just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead,
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away-
Mama, ooo,
Didn't mean to make you cry-
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow-
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters-

Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine-
Body's aching all the time,
Goodbye everybody, I've got to go-
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth-
Mama ooo- (any way the wind blows)
I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all-

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche, scaramouche will you do the fandango-
Thunderbolt and lightning- very very frightening me-
Galileo! galileo!
Galileo! galileo!
Galileo! figaro-magnifico-
But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
He's just a poor boy from a poor family!
Spare him his life from this monstrosity!
Easy come easy go-, will you let me go-
Bismillah! no we will not let you go- let him go!
Bismillah! we will not let you go- let him go!
Bismillah! we will not let you go- let me go!
Will not let you go- let me go!
Will not let you go let me go!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no-
Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me-

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye-
So you think you can love me and leave me to die-
Oh baby- can't do this to me baby-
Just gotta get out- just gotta get right outta here-

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters-, nothing really matters to me,

Any way the wind blows...

Cremated

2007-05-23T22:47:00.001+08:00

The Cremation took place in the late afternoon @ Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium.

Words without pictures.
- A documentation of the events

When the rites were over (and more to follow).

I.

Relatives, we donned our ceremonial white socks,
queued in a single-file, and listened
for the undertaker's instructions.
With heavy hearts, our socks wept over the floor
as we took our turns beside Grandma's body:
shed uncontrollable tears, and bid our fond farewells.

II.

Peeking through the glass panel,
I see her sleeping peacefully in the coffin.
A white pearl seated on the ridges of her lips*

From the range of floral wreaths,
the prettiest flowers were picked
to be laid above the coffin,
wheeled into the back of the van.

III.

We marched one thousand metres
in the vapours of the afternoon heat.
Through her familiar neighbourhood,
like how she used to shop for groceries,
before the diminishing strength in her legs.

Duty, filial piety - part of a man's pride,
Dad, and the youngest son, second-son-in-line,
and the eldest son (grandson in stead),
pushing the Undertaker's Van,
with recorded buddhist chantings.

The sun shining brightly on our faces,
some were teary-eyed, some pale
from worry for Grandma's soul.
It was surreal, as if being captured
on a black and white photograph.

IV.

The onlookers,
shuffling aimlessly past
in either direction.

A pedestrian,
standing on the overhead bridge,
or waiting at the bus-stop.

The ignorant rabble
caught a glimpse of our emotions,
as we paraded past them.

We did not return their glances
our heads bowed deep
in sorrow and reflection.

V.

My dear second Aunt was very worried,
that burning Grandma's body was
not the correct decision.
What if her soul was trapped within
her physical confines?
I mumbled away,
"Burning would be good"
No more denial - no more vexing questions.

From a body to ashes.
ashes to be selectively picked by
her sons and daughters,
to be placed in an urn like Grandpa's.

I guess she's gone for good,
and we'd have to live with her memories.

Everything that has happened,
was meant to happen.

Vita brevis ad infineteur. and Memento mori.

How it all rings in my head now.

*Tale of the Empress Dowager's body being preserved by a precious pearl, whereupon extraction of the pearl, decayed instantly into a fragmented, blackening, rotten corpse.

Notice :(

2007-05-20T23:44:00.000+08:00

Dear Blog-readers.

KNOW THIS - on the 19th of MAY, Saturday, around 7.20 pm - my lovely Grandma - 81 years old - passed away peacefully, on her deathbed in her own home, and will be, forever sleeping among the stars.

Printed on her Death Certificate, the diagnoses:

1) Adeno Carcinoma of unknown origin with Metastasis to the bone

2) Lung Carcinoma

Her disease onset was 5 years. And severely crippling her for the last 2 months,

Her four sons and six daughters, gathered around her small bedroom, to see her off during the last moments.

It was a heart-wrenching experience for me, the hapless grandson, to be away from her side until late Saturday morning, only able to talk to someone unconscious, semi-comatose (quoting an Aunt). She was no doubt, suffering in the hospital ward. So my aunties and uncles got her discharged, and an ambulance to transport her back to her home @ 74 Marine Drive.

I hope Grandma's soul would remain at peace, and get reincarnated soon. Preferably, to be a bird would not be such a bad thing (quoting an Aunt).

I would not have the mood to blog for awhile. Out of respect for her - the best Grandma I've had - I have to reflect and recollect my memories.

=

Dear Bro.

If you'd agree with me and Mom and Dad (and Grandma's advice to keep you in the dark.), it wasn't a good idea to tell you straight away. But we're glad you found out, and hope you'd get better after a few days of mourning.

I'm staying in the wake for the next few days until Wednesday.

The Weight of an Elephant's Dream

2007-05-17T22:06:00.000+08:00

Check it out @ *scape. It was a rainy day and I've been daydreaming a lot myself these days.
Decided to stop by around Orchard road after reading the ad on ST.

Here's some photos of the exhibition I got from Shuxian's LJ.

All of the above art is done by the NTU graduate, Shu Xian & friends Cherie, Hong Jun, and Samuel. I have absolutely no ownership of their work and no affiliation to them, but I very much admire what they have created. Woah... painting on walls, chopping boards, video exhibits of blue men. And also bitch a little about life in Singapore... with style!

I think it went somewhere along these lines:

"Singapore is an Elephant

It makes people dream big things...

..Big things = very heavy.

I am depressed."

My favourite was an improvisational drawing on the animated blue men (second photo from above). It was this little guy who kept on bowing madly. He was put into the context of being in the midst of a group of Japanese businessmen.. and you know now why he bowed like mad. It is hilarious, I tell you! XD

Shuxian's LJ is full of Art, but bewarned - not for those who get easily offended / conservatives - R21 drawings. I especially liked this entry and this one years ago - being an artist isn't easy. (I can imagine the inherent psychological battles and mental barriers that serve as input, to twist out the creative output - like juicing an orange?)

(excerpt from Shuxian's LJ archive)

Some poetry

2007-05-17T20:51:00.000+08:00

put to sleep,
destined for slaughter

(XvX)

The host of fowl shared
a common dream of reincarnation,
and hastened their feathered bodies
across the conveyor belt.

The factory operator wipes
the sickly sweat off his brow.

A vegetarian himself,
he shakes his head in disgust,
and utters a buddhist scripture
under his cotton face mask.

Their conciousness melted,
somewhere further down the line,
where they were put to sleep,
by a sterile hypodermic needle.

The feathers were unplucked
to reveal a gross white fat.
Their shivering bare flesh hung in mid-air,
commanding the stark shadows on the floor.

That they revered in newfound freedom,
of the stinking bird coop
where they once lived.

As the steamer sang and hissed in triumph,
the metal grimace yawned wide open,
to reveal an impending darkness.

(XvX)

Surely this is good enough reason,
good enough respect for a living being,
to give prayer for the sanctity of life,
and thanks to the food.

Amen.

The first time in a long while, guilty feelings have crept in while eating food.
I ate Chicken Cutlet at a Western Food hawker stall that does a fair bit of evangelism.

(XvX)

Macabre.

2007-05-16T21:40:00.000+08:00

bloodstains on a tree.

killed by natural-unnatural courses.

If a tree fell in the forest
and no one heard the woman scream
Tell me, would the falling tree
have made a sound?

Or was maniacal laughter heard
under the rustling leaves?

On the Sad News.

Why did the girl decapitate
her poor mother's head?
Was she mentally ill.
Did she feel really bored,
Or was it God's will?

Why did the same girl
chop off her mother's arms,
but did not practice cannibalism
for them than decor for plants?
Or was it an offering?

Why does mother mine shiver with fear,
- feels a chill along a patch of her neck-
as she reads the news, as if
worried that I might -
out of naive human curiousity,
subject her to the same experience?

Is the Day of Judgement upon us.
Where every person shrieks in madness,
and amok runs around naked,
Or have we witnessed an isolated incident?

2007-05-16T18:38:00.000+08:00

My current idol, local troubadour Leslie Low replied my questions regarding quality guitar shopping today.

I'm not only obliged to expand his bulletin on MYSPACE. But it has almost become my duty to share his music (what I'd do for friends too).

Late night musings.

2007-05-16T00:07:00.000+08:00

(carry-forward post)

imagine you were on a hot air balloon, and that spherical expanse of air above, that vastness of space below you. how can it possibly be great? you don't know if you are simply floating, or riding on a current of air. reminds me of that feeling I get when playing FF12 in the mysterious landscape of the yellow Urutuan Yensa Sandsea.... (in Chinese, Yensa literally means salt sea)

Of course, it would be great, if you had a romantic companion with you. However. The. Feeling. Here. Is. Quite. Alone.

=

"Plunge in headlong - into the void - with me and take a look into my world," cries the artist. In fact, most humans want this above all. To be understood by fellow humans.

Artists are - unable to express themselves - adequately - through conventional means - they feel that - being creative - is their - our- birthright, and their ego manifests universally - into a superego - undeterred - not something everyone should take for granted.

I'm such a self-proclaimed person. but under close scrutiny, I could be reduced to nothing.

A blind man who thinks he can see. A pop artist hungry for commercial success.

Downwards is hellwards. Upwards is skywards. Yet, Ohh... don't forsake me (..God, for I am stating my own.. convictions - what I am led to believe; what you led me to believe)

Long fall's a hard fall.

The Gospel of Judas by Simon Mawer... The novel was very interesting - gave a real glimpse into the passions of humans (how a Catholic Priest lost faith in everything he yearned to believe in, and it was a sad story. the end.) The real Gospel of Judas however, simply states that there were conflicting ideas in the early church. In the former, was Judas stoned to death because he witnessed an entirely different aspect of history..? Biblical scholars debate over this speculation.

Will God save us all? There is altogether a possibility that we might not enjoy salvation. The sacrifice is too great. I.e. human sacrifice, rights & freedom sacrifice, social sacrifice, creativity sacrifice. I am a skeptic. who internally frowns @ such ideas. The kingdom of God. And why you must believe...

C'mon c'mon. "Happy the atheist who gives the poor man money enough for a meal without any other... thoughts of kingdom or salvation" (Cyril Wong) . He should be taken into heaven too - Is heaven's will not Justice? As happy as I can be, floating on the clouds like the illustrated Monkey King wielding my golden bamboo cane. If not, I think I would be even happier in a lukewarm hell - what we Chinese have traditionally believed in.

do (y)ourselves a favour

2007-05-14T00:21:00.000+08:00

Sunday Times reported on the informative blogs
of a foodie-cum-clinician, Dr Leslie Tay.

makan sedap!!
http://ieatishootipost.blogspot.com/

the clinic
http://karrifamilyclinic.blogspot.com/

My Cousin the Newlywed

2007-05-08T23:56:00.000+08:00

I came with my mother,
Shaked hands with my uncle and aunt;
the parents of the bride, my cousin,
on this joyous occassion.

The Swissotel Stamford.

At the reception, an icy sculpture,
on which hung green grapes - the ones with seeds,
(a tribute to a fertile marriage)
Red strawberries and cherries
which were savoured with relish.

A group gathered round the ice and
stared in wonder, making O-shaped
mouth sounds, in appraisal of the stylish offering.
We feasted on the ripe fruit; the baby was fed in morsels.
Time passed while everyone was talking
to fill the air with kind wishes.

We looked around for a glimpse of the star couple.
A sweet-looking young girl was playing a baby grand.
The music was -
"She's teaching music. Studying in Junior College."
"Oh really? She looks just about my age."
- unfamiliar -
a soft, soothing lounge music to my ears.

Time passed and we met with more relatives.

We went in and ate the 8-course Chinese dinner.
Fussed over the gifts and service.
Toasted beer, wine, and champagne to the couple.
Applauded to their speeches.
Tables of smiles were captured by
a photographer wielding a sleek black camera.
Looked around to fill our desires,
to be served and entertained.

The dessert - Black glutinous rice with vanilla ice-cream.
When the evening was over,
The well-wishers shaked hands with the couple.
Outside, we groped the melting ice sculpture.
Until it broke.

We got a ride home
from an uncle who
drank four glasses of (bitter-tasting)
Sherlot
Red wine and declared himself
sober.

==

ON my computer table is a pink rose from my cousin's wedding.
Still pink in freshness, and scented like two days ago.
Like some of my relatives, I picked up a bunch and took a whiff.
It was easy to understand, Girl's fascination for them.
Their divine geometry, their intoxicating fragance.
Sweet smelling roses, exuding youth and exuberance.

How I yearn, oh, to be closer with the rose.
If only they aren't so short-lived.

Anywhere the wind goes..

2007-05-08T00:19:00.000+08:00

A TRIBUTE TO BACH

In the choir warm-ups,

I once experienced a wonderful sensation.

We were rehearsing at the Singapore Chinese Orchestra hall

And when the command was given for silence,

The flow of air was heard from the aircon on the ceiling.

I thought I heard the crisp notes of Bach's Air,

from on high, carried from the descending current.

sharpening my awareness, before I sang.

Budak Pantai

2007-04-12T22:24:00.000+08:00

Going to watch these guys @ bluemoo YMCA tomorrow. =)

http://www.budakpantai.com/

The entertainers!

feeling the anger.

2007-04-10T23:27:00.000+08:00

http://www.mrbrownshow.com/?p=797

now I appreciate the greatness of e.g. Jesus and his teachings, as opposed to this recklessness perpetuation of our mundane, materialistic society. The rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer... etcetera. Familiarity. You can't say you feel good about the arresting facts. You can't even say you're in the comfort zone.. what about those below you? This Apathy, this subliminal fear we live in.

Why I like Art films

2007-04-04T21:28:00.000+08:00

Sankara

1. They are just different and outwardly expressive.
2. The films are often subtle in their meaning and can be interpreted in personal ways.
3. They offer valuable insights to mirror the dreary nature of everyday life.
4. They offer different fare for the jaded cynic of typical Hollywood movies, where cause and effect are very closely linked.
5. You don't feel bad about watching an Art movie, because it has changed you somewhat: it plays with all your emotions and subconciousness while the film rolls. If it doesn't it's not a great film, or that you chose one in which you weren't able to relate with..

I will be watching Sankara, the opening film from Sri Lanka, on the 18th April @ Lido. I'd like to see how a celibate deals with his awakened repressed lust; and what happens when he is no longer in control of the situation. For more information, visit: http://filmfest.org.sg . Tickets are very much sold out already.

Actually I'd like to watch Solos, the Singapore film. Just that I haven't found a companion for the event.. It's just so disturbing, and curiousity gets the better of you.

Solos

I watched The Return (2003/04) yesterday on DVD @ Temasek Poly Library. It was stated to be a psychological thriller - I admit I very much felt the suspense. But I also carried away from the movie, the anguish of the characters after being marvellously played out by those boys.

Vanya, "fishing in the thunderstorm"

(Spoilers below)

Vanya and Gerin are brothers that play together in their childhood in the cold, grey hinterlands of Russia. The film starts out by giving depth to the characters. Gerin being the elder brother, is adventurous and more mature than Vanya, the younger boy, who is afraid to trust and afraid of heights. Both boys start out on Sunday, and a series of events are set in motion, cumulating in their ultimate maturity at the end of the week.

On Monday, they run home to find that their typical Granny-Mama household has found the sleeping presence of a new man. Mama tells the children that both that their long-lost Papa of 12 years is back. This Mama does not smile, or display much joy at the prospect. Instead the atmosphere in the family is cold and grey as it has always been. In the stifling presence of Papa, the household is restored to patriachial command, as shown by Papa pouring wines/vodka for everyone in the family, and everyone waiting for his permission to start eating.

The next day, Papa brings the two boys out for a two-day fishing trip. The Papa, I believe, wants to mould his sons into grownup men. First of all, he drives the car quietly, without a word. As man of the house, he demands obedience and total respect from his boys. He expects Vanya to address him as Papa. He makes himself seem unreasonable to the boys, by inflicting violence on Gerin for disobedience or incompetence. Or like punishing Vanya for whining, by leaving him in a thunderstorm. The father appeared to be a nasty piece of work, although I believe his intentions had been good.. To train his sons to be strong and survive the hardships of the world.

Over the week, Vanya had doubts whether Papa was indeed their father and whether he was worthy to be so, while Gerin embraced Papa. They cross the sea, labouring at the oars to arrive at a deserted island. So after being abused again, Vanya prophesises to Gerin that, "If he touches me again, I'll swear I'll kill him." The next morning, he steals Papa's knife, and I'm kept in the suspense all this while - thinking about the father who must die.

In a violent and dramatic confronation between the boys and their father, the young Vanya shouts at Papa, "Why did you come back? You don't need us. We don't need you." A chase to the light-tower, the abused Gerin chases after the father that throttled him. Vanya threatens to kill himself by jumping down the tower. In the helplessness of the situation, we all know who died suddenly amidst all the chaos.

The boys were faced with independence, in the island on their own. A sudden change of mindset. Of necessity and self-responsibility. Gerin looked after his younger brother. We have to bury the dead. Some of the training that Papa taught them were put into good use. By Sunday, Papa had taught them a hell of a lesson, and led them part of the way to manhood. Savageness is necessary to forge a piece of iron, to put it into good use.

The director of the movie says he's keen to bring out Russian Mysticism in the film, which I believe is something that goes like "hardships strengthen people" with imagery like a sea crossing being a big voyage in life. I find that the Russian breed is indeed one of its kind, growing in a savage, cold and grey landscape throughout history.

Octopus

2007-04-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

I feel like an octopus stretching out its tentacles in the murky depths. So far, I've been seeking nothing but pleasures to fill my life..

Does the octopus below look sinister? (Or ready to squirt a jet of ink and escape?)

(Picture used from rachelleb.com pending permission)

Octopuses can multi-task.. I can't. I am making a simple decision between piano and guitar learning. The trouble is - I can't take action. I can't find the time to learn before CMPB sends me the letter. I have this bag of excuses.. (ie. injured my wrist while rollerblading.. still damn pain when I bend it, need time to train physique, reading, etc.)

I am so preoccupied this month. I hardly have time to blog.

List of events for April:

5. AS (Biotech) Graduation (5/4)

6. Meet with Ching Mei's cell group to watch Passion 'X DVD (6/4)
13. Budak Pantai concert (13/4)

14. The Observatory's "A Far Cry From Here" album launch @ Zouk (14/4)
18. Sankara (opening film for international film festival) (18/4) [I also want to watch the Sg shorts!!]
21. April's 21st Birthday (21/4)

a random moment

2007-03-29T19:59:00.000+08:00

When I remininsce...
a flood of memories
immerse me in a false sense of reality.

HERE

Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy?

The Observatory

2007-03-26T00:37:00.000+08:00

I got autographs!

"A Far Cry From Here" Album Front & Back

Vivian signed first, followed by Ray, Leslie, Evan, Dharma and Victor... Thanks guys for the wonderful evening..

Setlist was as follows (as best as I can recall):

Acid Pills
Olives
Fall of man (defining the concept of dehumanisation in everyday lives)
Wonderkind (inspired by the Gospel of Judas)
Downwards is hellwards (their feeling towards Globalisation ; surprisingly pleased by bassline and interplay between guitars)
The sink (Viv's recorder solo was a bit short.. however it made sense in the album arrangement, the musical line was introduced in an earlier song)
Enlightense
I didn't see her
Deadheat (tribute to their favourite band, This Heat)
When I see a fire (Victor's song.. showcases his expert bass skills. )
The last grand fallible plan (inspired by stayers and quitters.)

Encore:
My Whole Life
Sea of doubts

I find it quite funny that I usually find the OBS easy-listening simply because I turn down the volume a lot. Perhaps I get to hear all the good lines, and tone down the supporting ones. Live bands are always loud and hard on the ear. Today, I've learnt I'm not getting the fully desired sound experience.

The tiny recorder solo at the back of The sink was quite a hard fit for my tastes. Victor's expansive basslines moved the songs: Downwards is hellwards, and The last grand fallible plan. I'm still listening to the album now.

Nevertheless the songs on the 2nd album clicked with me well. I'm just fresh from a round of listen back @ home with the lyrics on the 3rd album.. It was difficult to decipher this batch of lyrics... Why weren't there lyrics for the 2nd album? It was soo good!

Anyway, got handshakes and autographs from members of the band. I wasn't able to interact long with them, for I was muted for the moment, and left with few words but in awe and respect.. They just signed on my copy of A Far Cry From Here.. They were larger than life, and it was great to receive their signatures. It was quite inspiring for me to meet them in person.

Working

2007-03-24T13:49:00.000+08:00

Yes I've found work recently; I've been working for 3 weeks.

Interesting was this part-time job as a Banquet waiter @ Ritz Carlton Millenia, Singapore. It involves a lot of menial work. Especially for a guy. However, the pay is good.. 6 per hour. Heard it used to be 10??

But the perks! Besides having a free meal, I have served an event graced by President SR Nathan. It was the "Go Red For Women" campaign dinner. Big event huh? Thus I have witnessed walks of the business-life, demanding guests and so on.

I really envy those dining guests. Being served classy food and wines would really make me a happy man. Would you like a Chardonnay, Ma'am? How about the Cabarnet Sauvignon? Or the Merlott? Vintage wines... Must know the country of origin, and grape... Hard liquor.. Jack Daniel's Black, how would you like to be served? On the rocks. Oh sorry, cocktail hour's over...

I've decided to quit drinking Ice water @ Wedding Banquets. They come from the Tap! Even some guests request for Evians!
...

My half-day temp job at Balestier Primary school is that of a clerk. The Administration Manager had resigned, so I have to help the full-time data entry clerks do payment auditing, check edusave forms, photocopy, answer calls, and help Principal/VP type letters.

I realise that I quite like a half-day job, because I would be paid $22 each weekday. I think my Mum also does this, so it's probably in my genes (Lamarckism). Oh, did I mention I was turning away from science? Well, some of their concepts still hold interest for me. Just don't make me study any protein networks or biochemical systems, and I'll be fine! I reserve the right to change my mind though.

Anyway. The school environment is very cheerful. In the office, small issues are exaggerated in the faces or dramatised in the dialogue between the clerks, principals, school attendants, teachers, pupils, and parents.

It is quite funny to think that Primary school "pupils" become a term, instead of students. *Starts thinking about eye regional anatomy*
...

Tomorrow is the OBS concert.

The final blow

2007-03-08T21:11:00.000+08:00

My cGPA rests at 2.78. I got a B for my Major Project.

wtf.

I am like half-way between totally worn out and disgusted at... myself...

You see me studying, doing my best each time around, at home or in school... Yet, so far, I find this ain't the career for me. I cannot go far with these academic results. I might as well die.

Just a figure of speech. I would die eventually (hopefully of natural causes). But where's the glory in dying now, eh?

I need to make an emergency U-turn; to get back in the game. tata peeps.

*** Previously unpublished session of self-doubt ***

Why was I in Biotechnology? For a combination of reasons:

Innate lust for Fame and Recognition, and ultimately, Power. ( - dared - I - think! - )

I realised this today. This is a typical human drive - what am I but an insignificant human in a population of million. And how do I stand out and make the world a better place? It turns out that the definition of a better place is subjective (the concept varies from person to person), and you'd always risk upset to others in making decisions. Nevertheless, to what end was I willing to pursue, to make a name myself in the world, rather than drift on as a number? And tra la~

In all ambition, I pooled my investment, pushed all my faculties to the overdrive, for the hope of success.

I thought that you could always brainwash yourself to succeed. Now I need brainwash in the opposite direction. Reverse determinism.

***

2007-03-06T22:07:00.000+08:00

SOPHIE'S WORLD is an excellent book. I would call it avant-garde.

Thought: "Should I be an English Teacher? If yes, I have a long way to go..."

Poor use of punctuation marks and poor tenses really irk me. Although sometimes, I find that my understanding of English is not far above average, especially in the command of English Vocabulary. At least, I am used to perfecting my sentence structures in a concise manner.

relevance

2007-02-28T17:09:00.000+08:00

In my hour of solitude.

I pondered, what became of my 3 years in polytechnic?
I pondered, of the future yet to come, my career progression.
For I'm trapped in this moment now, in which I can look forward or behind.

And it's time to think really hard:
Shall I crawl further in the fields of sciences?
Is it a gold mine, or a minefield I am heading into?

And it's time to reflect deeply:
Will I have the courage to continue, or the determination to succeed?
Could I perceive a future of satisfaction in my career?

I am but, a simple man.
And to address all these perplexing questions,
I thought of immediate solutions to silence them.

In my hour of solitude.

Memento mori

2007-02-26T00:05:00.000+08:00

Memento mori (Wikipedia)

Vita brevis breviter in brevi finietur,
Life is short and shortly it will end

Mors venit velociter que neminem veretur,
Death comes quicker than you think

Omnia mors perimit et nulli miseretur.
It takes everything away, but takes pity on no one

Ad mortem festinamus peccare desistamus.
We hasten towards death, we shall restrain from sinning

Ni conversus fueris et sicut puer factus
If you don’t repent and become pure as a child

Et vitam mutaveris in meliores actus,
And if you don’t change your life by doing better,

Intrare non poteris regnum Dei beatus.
You cannot enter the Kingdom of God.

Ad mortem festinamus peccare desistamus.
We hasten towards death, we shall restrain from sinning

(The Catalan Llibre Vermell de Montserrat, 1939)

I agree with the first verse (first 4 lines).

TONY TAKITANI

2007-02-22T23:10:00.000+08:00

Today, I've learnt for the umpteenth time that appearances can be deceiving. With references to people conjuring up all sorts of unconventional wild styles.. haiz. I refuse to elaborate on this senseless blabbering..

Now, I've watched a movie in school, TONY TAKITANI. Here's an English translation of the novel on the New Yorker.

The author, none other than the renown Haruki Murakami.

Directed by Jun Ichikawa. I recommend loners to watch it. Nope. I mean, the life prospects of Tony seem to increase, climax in the middle, and taper off towards the end. It's a bit melancholic in that sense. The turn of fortunes. etc

2007-02-20T23:22:00.000+08:00

The Mister Brown Show needs no introduction to local netizens.

Airing comedy podcasts on daily news and political satire, it shows the imaginative Singaporean twist to local news stories. Funnily enough. I was recently impressed by the Anonymous Heroes clip. In which Mr Brown does a falsetto impression of Random Grl~~ from the League of Anonymous Media Policing Action Heroes.

It's more delightful than having a talk with the cab driver. Cab drivers vary in their personalities and willingness to talk.

Oh. Concerning the night on 19th February, MOS was ok. A typical disco in Clarke Quay opened just last year. Yes. There's some eyecandy for the flirting eyes. But it was quite disappointing. I had hoped for, I-don't-know, Jazzy themes? I can't stand the thick smoky air and I don't know our society's concept of dancing well enough. Everyone's too into Hip-Hop dancing. Bro dances well with his gf.

Sophie's World

2007-02-18T23:22:00.000+08:00

Earned $140 from Red Packets. Unique Chinese custom. Spices up life I daresay.

TOMORROW...

Asian Civilisation Museum, morning visit due to free admission (should I be selective in knowledge hunting?)

Focus on reading, 'Sophie's World' by Jostein Gaarder.

Please input desirable knowledge.. .. .. . . Wisest is He/She that knows he/she knows Nothing.

Three Essays.. Paradigm Conspiracy

2007-02-17T13:45:00.000+08:00

An heady essay by Breton, D., & Largent, C..

"PSYCHOTHERAPY'S PURPOSE - The agenda for traditional psychoanalytic therapy, for instance, isn't to develop human potential; it's to keep people functional in established social structures, however miserable their lives may be and however abusive or wrong-headed the social structures. "Well-adjusted" becomes a synonym for mental health. But if someone is well-adjusted to being an SS officer in Nazi concentration camps, is that person mentally healthy? In Fire In The Soul, psychoneuroimmunologist Joan Borysenko writes of this narrow aim of therapy: "Sigmund Freud...believed that when a person was cured of neurosis the best outcome that could be expected was return 'to an ordinary state of unhappiness.'" (New York: Warner, 1993, p. 54) Psychotherapy's official job is mopping up the mess that social systems make of our lives by convincing us that the mess is our fault, our failing, our screwiness. If we don't conform, adjust, fit in, and measure up, something must be wrong with us. And psychotherapy has its truth: we may well be frozen in grief or shock and not functioning at our best, but don't the social systems that shape us deserve equal scrutiny, equal critical analysis? Thankfully many therapists reject this paradigm and venture forth with their clients on the forbidden territory of meaning and human potential as well as of critiquing social structures, but it's no easy task persuading insurance companies to come along. Control institutions pay insurance companies to pay health professionals to keep people in their place, serving the established order... " (excerpt from website)

This originated from a New Zealand website on Weather Modification that appears to feature many other references. At first glance, it looks as if it is a hoax. But the reading material provided is very interesting, providing rational opinions no matter how skeptical one can get.

A Scientist's Thoughts about Redefining our Concept of God by Sahtouris, E. (PhD.) in 1999.

Anyway, one could get lost hours surfing this website.

some other time

2007-02-13T21:29:00.000+08:00

Da vinci's notebook was kept for the purpose of his own understanding. Likewise I'd like to express fragments of my thoughts here.

We moogles know all sorts of magicks, Kupo! We can teleport you anywhere around town!

On Final Fantasy XII (www.finalfantasyxii.com/). The first FF I played (and am still playing). Probably the only RPG I'll take seriously - I want to complete it. The graphics are good. the music's good. the moogles are extremely cute (small bunny-folk). the characters are interesting. the gameplay is fresh. the story is fantasisable.. (the female characters wear revealing garments.. etc)

On Hatha Yoga. This subject refers to a form of relaxed yoga that emphasises on breathing, stretching your muscles for good tone, and calming your inner organs. I think it's quite a useful leisure activity. You get to lie down and relax during the lesson, once a week.

Postures I've learnt in the beginner course:

Arm and Leg (mountain) Posture
Sideway bending

Cat posture

Table position
Warrior I
Warrior II

Chair position
Meadow posture
Camel posture

On what I want to do in the future
tell you about it some other time..

pt I: Blog Declaration ; pt II: MY PeRSoNaLiTy TesT

2007-02-13T00:10:00.000+08:00

A declaration to the blog-reader:

I feel that I should move this to the latest post, since my blog is primarily egocentric. Sorry if I may offend you, fail to keep you entertained, or - god forbid! - waste your time. In life, it's probably better and less complicating, if people like me adopt an honest policy towards charting our perspectives of the world.

I may have this childish idea that my universe should be at the centre of all things I should care about, especially since this is my domain (WAHAHAHA..). Feel free to get lost here.

But traverse my universe if you may. I care about all my friends. The reason my blog does not feature my friends frequently - I don't have an extensive friendship base. At best a shallow one. Two good buddies whom I can always count on over the years. Nothing else as deep.

A knight in shining armour riding on a black steed. Although, I have climbed many mountains and slayed (tiptoed past) many dragons in their sleep. But amore I have not! So far, I've not captured the hearts of any fair damsels. Wrought by scars of acne and melanin pigments of coal, no I have not! No I am no Prince Charming! But Romeo I am. A Romeo trapped within the vessel of a man. His spirit for romance and adventure, undeterred.

Ok.. My literary pretensions got ahead of me. Go ahead. Feed me some poison.

**

This personality test made me feel so good for myself, I almost cried.

KEIRSEY, D. said I was ...
http://keirsey.com/personality/nfip.html

BUTT, J. said I was ...
http://typelogic.com/infp.html

I say whatever. These personality determinants are bad if you let them sink into your head, and influence your psychological development. Always shy away from being predictable!

Pt 1: I'm not immune; Pt 2: Dialogue below.

2007-02-12T20:18:00.000+08:00

I'm not attached. I'm not attached.

The world is a sickening place!

Good night. Good night.

. _ .

D I ALoguE (a full-length msn excerpt)

:
.

Dick says:
u have a girlfriend?

Dick says:
not bad leh!

Dick says:
woots

zhaong says:
nah. troubled bcos I can't go out (on V day) and see all the pretty girls being taken

zhaong says:
no gf yet la

Dick says:
hahhaa

Dick says:
why so

zhaong says:
why so?

zhaong says:
troubled you mean?

Dick says:
ya

zhaong says:
actually. I don't know. it seems the in-thing to be attached these days

zhaong says:
I'm seeing too many pretty girls getting attached too often

zhaong says:
so I'm wondering if I can do without a pretty gf in future (of course, 'pretty' is a subjective criteria)

zhaong says:
in my context also includes a kind and amiable personality.

zhaong says:
girls like that are somewhat in high demand, and I would expect to be almost extinct

zhaong says:
u see.. that's how i think

Dick says:
dun worry too much

Dick says:
u know why

zhaong says:
why?

Dick says:
there're gals who are not attached out there

Dick says:
:)

Dick says:
also think this way

Dick says:
not all attached 'pretty' girls get married.

zhaong says:
somehow, capturing the moment of envy is simply enough to aggravate my depression.

zhaong says:
lol

zhaong says:
*heads desk*

zhaong says:
i need to get a life

Dick says:
hahaha

Dick says:
your life now is studies.

Dick says:
my life now is entering army. period.

Dick says:
when u go out to work, u can easily find one!! trust me.

:
.

To end off this transcript from my private space with a fitting song for the mood:

"I felt that no one ever told the truth to me..
about growing up and what a struggle it can be..

blahblah.. tangled state of mind... blabla..."

Too much love will kill you - QUEEN

A Scanner Brightly

2007-02-06T19:21:00.000+08:00

This movie looks great to watch!

You thought it was animation... It looks amazing in the colours and technology they used to make the films' called rotoscoping.

It looks as if you took drugs by the way thei made it.

The colours in the above picture made me think of playing worms 2 in those secondary school days.

Was this movie shown in Singapore? How come I didn't know about it? i must get the dvd!

Linkout: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0405296/

2007-02-05T00:02:00.000+08:00

Maybe this guy is right about the self-imposed restrictions.

http://verkhovensky.wordpress.com/2007/01/21/quality-control/

A Canadian English school teacher in Korea.

Good blog. =)

Random = Experimental nonsense

2007-02-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

Dreams of getting a guitar and performing to the girl of my dreams constantly fill my head.

I'm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Experimental_music

rendang this page.

to be honest, it sprouted form htis page :
http://verkhovensky.wordpress.com/2007/02/04/john-cage-%e2%80%93-wallpaper-is-not-music-and-is

the loins won

before january ends

2007-01-29T09:20:00.000+08:00

post-concert, post-work, and report-writing syndrome

THOUGHT:
Life cannot be fully appreciated from the course of studying biology. you'd have to know the arts, which set the boundaries of limited human comprehension of their world around.

"problems that plaque whole human societies cannot be adequately explained, or appreciated from the intrinsic viewpoint of a single biological system. "

It's always been a dream to zoom out to a helicopter view and study cities, watch people move about in the metropolis. the streets. the buildings. the tower spikes. the ants crawling on the concrete. the densely populated hive.

Lush is playing some lousy mixes this morning, or why am I underappreciating it?

We're always listening to something someone else has said. I say we defy their expectations.

Two music channels I support

2007-01-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

1. music on Lush 99.5fm
- provides the best atmospheric music for jogging, dancing, etc..

2. the observatory
- provides soulful music to the tortured listener of poor tunes. -_-"''

Aye, for the observatory! They are Singapore's innovators of music..

I dislike punk rock . It drains away youthful energy that could be put to better use.

Three Ghost Stories.

2007-01-05T23:23:00.001+08:00

Warning: Don't read this alone, after midnight..!!
The following stories are real accounts and are still
relevant, affecting stumbling innocent lives to this day...

Ghost Story #1

When I was young, I lived in a deserted kampong deep in the
jungle. Every night, my mother would ask me not to go home
too late as there won't be any transportation after a certain time.

One night, before going home, I ta pao a kueh teow soup for
supper. I was late and I waited for the taxi/bus but there
was none. I was getting worried as the night was getting
darker and darker. So I tried to flag down private vehicles
to take me home.

There was no one stopping for me, till one motorcyclist took
sympathy on me and stopped to give me a lift. He was a
man with a kind face. I accepted his offer and got onto his
motorbike.

On the way home, we would pass by a temple. At night, the
temple looked eerily spooky with the dim lights from the
candles.

At first, the motorcyclist was warm and friendly. When the
temple was approaching, the motorcyclist eyes grown bigger
and bigger. His kind face turned to a face of anger. He was
muttering something loud but was inaudible to me. I was so
scared that I closed my eyes in order not to see his angry face.

Then, the motorcylist stopped in front of the temple and
then yelled at me.

"Your kueh teow soup is so hot!! It is burning my thigh! Can
you please move it away???"

Ghost Story #2

When I was young, I have two friends who were very close to
each other. They played with each other everyday. It was
like, if you see A, you would see B next to him. They were
always together.

A loved fried eggs. Whenever he went out for lunch or dinner,
without fail, he would ask for fried egg on top of his noodles,
fried rice, etc.

One day, A involved in an accident and died.

B was devastated. B went to the cemetery to pray everyday.

He would go to the nearest restaurant and ta pao a box of fried rice
with an egg on top to be offered to A when he went to pray
to him.

The next day, he opened the box and there was no egg inside!
B was petrified. He thought, must be A who came and took the
fried egg away.

The same thing happened the next day and the day after that.

B was confused. So, one day, he asked the chef to make the
same fried rice with a fried egg again. Then, he went to the
cemetery to offer it to A. Curious, he opened the box to
check for the egg. He was angry to find that, there was no
fried egg in the box after all.

Feeling that he had been cheated, he went back to the
restaurant and demanded to see the Chef. "Where is the fried
egg?? I told you there must be a fried egg inside!! You have
cheated me for a few days now! Gimme back my money!!"

Then, the Chef got really angry and opened the box - the
fried egg was inside the box.

The Chef said, "Stupid! You open the box upside down. No
wonder you cannot see the egg!!"

Ghost Story #3

When I was young, I went to town to work with a group of
friends during our summer holidays of two months. Being
young and away from home for the first time, we drank and
smoke like nobody's business.

One night, we were pissed drunk and flagged the last bus
down to go home.

Being tired, we slept in the bus.

It had been awhile that I fell asleep. I was awoke by the
chilly wind. I was shocked to find that there was no one in
the bus, and I was the last passenger. I looked in front to
check out for the driver. But the driver was no where in
sight. Yet, the bus was moving.

I panicked shitless. I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I
was not dreaming. The night was dark and cold.

I hysterically jumped out from the bus and tried to run as
hard as I could to get away.

Then I heard someone yelled at me from behind the bus.

"Hey! Don't run away! Come over here and help to push the
bus!" yelled the bus driver.

I saw my other friends helping to push the bus, which broke
down while I was asleep.

THE END (-_-")

Origin: Saeadah_AHAMED@pharmacy.nh... Dated Thu 04/05/2006 5:47 PM

Edited by zhaong for your pleasure.

lotsa bom.

2007-01-01T17:35:00.000+08:00

Bom..

..BOM..

.. BOM!!

Happy New Year.. . pull your ear !! (", b) << - - -